Tuesday, December 31, 2013

What's Wrong with My Marriage ..... Question of the DAY .....

To Comment on today's Question, Simply click on the word "Comments" below next to the number of comments and then, type in the white box!
Dear Mr. Anatomy,
I have followed you for years and now it seems I am the one needing some guidance. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, and married for 13. Needless to say, we are empty nesters now, as all the kids are off to college and pursuing their own lives. My problem, I have done EVERYTHING I know how to do to keep my relationship interesting, but my husband has a tendency to stay out all night, when he feels like it. I call, no answer, I text, no answer, and he strolls in the next day at daybreak! Sure, I get the excuses; "fell asleep drunk at a friend's house, blah blah blah," but I told him if he does it again, I am out of here. Well, the other night, he did it again! My question is ............
"How do I get my husband's attention and let him know, his antics are breaking me down internally and truly hurting our relationship!"


Ma'am, thank you for allowing my panel of experts and I to tackle your question. From hence forward, I will address you as "Sleepless Nights" and get the opinions of my bloggers before I weigh in and give my advice. Please remember to stay available to answer any questions my bloggers may have for you.








Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker

Author, Anatomy of a Cheater

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33 comments:

  1. Pack your shit and leave. He'll get the picture

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  2. In cases like her Author Williams I think her biggest mistakes is and are many womans they say a whole lot n do lil...I say u want him to take u serious be serious. .You cant deliver fake consequences and expect to take u for real...I say ...say what u mean and mean what u say...In her case she said she gave him one more chance then she out.... yet he did it again n she in...talking bout how can I get his attention.We as ppl screw our self as mates n parents with the if u do, Im gonna do yet dont follow thru and wonder why the behavior doesnt change...I say accept it and hush or dont accept it and follow thru on ur threat/consequence....Ijs but Im no Mr. A

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  3. Sounds like you are the only person in your marriage that knows or remember they are married. People will do to you only what you allow. It sounds like he has left being faithful out of the equation. I am not going to tell you to leave your marriage because that will have to be your call. I will tell you to become a woman of action and little words. Good luck.

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  4. Mr. A before I respond...does she think that he is cheating?

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    Replies
    1. I'm not in denial. In my heart of hearts, I dont think that he is cheating. It's just so hard to walk away after you have invested so much time and energy into your marriage. Are you suggesting that I stay out all night?

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  5. Just read the blog, Bro. Wow, so many times I've heard this story. I'd like to make two points: 1. The main error women make is attempting to MAKE a man ready for a serious, committed relationship. They meet someone they like, for whatever reason, and disregard the red flags. You must FIND a man ready. Ones that are done with games. They come in all ages, so don't confuse age with maturity. 2. Second point. Men need structure, boundaries and rules. Deal with the first lie, after you have clearly stated, "Don't lie to me". We men only do what you women allow. Be a woman of your word. If one more time and I'm done is disregarded, then be done. If the situation is valuable, then we will adhere to it and clean up our act. It'll be baby steps, but effort will be made.

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  6. We as men do what woman let us do. She is the only on taking the marriage serious funny I use to be that guy when I was married. The problem with her is like chris said talk is cheap if your going to leave then leave because by her just throwing threats not doning crap but telling him aww she anit going nowhere kids are grown rime for her to move on and stop waiting for him to change cause its not going to happen

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  7. I agree with Dea. Not saying divorce him but I am saying if you show that your not going to stand for anymore; if he comes home and your not there...... Then the ball is in his court. He can choose wether are not he wants to be with you. And that's how you'll find out if he wants to be with you

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  8. Sound like color purple, "u told harpo to beat me", I don't suggest u leave your husband that's easy for some closed minded ppl to quickly say,however these situations are common among marriages today, but what god has put together let no man tear apart, that's my advice to u, sometimes , to some marriages, how u have invested are more important than the return.

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  9. If a man stays out sont answer your call or text and keep doing it hmmm what u think I hate to say it but if im going to come home the next day from a friend house its sure not going to be from a guy listen I know u put time in and it hurts but im just sayimg that you need to really think about what u in ur marriage. Baby girl if he been staying out like this before and u think he is not doing anything somebody tell me whats wrong with this picture like we said to you before a man going to do what u let him do

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  10. Question, did this just start, or has it been going on throughout the marriage?
    I would say, pray about it, talk about it, and except the outcome. It will take a whole lot of prayer throughout, but you're worth being happy and at peace.
    I am a firm believer of seasons. Everyone does not make it to every season.
    However, your life may depend on it.
    Forget the question a the top it doesn't even matter

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  11. Praying for you! The process is not automatic, although it will hurt in the end you will be happy. Face it head. Threats are useless in this case

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  12. Mam my advice to you is find time to enjoy yourself... spend a weekend at a hotel pamper yourself and I can even go as far as to say give him a taste of his owm medicine sometimes..... cause he seems to not really care what you do and your feelings so go live your life...... there are things that you can do just find it and go enjoy life

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  13. Dear sleepless night,

    A friend of mine was having these same issues. Her husband didn't come home, didn't answer phone calls and was very stand of fish with her.

    For one unless we are in the situation we CAN NOT give advice on what you should do. Most women will outright state they will leave... that is mot true woman want their marriages to work, especially if you are seeking advice from people you do not know on a personal level.

    Think positive. Your husband may need you to step in and put your foot down. You state you have an empty nest now. He may be going through a mid life crisis, he may be having feeling of shame or guilt . Are making him stay out all night and not talk too you because he may not want to disappoint you.

    Go out for a girls weekend. Let him know, tell him you need some time to think and heal and you hope that you two can sit down and talk when you return. Go with a positive, uplifting friend who knows not only only you- but you husband as well. Have her listen to you and let it ALL out. The good, the bad, the ugly. Get her feedback.

    Dont except leaving him unless you are truly are not happy and you truly know that you as a couple can't fix it together. Relations are hard. This could just make you stronger as a couple or as an individual either way you will be stronger.

    Stay positive!

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  14. Just a side note. People often reference all of the time invested in a relationship but what they neglect to do is look at two things:1. was that investment met with an equal investment 2. was the history of the relationship more good times than bad

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  15. Thanks for all the feedback. Valerie...I really appreciate the positive. Over all we have a good relationship and a good marriage. Question for the men out there is it possible that you can do SO much for a man that he becomes unappreciative? My husband and my children are my life, but since they are gone I channel all my energy into him. He says that I dont allow him enough space to breathe. Is that possible?

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  16. There you go hun the man wantscspacevto breathe then give it tohim.....firstly channel your energy to god and not man....I go back to my comment before take the time to find you and love you from a simple walk in the park on evenings or as extravagant as taking a trip to a plce you always wanted to visit....schedule weekly events that you know you would enjoy..... now I'm not saying to neglect your husband but I am saying to live...........Valerie is correct its easy to give advice when you havent been in the persons shoes but as the saying goes " who lives it knows it"

    Get out and enjoy life who knows maybe when he sees how much you are enjoying it ,...it mite spark something back into him.....lol we know it kills them when we are too happy and they dont know why lol

    Dont worry hun God will lead you right he already brought you to Author Williams lol

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  17. "Sleepless Nights"; do you know you? Do you really KNOW your husband? Not the routine but the deep inner self. We cannot expect different results if we continue to do the same things. You seem to be a caregiver, be sure you are taken care of and understand what defines that for you. Do not remain stagnant. Many blessings.

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  18. Oh, he has communicated to you that you dont allow him space to breathe.... this may be your coping mechanism for having an empty house and not knowing what to to with yourself. We all need to find out who we really are and what we enjoy when we are alone and together- this is natural. I never thought this was normal until my first marriage ended. We ate best friends and we literally were together all day everyday. I ended up pushing myself away because I could not figure out who I truly was and what made me happy. This was frustrating.

    But, I digress, just try to comminicate with your husband and tell him you absolutely understand he needs his space, but maybe you can ask him to have one date night a week and commuicate what you both want out of life and in your relatioship. On a date night get dressed up, do something you have never been able to do before when the kids were in the house. Spice it up while yout giving dome space. Show him that you want to give a little and he may not want to as y too far gor space.... he might like it right where he has always been. Be naughty, be nice, communicate, dress up, take him out to places like hustlers and lounge around just leering at he foreign sexual novelties. Pick up a book or two on couples and closeness. These two things are bonding. You do not have to be embarrassed, just rome around and make it something you two share together. Believe me, when you leave the store, even if you dont buy anything.... it will start communication.

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  19. There is no more responsibility for him as far as a provider....he feels entitled to let loose for a minute to gather himself......do you for same reasons then y'all take trip somewhere....he just want some time back to find himself without being smothered

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  20. Gran says there are 3 sides to all stories yours, mine and the truth....Sleepless night I'm am not for one minute doubting your pain and sorrows.... but hunny you gotta stop doing this to yourself....whatever your husband is going tru at this time yes be there for him when he may need it but hell sister try and be there for yourself..... you worked hard to raise a household, take care of your kids and whatever else struggles you've been tru...they all grown now and gone their ways, your husband is doing what pleases him and you moping around thinking bout god knows what instead of thinking about fixing you.....

    I am all for a happy home but I kno you too need to be happy.... Valarie its hard for them to communicate when he never home much less to sit together and read books..... sleepless night....start by changing that name lol then get up pray and do something with yourself, your life, LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!

    Another thing and I didnt want to say it but it could be that he is being unfaithful. ?......

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  21. I only give the advice because have personally been in the situation. They do not have to buy books. Just spend time together doingbsomwmethingbtgey never did before wuth the kids in the house.... heck - walk around naked go to a sex store and browse without buying something. Thus type of thing is endearing to mmm any people and couples I know who have gone through I same problems. It takes ine night, one time to thoroughly communicate to make a difference. She needs to think positive.

    Another thing- sleepless nights, do not focus on anything negative right now. You will only stress your self out more. Try finding your own personal happiness and communicating with him about how you can make him happy. I take it that you love him dearly and he truly does make you happy... you just have doubts about your relationship and doubts create unstable relationships... when really all that is needed is talking, trying new things and workings a team to make your marriage work. TOGETHER.

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  22. Sleepless.... Many times when something makes a man feel uncomfortable their first response is to pull away. Whereas women are more likely to seek comfort and support.

    You describe what appears to be a good, healthy relationship, with a long history. Use this to your advantage, give your man space but with clear conceise expectations. Make certain he is aware of how his behavior makes YOU feel., not that he is worthless or a bad husband.

    Midlife changes are huge and It could be he has overwhelming feelings and is unable to express them any way other than to pull away and socialize with friends. The more you "mother" him the more he reacts. I suggest being open to finding something yiu enjoy doing. Let him see you excited about your life and things you enjoy. It could be the little spark that rekindles the fire within you both that has been smoldering.!!

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  23. 1st things 1st...i DONT BELIEVE its possible to keep anyones full attention for 20yrs. Hel even 5yrs. There is something or someone out there attracting and distracting ur husband and believe me...hes not being forced to stayy out. Hes doing it beccause he wants too. Just like with many marital problems or issues. This probably isnt directly because of anything u have done. This may just be the place that he is in within his life and or reltionship. He has counted the 20 yr, notice his youth fading, relizing his limittions and now is acting on all of that. Personally, i know for a fact, if i stay out all nigh. It wasnt alone.

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  24. Maam just like u didnt do nything to start the change....there is nothing u can do to stop the change. All u can control is U sweetie...Only u. Believe me the threats of leaing dont mean nothing without action 100%. Been there done that

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  25. Sleepless Nights said:
    Cooper I know my husband better then he knows himself( really) @Valerie I have done all those things and more (trust me we have done it all) Bryen I am trying to give him space but if your out that's your space why can't you answer your phone? Kami sweetie I am not naive dumb or slow if he was cheating I would know if he were cheating we would not be having this conversation, i just don't believe that every time some thing is wrong it means some one is being unfaithful! This has happened 3 time in the last 6 months, it is not the picture you are painting we spend a lot of time together we take monthly trips we work the same schedule we are together all the time and we talk laugh and communicate!

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  26. Sleepless nights- I have faith in you and your husband. It just seems like its a rough time in your relationship ( we all go through this ). You seem to be a wonderful wife and your relationship seems very strong. Please keep us updated!! Have a wonderful day. Happy New Year!!

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  27. Dear Sleepless,

    You have received some great advice here. I agree with the fact that you need to focus on yourself for a while and press into God with all your might. He is the only one that can give you an answer to this question because He knows all and sees all. He knows what is going inside of your husband's mind and heart. Press into God and He will guide you all the way. He is the only one that knows the outcome of this situation and He desires for your marriage to be restored. Trust in Him. We all can sit here and give you our opinions and advice but we speak only from our own experiences, strengths, weaknesses, hurts, past failures, past successes and insecurities but that's just it, it's us and we don't know what is going on within your husband or your marriage. You and us can only assume what can be happening and you know what can happen with assuming. You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"! Go to God gurl and don't give up on pressing into God until He gives you answers.

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  28. Chick I sm glad you have that much faith in your husband and I didnt mean in any way to offend you..... but the picture you painted did seem abit suspicious ...anyway I still maintain the thoughts that you should spend more time with you ....he probably just needs space seeing that you spend so much time together but that's my view I"ll leave the rest to the professionals. ?.. I dobwish you all the best and hope it all works outvin your favor hun

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  29. Kami, I'm not offended. I welcome all advice and opinions thats why I'm here but at the end of the day I have to make my own decisions. I am a firm believer of what's done in the dark will come to the light. If it turns out that he is cheating, no questions asked im out! Why? because I know I deserve better than that. Will I be hurt? Yes but I will get over it. I am taking everyones advice and going to break away from my routine and start doing something for me alone. Wish me luck! I will keep you all posted. Thanks again!

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  30. I have been the other woman for almost six years now. He has never stayed the night with me as he wouldn't do so. He is not about to jepordize his marriage. Does his wife know? Yes she knows. She has caught emails between us in the past, but we are more careful now. He is comfortable as he has the best of both worlds. His family and me on the side. Does this make me happy? Not in the least, but I am content. My thoughts on your situation......your husband wants out but is too much of a puss to do it on his own. He is waiting on you to make that move. Otherwise his ass would be home at night regardless of what he is up to. He is cheating on you. You can tolerate his behavior or you can get out now and make a new life for yourself. Just being brutally honest Sleepless. Get out now and make yourself happy or stay in your marriage and live with his lies and deception. Its up to you.

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  31. Dear Sleepless Nights .....
    If you know anything about how I give advice, you should always know, I try to stick closely to FACT! We can all specualate, but in my approach, I will attempt to help shed a little light on your situation, by using myself as an example. First, lets look at your problem as if it was an Algebra equation; A + B = C. You answer your question by replacing the variable with what you already KNOW; A (he's staying out all night) B (when you call or text, he is NOT answering) so, you have to assume C is (He is doing something that HE wants to do, and does NOT care to be disturbed!) That is the factual data we have, right? Now, when I was cheating heavily, I treated being away from home, like a high school child with a curfew; "I know I'm late, and I'll deal with it when I am finished "Doing what I'm Doing!" How bad could the repercussions be? For ME, Mr. Anatomy, when I didn't answer consecutive text inquiries, or phone calls, I was 99.9% doing something with another woman.......I.E. Cheating! I used what I was doing -vs- what she would do when I got home, and I weighed which was better, the feeling or the argument! The feeling was GREAT, and the argument would just test my innate ability to answer questions on the fly OR, clam up, and make the arguement about your insecurities! Either way, I WON! My suggestion, try to talk to your husband and find out if there is something that triggers his rationale to be away from you all night. Is he looking for a feeling, alone time, or trying to find something he lost as the aging process continues? Either way, marriage is about sacrifice and better or worse. Before you throw in the towel, weigh all of your options!
    Hurchel Williams, MBA, PHR = Mr. Anatomy, author
    Anatomy of a Cheater

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  32. NO LONGER SLEEPLESS,hello everyone its been a minute but all is well ,we seperated for a short time and we are now back together we are seeking marriage counseling, which is really helping and i know by the grace of God we have another 20 years in us....thanks for all of your advice and your support some....it really doesn't matter who was right or wrong just that we are willing to make it work. Thanks Again!

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