You've all heard the term, "If I knew then what I know now.........." you would probably do things a little different. OR, How hindsight is 20-20, well, keeping with that mindset, Today's Question is ..........
What mistake did you make in a relationship of your past, that if given the opportunity, you would completely do it over again and do it differently? Was it something you did; was it something you said that completely changed the complexity of the relationship with this person?
Let's talk about it! Remember the saying, "Those who don't learn from their mistakes, are destined to Repeat them!"
H. Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker,
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
This ? Poses two different settings in both of my marriages. 1. I should have never given up my friends and neglecting my social life for the sake of being into the relationship which back fired because it became one-sided and me catering to their needs and getting in return. 2. Not having an outlet to work off stress and just having some "me" time wasn't available and enabled me stealing time if you will. Both were selfish and controlling because of their own insecurities in which led to the destruction of both marriages and contributing to my behaviors.
ReplyDeleteIf I had to do it over I would ensure I know my mate well enough to determine if she is compatible to my personality and being a sociable couple. I love entertaining and sharing with people.
Just some thoughts to kick off this topic...thx
A very good friend of mine has always told me that life repeats itself just use different people. If I could go back in time, there are several things that I would change but its only because I have lived and learned. I think life is the way its suppose to be. Things happen for a reason and its to either make us stronger, or to break us.
ReplyDeleteByron, could you ever really know a person. I think people are such complex creatures that they only show you what they want you to see. I know throughout life, I have suprised myself with the things that I have done, so much to the point there were times that I have looked back on my own life and thought, who is this and what did she do with me?
ReplyDeleteSSLD,
ReplyDeleteI can honestly agree with you on not completely knowing a person. It takes years of study and may never know until situations surface and surprise us.....thx
3 times in my life,
ReplyDeleteI have made huge mistakes that I truly feel effected the outcome of others. Although people who have loved me tell me, there is no way you could have known how a person received you, I carry hurt on my own heart when I look back at some decisions I've made! Situation 1, the young lady loved me and gave of herself on many levels. While we were very young, our relationship wasn't supposed to be because of how it started. BUT, when I got in deep with her, she showed love of mass proportion. Because of how we were viewed from a few, I ran and hid my head in the sand and called off the relationship. When this happened, she couldn't understand and started to seek love in shallow places.
Situation 2, the young lady I dated, I dated on the side and never gave her the "girlfriend tag!" This made her question her "self worth" and ultimately became her demise of self!
and Finally, Situation 3 (the absolute worse)I was dating a young lady in another state. She had 2 sons and I treasured those boyz with all my heart. (Tearing up now) Well, she wanted to be my bride and to come home with me when I separated from the military. As much as I wanted to be her husband, I let doubt creep in and didn't follow my heart. Well, a few months after I moved back to Memphis, she was working very hard for herself to make ends meet in Orlando, FL. So hard, she had to send her two boyz home for the summer with her parents. That summer, I got a call that something terrible had happened to her son via a car accident while visiting her parents that made her son spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. My pain, If I would have married her, her sons would have been in Memphis with me and his mom and NOT visiting her parents. The accident would have never happened! Those are my regrets and I still carry these "pains" inside!
These are my truths!
H. Williams, MBA
This question brings to mind that relationship that I was in before relocating. This man was by my side regardless. During the time that we were dating and had been dating for some years….I cheated on this man to all extremes……to the point that I got pregnant during my cheating. And he was still there. During my addiction…he was still there. I did not realize the uniqueness of his love. Here I am today and this man has asked me to marry him. Things have changed…..I love him but it’s not the same love that I had for him. He has been like a father to my son since he was a toddler.
ReplyDeleteSo, no matter what I did…this man remained by my side and that is what I love about him. We both have had the opportunity to grow…well at least I did. There are things that I would have done different…..
#1 could have been patient
# 2 could have been understanding
#3 could have been open to the love that was being given
#4 should have allowed God to guide me
#5 could have removed self from many situations
#6 not have taken the wrong path
Woulda,,,,shoulda…coulda!!!!
To be honest, my addiction had me……relationship + addiction = disaster. That is what my life was at that point. Trying to hide it only made it worse. But, I thank God for bringing me through that and allowing me to be the person that I am today.
Many lessons have been learned…..patience, understanding, open, and learning how to remove self from many situations, Learning that I have no control over what anyone says or do….I only have control over what I say and do
Anatomy you carry a heavy burden and should forgive yourself for you. Life brings challenges that call for us to reach deep inside and gain some intestinal fortitude to keep moving. We can't predict anything in this life; only prepare for purposes and use the talents bestowed upon us to enrich lives...that experience has shaped you into something special....may you find peace in your own sovereign...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
ReplyDeleteThat was very enlightening and inspiring to recognize who you were and who you are now...thx for your truth
Thanks Byron!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteAnatomy Of A Cheater This message was meant for you......
ReplyDeleteLife has it twist and turns. There is no way that you could have prevented what happened. Whos's to say that something else would not have happened? Only God knows!! Please dont carry that burden...you cannot blame yourself for something that you had no control over. You are a great man that many may not understand. Take all that has happened and say that it was lessons learned. You are doing great things. You know who you are and what you want. You have impacted many lives......mine is one. You can in life a whirl wind and rearranged my heart, my mind and my soul!!!
I don't think that there's anyting in my life I would change. I feel that all things happens for reasons and that everything you go though are life lessons. Now if you fail the class the first time you will repeat the same class over. Now not to say that my life was or is perfect I feel that everything I have went though was part of my life lesson. And I won't change nothing about my life. My going though what I went though is what made me the mother and the woman I am today.
ReplyDeleteTo the Anonymous, SSLD, Byron, and Babegirl.
ReplyDeleteYou know the saying, "If you want to make God Laugh, tell him your plan!" Well, that is life itself!!! I don't profess to be a highly religious man, but I know as we progress through life, there are certain things we learn and we hold near and dear to ourselves. Question to all, "Have you ever done something so bad, that even when you think about it YEARS later, you still cringe to yourself?" You say, "damn, even this many years later, that still wasn't a good idea, What was I thinking?" Well for me, that is the whole idea of making the mistake and wanting to go back and change it. There are people who knew me in my early 20's and they knew me one way, well, at almost 40, I am completely different and when I bump into them or reach out to them on Facebook, they still talk to me or act as though I am the same person I was in my early 20's. If we can't all learn from our mistakes, we are living a repetitive life where we will continue to do things that are detrimental to others! In retrospect, I love this topic because we can all relate and dig deep within ourselves and question our judgement from the past!
Thanks for Sharing.......
H. Williams, MBA
I too have made many mistakes in my past and wished I could go back to change them. But unfortunately time machines are not real, we just have to move forward to become better people. There is not one person on this earth that has not made mistakes, so we are not alone. The key is learning to forgive ourselves and pray for those we have hurt, that they may find their healing from their pain that our words, actions or decisions may have caused them.
ReplyDeleteCindyLou,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing thoughts.....forgiveness is the one thing that is hard to do, but we must work at it...thx again
I would like to add something if I may to the communication aspect of this topic. I have said things that should have not been said as well as have been on the receiving end of unpleasant verbiage. With that said, I would like to mention that communication is extremely important. We need to realize that in any relationship there are always two perspectives and those perspectives are mold by each persons past experiences. When communicating to one another we need to take this into consideration. If we can allow one another the grace to present their perspective and then understand it from their point of view, it makes being in a relationship so much easier in my opinion. Then once the understanding is there you have a foundation to work out any given problem and compromise if need be.
ReplyDeleteMy greatest mistake in a relationship that ultimately destroyed us was my insatiable desire to stay. I have always seen myself as the ultimate lifemate/wife. I stand by encourage, inspire, cater and nourish the spirit of my man. I do this with such ease and passion that most of my friends and even some goals were cast aside. Now on the surface this seems like a good way of being, but don't be fooled. Anytime you lose your purpose destruction is bound to follow.
ReplyDeleteI stayed in relationships I should have walked away from because of the slander I feared from others. Needless less to say, now that I am alone people still talk about me but I no longer care. I've been delivered from the thoughts and opinions of people and have learned that it is ok to not have a mate to cater to.
I would like to share more but time does not permit.... Maybe next time!!
CindyLou and Tanya, thank you for your perspectives. Tanya thank you mostly for taking that power away from your critics. Enough said. CindyLou you mentioned listening to your partner's thoughts and being able to work through any issues that may threaten or hinder the growth of the relationship. Tanya I admire the fact that you catered to your man, but did he reciprocate the same? Relationship is about sharing each others feelings with prejudice. Thanks you both for good food for thought.......
ReplyDeleteByron, yes but not in the language I needed. I applauded his effort but when I layed out exactly what I needed he was not pliable. Being flexible is just as important as the much needed communication. Better yet, no altering or making compromises in a relationship is communicating a very loud message. Often times failure to really address a challenge in the relationship speaks louder than any verbal disagreement. Needless to say I am no longer in those relationships.
ReplyDeleteTanya, I applaud your choices considering your efforts to promote unity despite your challenges....thanks for sharing the aforementioned
ReplyDeleteCindy Lou.....
ReplyDeleteI sincerely appreciate you finding and contribution to our blog. You perspec,tive on how we all makes mistakes while primitive is exactly how simple life has become. We hold our mistakes inside for years and are never truly healed from them until which time we can actually talk about them and then rationalize our own thoughts about them. For me, that is why blogs are so important, you can express yourself to complete strangers who in turn give you their unbiased opinion.
As for your opinion on Communication.....(your second post) I always say that that word (communication) rules all understanding. People, understand this, we are all adults and by being so, there is nothing truly better than understanding. We have to Understand what's expected out of us before we can actually perform any approving task. How can we take the "one size fit all" approach to life, sex, romance, or even relationships? There in lies the problems as to why we make mistakes. We try to make everyone a cookie cutter model for our affection. Just like ever man's size is different, so are every woman's desires!
Thanks Cindy for your contribution.
H. Williams, MBA
Tanya,
ReplyDeleteI for one, applaud your approach to "womanhood" and marriage! If I read you correct, it means you were very submissive to your husband and role as a wife! However, sometimes men use submissiveness as weakness and don't truly embrace a woman's true desire to please her husband. When this is the case, women feel used and neglected and are now prime pickings for some "Dexter St. Jock" to show up with his tools and mechanic overalls! I feel by staying in those relationships "too long" as you termed it, you may have grown resentment for men and will be overly cautious when the right guy does walk into your life. I call in the "stripper gurl" syndrome! (me and my Syndromes, right?) Well, the stripper gurl syndrome is this; every night, a stripper hears from her customers how they want to love her, take her away from the pole, and make her life 100 times better. She thinks all he is doing is feeding her a bunch of lies until which time he can "get him some" of that forbidden stripper Punani! Well, she plays his head game, takes his money, and often times takes him to the back of the club to VIP and fantasize him until he is left broke. BUT, the discernment comes in NOW........As a stripper, what happens when one of those guys is actually telling the truth? He really wants to have a great life with you, make you honest, and make you his wife? Will you know it? Or, because of all of those losers you have game-drained out of all their money, will you think everyone should be painted with the same brush? Well Tanya, your Knight in Shining Armour is out there, but will you know when he truly arrives? That is your question to ponder until we meet on the blog again.
Have a great evening and thanks for letting your life be our tid bit of justice tonight!
H. Williams, MBA
There is some truths in your response of my becoming over cautious. I don't harbour resentment to men but I am Leary in an attempt to peep game. I'm not hard hearted but more cautious with falling for someone. I share some of my past with candidates and explain that the man who truly wants me will push past my walls... The one who complains and asks that I let him in- won't have me. Action speaks, words do not at this point.
ReplyDeleteAs always there is more but... I live to blog another day.
Thanks for the forum Doc.... Glad we are buddy's.
Tanya,
ReplyDeleteHe's out there and probably closer than you imagine. You have to stop listening and start hearing! There is a real difference. Women, have to start fresh after a "true hurt" experience and just go back to being a lil gurl. Treat your relationships like you did when you were 12! Like him for him and not for his things. Remember when you were young and when you kissed a guy, that kiss lasted for days, if not weeks. We didn't expect a whole lot and in exchange, we got the world. We lowered our expectations to meet our desires of what we "didn't" know about the other person. We allowed life to come to us instead of seeking it out. Open your heart and listen to the rhythm of your personal melody! It's a sweet song!
Thanks Ma'am, Goodnight.
H. Williams, MBA