The Mighty Clouds of Joy said it best when they sang "I've Been in the Storm.......Too Long!" It's an old Gospel song, but let's make it relevant today! Today's Question is ...................."
Is it EVER OK to go back to a relationship/marriage that you previously left, and try it again? Why or Why Not?
There are a couple of people on my "life coaching" list that are currently pondering this question. With total anonymity, I share this with the blog to seek different perspectives from the masses. Let us hear your voice!
H. Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker,
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com
Anatomy, I feel it is okay to go back to a marriage or relationship with a clear understanding what is expected from both parties. Communication and Trust and Respect is the key to ALL relationships and marriage and that is what we lacked as well in my Marriage, trust was also gone and I no longer felt secure in my marriage. Being abused verbally , mentally and physical really caused my heart to go bitter and not trust anymore and become depressed and worthless. I also made a vow that if someone have ONE time to put their hands on me and I could not do it anymore I would leave because of past relationships ,and I just did just that I left for my protection and my children's as well. I was not happy and was very depressed in my Marriage. I can say that I was in a very Cloudy Storm in my marriage. I have girls so I did not want them to see me go through that because that is not GOOD behavior for them to see and feel it is okay to be mentally and emotionally and physically abused. As for me this is a Question that I am also pondering if I should go back to my marriage. I still love my husband , but I am not in love with him. He really wants me back and states he is going to fight for his marriage, right now I am really confused on what I should do. Need some help!
ReplyDeleteJeanne Butler Hutton said.....
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! Especially where children are involved. First you must sit down and communicate as to the reasons the marriage was dissolved in the first place, agree to correct the mistakes that cause the break up and be in total agreement to change the behavior that cause said breakup. I lot of people are very immature when they enter into a commitment to become one. You must have complete respect for the other person and be sensitive to what hurts them and make sure you are both willing to change your behavior in order to make it work. What most young people don't understand that your behavior is what your children sees and since you're the parent, it must be right. Once a child comes into the marriage, you have to put your grown up pants on and realize you are molding what that child shall become as an adult. If you sincerely love that child you will put your brain into thinking about everything you say and do in order to give that child the best role model possible. God should become the foundation for the marriage. You have to put away being self centered and think as an adult knowing what you want has to be put aside for the benefit of what the family wants and needs. Personally, I was 50 years old before I matured enough to see the above and I regret a lot of things that I did as an immature mother/spouse. Making a marriage work is "HARD WORK", and you have to decide what is more important in your life. IF you are not willing to do the above, then it won't be any better for the kids. Staying together "for the kids sake" isn't the answer, children aren't ignorant of what's going on and if the household is stressful, they will know it. That's my opinion, what's yours?
Jeanne,
ReplyDeleteWow, that was really poignant and to the point! You covered a bit of everything there and I sincerely appreciate it! My take; when you know better, you Do better and it takes some longer to understand the institution of marriage, me included! In my teaching, I say, "the older you get, the more you see! The more you see, the more you understand, and finally, the more you understand, the more you are compelled to take someone else's feelings into consideration and fore-go your own in the pursuit of what's right for the overall health of your relationship!" thanks for chiming in!
For me, it got to the point of the children wasn't a strong enough issue due to the state of my marriage. I regretfully put my hands on my wife and turned myself in to law enforcement holding myself accountable. Yes out of norm cuz most men beat their wives to instill fear and comtrol. We went through counseling once we so called trying to work it out, but I found myself walking on eggshells because my never forgave me for hitting her and I felt she held that over my head to contol my behavior and never put forth any effort to "save the marriage". As far as the kids, I left for a career in another state, came back for the kids and struggling to get a job to continue supporting them and worst we still don't communicate. Communication is key. I'm for people getting back together, but at what cost? I maintain a relationship with kids, but it seems that my wife never loved me in the first place. I'm still being punished by that charge and now she regrets not coming to court to defend because she the longer I'm out of work, the worst it gets for her. Depending on the nature of the break-up, work it out if it can. Otherwise keep it movin and find happiness elsewhere...stopping here cuz I don't want to offend...thx
ReplyDeleteHi all been a while since I have put in my two cents, but here it is....
ReplyDeleteI think that reconciliation is possible if both people have grown and changed. I used to always say "No looking back, there is a reason we are not together". But since I have grown I do know that people can change and the new people you become may be good together. But only if there is growth. I say this because there is a reason you decided to split, whether infidelity, abuse etc.
Just say reason was infidelity on one side. The cheater would have to grow to realize the grass is not greener on the other side and the one that was cheated on would have had to grow to be able to forgive the infidel. Because if there is no forgiveness there can't be reconciliation. It does not matter if kids are involved or not. I think family is the most important thing but staying with someone just for the kids will not only waste your life but ruin the children in the process. Children are not nieve to what is going on around them and even if they never see the two of you argue, they will grow up with a twisted mental model of what love is and looks like.
The same holds true in a relationship where abuse was a factor in the break-up. The abuser must grow to know and be able to control those feelings that caused them to abuse, whether physical, mental or otherwise. And the abused must grow to forgive and be able to trust that their partner will not hurt them. The abused must also dig deep to determine if being attracted to abusers is a deeper routed issue. Not all that are abused but some people that are habitually abused find themselves attracted to something in an abuser, but that is another topic.
I was in a relationship that progressed to an engagement but stopped there. I ended the relationship, but he often talked anout us reconciling. I used our break-up to focus on me and learning myself, what I wanted and what I did not want(I believe this is as important as knowing what you want). In that time I realized he and I we never really good for each other, we always had fun and got along but we were headed in opposite directions in life. So when he would mention us getting back together I would tell him if we ever decided to get back together we would have to start from scratch. The new me with the new him, leaving the old relationship as it was, deciding we start with a clean slate. Cause if we try to pick up where we left off we were destined to fail. The old relationship did not for whatever reason but it would be a lost cause possibly ending in I knew you could not change. Time wasted on both ends. Ok that is my take.
Welcome Back Tameka !!!! Happy to see you again !!
DeleteHurchel
I truly believe we will all have different opinions as to how these unions can reunite or stay dead in the tracks of our memories. Like Tameka said of her participation in one of these reconciled relationships, you soon realize that maybe we are not good for each other. Life has a fancy way of repeating itself and not always in a Good Way. Anyone who knows me personally know I have a saying, (like I always have on every thing) it goes, I don't go backwards because there are so many fish in front of you, that are still continuing to grow! Cast your hook, and see what new species bites!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your opinions, You all are the reason we continue to GROW! Visit my new poetry on my site at www.Anatomyofacheater.com - POETRY tab. Tell me what you think!
H. Williams, MBA