Dear Anatomy,
I have been referred to you by a good friend of mine. She says putting my question out there might help me get some clarification with my issue.
Here is goes!! My husband and I have been married for over 8 years and things are definitely at a breaking point.When we got married 8 1/2 years ago I would have never thought this man, whom I respected as a man, would turn into the biggest loser, in my eyes!! About 3 years ago my husband got into an altercation with a guy at a club on the west coast. Well, no charges were ever filed, that we knew of, at that time. March 2011 there was a search warrant out for his arrest from this altercation and the cops came to pick him up. He was later released but the charges were not dropped. After the long journey of court dates we found out that he will only serve community service and 3 years probation. I said all of that to say....Although he has a charge on his record, that does not mean life has STOPPED!!! Bills are still due, children have many needs and our bellies need to be fed. This man has a Masters degree in Biology. He feels like its his right to have a perfect opportunity handed to him. If he can not work in the same field that he was in prior to the arrest, he will not do it. I mean it has gotten truly horrible that he's not trying at all. I would respect him more if he would just work at McDonald's, a Donut shop, walk some dogs or something that doesn't require a background check. I just want him to be a man. I am starting to learn there are two types of men in this world. A MAN that is the sole provider for his family and a man that acts as a lil bitch!!! I am at my wits end because he finds no shame in asking his parents, my parents, my sister and friends for money. I now have a friend at work and I don't think I want to go back to my husband because his actions are disgusting me. One last thing, I don't knock him or put him down in his face so that's why I'm seeking advice. Please Anatomy, what do I do?
Sincerely,
Struggling to Respect
H. Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker,
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com
My husband went through the same thing and I just continued to support him through his trials and tribulations. Life can really beat you up, and we had some serious ups and downs. Our ordeal lasted 5 years and when I finally gave up, and asked him to leave, he did and lived off of friends for a year, and then family. After everybody got tired of enabling him, he was homeless and his car became his home. He had a Bachelors in Chemical Engineering and refuse to lower himself until finally his kids lost respect for him. When he saw that happened, he went to In and Out and served hamburgers. Now, he is a District Manager over an area in Northern California. Moral to the story, Keep Living, he has to find his own way. I remarried...... one of his friends! The whole familiarity factor!
ReplyDelete*Don't Judge*
Greetings Lady on The Edge.......I'm in the same boat as your husband as far as being charged with a domestic crime. I to hold a Masters and struggled ever since to find a job. I turned myself in and took responsibity for my actions, but society still punishes me for what I did. I can't get hired back into my field (education) because of public safety. Never had an incident regarding harm to children or my peers. Now, to get back on point, my wife through the years never loved me. She married for material and convenience due to my children. Your husband has lost faith and is acting out due to society's chastisement of his crime. He has a specialized degree and is limited to the science field. He can go into public education or teach at community college level. Nevertheless all is not lost. I did the application to job thing and background check has hindered my efforts. Now I seek a career change in pursuing the transportation industry. I prefer to teach, but my charge won't allow trust from people in charge. Like you, my wife attacked my manhood and caused me to give up and end our marriage. She never respected me and has sought comfort in a familiar face that she was with during a previous separation. I do provide financial support while sacrificing my own well being to keep my kids safe. All you will gain out of your friend is temporary lust and disappointment. He will not be Captain Save'em. In your post you never mentioned loving your husband. Did you ever? Or has your love suddenly stopped due to finances? For better or worse is hard for most when times are hard. Your husbands plight begins and ends with you. Society will continue to pound your husband because of a mistake, but when family stop enabling and feeling sorry for him is when he will pull up his boot straps and get it! You must decide if divorcing him is right for you and will new friend be willing to step in place of your HUSBAND! Encourage him to explore other options and be his wife. But if divorce is in place, so be it. I wish you well, but my money is on your husband to pick himself up and rebuild himself into someone new. Mistakes happen and unfortunately most are unforgiven.
ReplyDeleteDear Struggling to Respect,
ReplyDeleteIt is very hard to regain respect for someone once you have lost it. I know, I am there and have been there for a very long time. I do think that respect can be regained but only when the person acknowledges their mistakes and are willing to learn from them. If he is not willing to change to make things better for himself or his family then it is not going to happen. It sounds as if his pride is getting the best of him and unfortunately humility is the hardest thing to submit to. The issue is within him not anyone or anything else. I reiterate that if he is not willing to deal with the issues within, nothing will change. Do you still love him? Are you and him connected to any faith? If the answer is yes to both of these then seek counsel from your spiritual connections. If not then seek counsel for yourself for sure to help you through this situation. Sometimes we have to walk through some very hard times in order for God to get our attention. I am sorry that there is not much else to offer but it rests on your husbands shoulders. He has to open his eyes to the reality of the situation and make some decisions. I will leave you with this thought and scripture: God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. If you are a spiritual person, humble yourself before God and I believe He will give you clarity. I will keep you in my prayers in hopes that understanding and clarity will visit your doorstep.
Dear Byron
ReplyDeleteI respect the fact that you took responsibility for your mistake and I am sorry that you are paying dearly for it. But I believe in time God will honor you for taking it upon yourself to be held accountable for your action. Hang in there and keep your eyes above. I will keep you in my prayers as well, friend.
Thanks CindyLou, I really appreciate you
DeleteByron,
ReplyDeleteI, like Cindy, commend your efforts and your being hard on yourself for your actions. Congrats for taking responsibility. NOW, with that said, I have to agree with the lady from the initial question (Struggling to Respect). I believe we all have choices and she is miserable so it's time she makes a sincere choice to move on. There is no hard feelings, but its just time. Cindy asked her about loving her spouse and going to some faith based counseling, well, although she never said whether she has or hasn't, just staying in a relationship as long as she has had to mean she loved him at some point. Relationships are scary, but often times they are never FOR LIFE or divorce rates wouldn't be so high. I am a woman who has been married 4 times. While I am not proud of it, I am proud of the fact that I am a Dr. and have been for over 20 years. My practice is flourishing and I don't have time for dead weight. When my husband's sexual usefulness is over, I move on. I like commitments but they are NEVER forever. My current husband is 13 years younger and his youthfulness keeps me sexy and young. My friends say he married me for the money, I say, "I make it, so why not let him spend some." Every now and again, I pay a private investigator a months salary to follow him to keep him honest. So far, no issues with infidelity! I like this blog Mr. Anatomy and I will check in on your topics periodically!
Thanks "Quad-Dr. of Marriage"
Thanks Quad Dr. Of Marriage and I truly respect your honesty about current husband and comment. I use this blog to find truth and growth about the human spirit and challenges.....hope to hear from you soon...
DeleteTo all,
ReplyDeleteWe have had a full array of exchanges and I thought I would jump in and offer my insight from the midst of the struggle. Donnie McClurkin made famous the term, "We fall Down, but we get up!" So few words but such a powerful meaning. In this life, are there ever any real answers for why bad things happen to good people? Based on what I read, the lady here in our question is at wits end with her husband because she expected so much more out of him than she is getting currently. Then, she has a person at work giving her the looks that a woman covets and feels they deserve. At the end of the day, a woman still needs to be reassured that she is still in the category of "Attractive" and not in the archived one of "has been." When they accept the "has been" tag, low self esteem slowly takes hold and is hard to ever let go! On this one, surprisingly, I have to agree with the lady of the question, (Struggling to Respect) and I'll tell you why. I received this email a few days ago, and I pondered whether to release it in its current state, based on its length. As you can see, I did, and it's because she had a lot to say! I personally feel she has given up on ever seeing her husband in a positive light. As such, life is too short, so follow your own rules but try to at least salvage a friendly relationship with your husband. For the children, it's important that he IS NOT bashed, even if you feel like it. As the wife, try to find yourself a life coach or faith based counselor and really work for answers and improvement of self. If at the end, the husband is there in a better capacity, make a decision to follow the best direction. Reason being, your decision won't be made out of anger, but by a much cooler head, which will ultimately prevail. Divorce is Divisive, if they can be avoided, do, at all cost, however, if it can't be, staying can eventually become taxing as well. Remember, the husband is NOT a child, he has to find his way in his own time! That's my tid bit for now......
H. Williams, MBA
Dear "Quad Dr. of Marriage"
ReplyDeleteIn my incorrect verbiage.... I ain't mad atcha! You have chosen to live your life by your own set of rules and if you can do that, that is the best set to go by! Men use their money to control their circumstances so if that is what you are eluding to by your antics, enjoy your outcome. Now, I don't agree with the private investigator, but hey, if you feel the need to watch your investment, so be it. I must say this, though, does LOVE come into your equation? How about TRUST....? At some point, to have a relationship of validity, you are gonna have to have SOME of the traditional values, if not all! Thanks for finding us and having the courage to chime in. We scare people but it's a forum to be YOU and let your VIEWS be heard!
H. Williams, MBA
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ReplyDeleteLady on Edge I understand what your struggling with but sometimes men need a wakeup call, some of us brothers walk around in life with blinders on somewhat like a horse. Maybe if put in a situation where he sees his train of thought is causing him to loose it all maybe he will see the errors of his ways and search for upliftment from all sources maybe even you.
ReplyDelete