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Mr. Anatomy,
I have what I call the "NeNe Leaks" syndrome. (The Real Housewives of Atlanta) She filed for divorce about a year ago and now feels confused about making it official. It's a classic case of wanting her cake and eating it too! Men do it all the time and no one is phased by it. Women are so much more emotional. However, I know exactly what she is going through. I love my family so much but my husband and I just don’t have IT anymore. The IT is referring to the romantic side of a relationship. We have been through so much hurt and pain over the years, I don’t feel like it can be patched up. We can’t stand each other in sight but miss each others' friendship when apart. He will do whatever I asked at a drop of a dime and will give me his last. However, I think we are much better people apart. We are great parents and best friends but I feel like as soon as I sign the divorce papers, he won’t be there for “ME” anymore. I am not leading him on and he knows how I feel. We are at the end of our divorce, but I won't sign and make it official. My Question is .........
What can I do? I’ve been reading your blog and I know people can be harsh, but I am asking for insight.
Wow, talking about seriously being a problem. I know this scenario oh so well. I am counseling several couples with this similar issue. I will direct all of them here to chime in on how they feel to reach a solution together.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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IF you don't want your husband LET HIM GO! You can't hold on to him for your own selfish benefit! IF you have a great friendship, and the 2 of your are great friends, what are you lacking? Have you tried counseling? My wife toyed with my emotions for 4 years and it broke me in half when she finally called it quits. I cleaned, I cooked, and I took the bits and pieces of sex she offered, only to be told my cock was too small and she couldn't pacify me anymore. I moved away from her and my hometown in Texas and set up shop in Atlanta where I am accepted by my best friend as an equal. I turned from women and I now date men and occasionally women. I was hurt in a deep place in this life and never want to feel that pain again. Don't hurt your husband, let him go, sign the papers!
ReplyDeleteTwin - Matthew, ATL
Real Housewife,
ReplyDeleteIt's obvious you are not ready to let go. Have you considered counseling? If so, did y'all apply the tools? If you've exhausted all efforts, then let go and assist him with 'being there' for you and the kids by remaining friends through communication. Your communication level will increase as time go on but don't become bitter and ruin what's left. Salvage what you can but it seems there is nothing left. My marriage suffered the same and we are divorcing but I still provide for her and my kids. Hope the best decision is made for both of you.
I love the way these topics hit so close to home with me. I feel like I am reading the Guiding Light because I am just learning how you change your topics every 3 days. OK, lady, like Matthew said, you have to tell your husband that you want out and stop trying to hold him hostage based on your needs. If he is your friend at the end, Great, but chances are you and NeNe are right, he won't be. If you have maintained a friendship all this time with him, he must not be that bad of a person. Can you give us a little more to go on about your relationship? BUT, if he is good to you, then he will be good to someone else. I would venture to say, someone else would love to have him and be his NEW lady. Be careful, the good ones only come once in a lifetime, those who get 2 of them are damn lucky or rich.
ReplyDeleteErma *New York*
Lady, you will lose your friendship!!! I went through the same thing with my husband. He did things that got on my nerves and made me feel like someone was scratching the chalkboard at times. I truly felt our relationship was over but I wanted to salvage a friendship. Well, right after the divorce, everything was fine. He still came over, he still fixed things around the house and spent a lot of time with the kids. UNTIL, he met someone else. She was younger, skinnier and just an all around bitch. We met and I knew from the conversation my friendship with my boyfriend from high school, my kids father and husband, was over. Just like you, I wanted to keep him for myself for all the reasons I had grown to love him, but I lost!!! After I lost and he married that bitch, she moved him 2 hours away to another state and we talked on the phone until she had a problem with that. Now, looking back, the friendship was what made the marriage so special. Yes, we lost the romantic sex, but that goes anyway eventually. What I long for now is a man I can fart around or have a stinky breath and we laugh about it because we've been together forever. Sister, count your blessings and try to stay with him if you can.
ReplyDeleteWhite Chocolate in Montana
Ms. Housewife,
ReplyDeleteI must say I understand your dilemma more than you would know. I counsel several couples that have the same issue and what you have described is an age old problem. When you have been married to someone for any length of time, there are some things about them you grow to like and expect. Even when the sex or intimacy fails us, you have a tendency to want to stay around for the comfort the other person offers. Unfortunately, unless your husband is on board with your feelings, and doesn't mind being the friend for life, you know you are going to have to move on. You will have to seek refuge elsewhere. But, allow me to give you my disclaimer before I go any further. "While I don't condone Cheating, we here at the Anatomy of a Cheater Franchise, do recognize that it happens!" With that said, if your husband is a willing participant, an OPEN marriage may be something you want to pursue! HE gets his elsewhere and you do the same, and the two of you keep your current situation. I am not giving you my blessing, however, some of my past clients have tried and liked this type of arrangement because their cards are on the table from the beginning. They were able to keep their friendship intact and both parents for the children under one roof. Just a suggestion, do with it what you must. That is my day one assessment, we will take another look after more people have had a chance to respond.
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
You should stay with him. Unless you know what life has to offer beyond your marriage, you should find it in you to make it work. The grass ain't greener, let me tell you! I've been divorced for 6 years and it's been one dead end relationship after another. I even tried a lady and even that failed. I was with my husband for 12 years and the friendship was better than anyone I've ever had because he was always honest with me. I let sex break us up because I was tired of giving it up and now, I wish I did have someone to make me feel special.....#I'm just sayin! Count your blessings, especially if y'all are kool!
ReplyDeleteUnhappy in Florida
Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. Twin, I have to let you know that I am in NO way leading him on. He knows exactly how I feel and we have discussed this in many conversations. We have always agreed that we are better friends than anything. I do not have a problem with his size or performance; however, I am just not interested in the bedroom night life. Mr. Bryon, honestly I do not believe in marriage counseling (sorry Mr. Anatomy) I just think it resurfaces old wounds that have already healed. Did you and your wife seek counseling? If so, what impact did that have on your "now divorce" process? Erma from New York, I know he will make someone else very happy and I am not blocking that right now. Here’s a bit of our situation. The man had such an arrogant, controlling hot tempered personality to the point of me being scared. After uncovering his many affairs and treating me as if it was not my business, I started to venture out myself. Of course as a woman, I became very emotional in my affairs. I then resented this man because he was my husband and I couldn’t understand why he cheated on me like no big deal but when I did it, it took everything from me. I am not trying to put my infidelity on him but marriage was supposed to be a bond never broken. I am just telling you all how I feel, I cannot speak for him. I felt like (excuse my language) fuck it. This is not just me and him anymore so I lost total interest in sex with him, maybe like it was dirty but not good freaky dirty. From then, whenever sex came up, I would just gross out by the words and the gestures. We have been married a long time and to this day nothing has changed. On the other side, we have great fun, laugh together, do adventurous things, have family time and like I mentioned before, he will do anything for me. White Chocolate, I hear you loud and clear. The comfortable feeling is the best. We both have our gross habits that others would find unattractive, but we know each other like that. He promises to take care of me when he finally moves on but I know that will change. I guess that’s one of my biggest fears. Unhappy in FL, I am torn…I know the grass is never greener because remember, I’ve had a few affairs and they ended up nowhere. I don’t feel like I NEED a man to make me happy but in this situation I like having my family together and my best friend keeping me company. MR. ANATOMY, last but not least!!! If I can get my husband on broad, your idea would be so perfect. We can both seek the romance we are lacking but still have each other to lean on. In an affair, it’s a lonely feeling because you cannot share the confusion or hurt because it’s a secret. An open marriage is by far a great solution!!!
ReplyDeleteFor REAL Housewife!
Yes we did the counseling thing, but it only works when there is effort to make it better. I saw through my wife's eyes she didn't love me and it was time to cut my losses and move on. We have no regrets, but we keep the interest of our kids a priority. We have a cordial relationship, but nothing further outside of parenting our kids. Thx for sharing your response.
ReplyDeleteIn my country, divorce like ending solution. IF you like husband and are friend with he. Stay with the marriage for kids. When we divorce, kids pick one parent and may not see other parent until adult. Marriage is sacred even when chosen by parents or arranged. I no like my husband sometimes but I remember the fun time we have at gathering. Husband here have many girlfriend and may go sleep away for another night or two. but lady with no husband grow old and barren to any man forced to only pleasure with sex not children. Marriage with man considered perfect for lasting. Sometime when granted a divorce you never get another husband and alone with children by yourself. I live Mumbai, my name ABHILASHA
ReplyDeleteThank you for getting back to us. My husband was my biggest supporter. Friendship is a funny thing. It means a person don't judge you for what you have become or what your desires are. Our last few years were very open where he allowed me to explore my own desires. I always had a thing for black men and he encouraged me to not think about what others would say here in Montana and live for me. There are very few men of color here but I found someone I liked who embraced that I liked black men. Unfortunately, it didn't work out, but all this went on while we were still married. So your comment, "it’s a lonely feeling because you cannot share the confusion or hurt because it’s a secret" is 100% correct. When he married someone else, a part of me died when he left because it felt like he died too! Be careful what you wish for. It never comes back!!
ReplyDeleteWhite Chocolate in Montana
You should follow your heart but use your head! I am living with my decision and I have to say both sides have pros and cons.
ReplyDeleteTammy, care to explain exactly what living with your decision means?
ReplyDeleteNot entirely-that would be making myself way to vulnerable and just not ready to be that open with anyone. What I will say is this, I wanted my marriage to work at any cost. After years and years of completely dieing to myself, I finally signed the "Big D" papers (with the deception of things would work out if I did) It has taken me years to get to know me again and what I want out of my life. Let's just say my ex married his mistress. Believe me when I say, "what comes around goes around". (not that I really wanted the ex to hurt). You know where he ends up right?? On my door everytime! Even though I still have feelings for him and would love to think things would be different I try my best to stay focused and not go there again. (I almost did one time) We are still friends and I try to show him unconditional love. but I know he does not have my best interest at heart. All of that being said I AM GOING TO LOVE ME FIRST!! I am alone by choice! I have become so picky about the next person that I dont know if they are real. I am also waiting untill my youngest child turns 18 before I will consider anything besides friendship. (come on 1-11-2013) PS- you are right "real house wife", He will not be there for you, but hopefully the children.
ReplyDeleteHousewife, be very afraid of losing someone that is a friend. After reading what you say, I think you are working with anger on one side, and love on the other. I always had one or the other, either sex was good or friendship was great. You said his size or performance wasn't the issue. You are just going through a classic case of not being able to let go of past pain and hurt. Darling, take it from Ms. Erma, you can't teach friendship, you can't teach him how to have a big one, and you can't teach performance. Shit, you got all three! I think you are mad at some thing he has done. Just like you mold your kids to do better, tell him if he wants to salvage what specialness is left, he will get on board. Listening to you in your explanation, I think you still in love and scared to lose the love you are hiding. I've been around a few times, more than I care to tell my church members, but you might have a good one, leave him, you lose your future!
ReplyDeleteErma in New York
Thanks for replying. The most important thing for you to remember is life only happens once. You got to understand how NOT important sex becomes as you get older. You say he's good with his size and performance, well, use that to your advantage NeNe Leakes! I think you're gonna feel the lost when he's gone! Like Erma said, you can't teach friendship! Just because you're here asking for our opinions means there's something left for y'all! But, if you decide you don't want him, give him to Matthew, I could use a Coke and a Smile, best believe it!
ReplyDeleteMatthew ATL
Dear Ms. "Real Housewife",
ReplyDeleteYou say you don't believe in counseling because "I just think it resurfaces old wounds that have already healed", but it does not sound to me like your old wounds have healed because you are not interested in making love with your best friend whom you still love. It sounds like you are afraid to relive the pain of the past hurts in order to get the healing that you so deserve and need!! Is that why you don't believe in counseling and won't go? Emotional wounds are like cancers, they continue to hurt and fester until you cut them out. Counseling would benefit you both if nothing else but to prepare you for the next person so you are not carrying that baggage into the next relationship.
I believe in the scripture that says,
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
If he is willing to go with you then go get counseling. Don't be afraid to relive that pain in order to get the complete healing that you both need to salvage your marriage. You have something of great value in that relationship and that is your friendship. When the sex has diminished (which it does as you get older) and when the kids are grown and gone you will need that friendship plus you will treasure it as well because that is when it will be just you and him. Those years should be the years to spend with your best friend enjoying one another and living life. They say those are the "Golden Years". If you are best friends then there should be no reason that you should not be able to work this out and get the inner healing to make your marriage work. Much too often people are too scared to relive the pain of past hurts but I know from personal experience that it is the best way to becoming a healthy and whole person making you a better you!! If he is not willing to go then you go to counseling for you. Let him go and rediscover yourself!!!
I hear you loud and clear, but let me just say one more thing to your answer. After the divorce and after trying things on my own, I feel trashy! When you get your divorce, you will see the dating scene has changed. Men aren't nice anymore and they expect so much more. You can't ask questions because they hide so much. You try to get close to them and they don't want to commit. All they want to do is have sex and tell you to give them some time to know you. Dating is confusing but you say you don't need a man OK, but I convinced myself of that very thing. After a few years of loneliness, I realized I was getting older and not having any fun. When I did step back out, I felt like an unpaid prostitute because these dudes wanted so much more than my husband use to. He just wanted missionary, I should have just done it that way. Think about it before you call it quits. Don't know your age, but talk to someone who has been there, it ain't fun!
ReplyDeleteUnhappy in Florida
Dear Housewife,
ReplyDeleteI think, for the most part, the ladies have spoken and given you their most intimate ideas of what you should do and why you should do it. I see you think my idea of having an open relationship is a good solution. Well, let me just say, I gave you that option because it gives you an opportunity to stay with your mate, however, even that option has its risk and prior to stepping into those shoes, you might want to explore author Stephen Covey's book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" habit 2, Begin with the end in Mind! Why, because you want to think about how you will feel when another woman is filling your shoes and you know about it. That is truly NOT practical if your husband's infidelity bothered you, how will you feel KNOWING ahead of time he is out doing what he's doing? Ma'am, my advice, let LOVE prevail and try to find the reason you married this guy in the first place. If there was ever ANY love there, expound on that and explore the basis of the friendship. As you age, sex is less important and your pure compatibility wins over romance. Picture yourself in the nursing home with two rocking chairs together, not just ONE. Think about what life has taught us: As we age, we revert back to our original form. In some cases that means wearing diapers and having your butt wiped after you use the bathroom. Let him wipe your butt, not the nursing home attendants, I promise you his care will outweigh the fact you don't want to give IT up NOW! Ponder the truth behind what I have said!
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
Ms. Housewife, I wasn't going to say anything because sometimes it's easier to read and keep your comments to yourself, but I have to take you back to what marriage is all about and how divorce is viewed in a biblical way. Sharing, caring, understanding and the ups and downs of life! Deuteronomy 24:1 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and send her out of his house.....!" Turn that around and you are him based on what you see, tell me how you might feel? This is the Law Concerning Divorce. You have found the uncleanliness in HIM. Before divorce, light a new fire! Your friendship is the building block for you to restart your future with your husband. Marriage is NOT easy, so neither is commitment or forgiving someone for their bad behavior but, child raising is never meant to be done alone. I never tell women to stay together for the kids but you have outlined why your friendship is so important to you, so giving the relationship another chance seems like an option. Do you think your lack of desire to make love to your husband pressed the need for him to have affairs? Just a question, don't know your particular situation. Search thyself for answers before giving away your PEACE!
ReplyDeleteFirst Lady
My wife and me are living a perfect life style. We started out like you, unhappy and on the verge of separation but we realized the children were more important so we stayed together. I was cheating on her the last 2 years of our relationship because the home life had declined. We went to see a counselor and we brought out everyone's faults and I found out my wife had been living a double life too. Everything came out during counseling and the truth was refreshing. Now, we both are happy with other people even though we live in the same house. I would be lying if I told you we don't have intercourse sometimes but the most important thing is the happiness of the family unit. We have 3 kids and they don't know what Mom and Dad really do or how we find our happiness. We role play and even talk up our other relationships. The goal is to find what makes you happy and keep what's important in mind! Keep what you do and how you live to yourself. Found this blog on twitter and been reading for a while. I've submitted a topic under infidelity and hope my leaving a comment you would consider using my question. My subject was "2 Happy with Sex!"
ReplyDelete2 happy People in Ohio
I was not going to comment because some good answers have preceded me. However, I must say please let go! Yes it is hard to accept that he may not be there for you any longer and take the cold shoulder approach, but a false sense of peace is not peace. You mentioned men often want their cake and eat it to; but you are a woman. Our emotional level is different. We require a certain level of emotional stability which obviously he is no longer providing you. Finances can be replaced along with any material possessions, but peace of mind is hard to fake.
ReplyDeleteTrust your gut in the end but not your fears! I wish you the best.
Tanya Angelique, MBA
Life Coach and Business Consultant
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