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Mr. Anatomy,I'm losing my mind with deception so my cousin suggested I send you my question because she said you and your bloggers handle some strange but TRUE questions on this site! Well, I'm a truck driver in the U.S. Army stationed at Ft. Hood, Texas. My wife is 6 months pregnant and that is keeping me up at night staring at the ceiling. After our last child, who is 3, I secretly had a vasectomy to keep from getting my wife pregnant again. So, imagine my surprise when she told me we were having another baby? Mr. Anatomy, I'm NOT the baby Daddy so we are both lying to each other. My Question is ..................
"How do I tell my wife of 8 years I know for a fact, the baby she is carrying is NOT mine?"
This is definitely a question that will require some thought. I must say, I haven't seen this type of deception that has the ability to alter the outcome of a new life. Bloggers, let's really give this one some serious thought and shed some light on this man's situation!
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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Wow. This may sound strange but you are not the first or the last with such a dilemma. The only way to tell her is to TELL HER! I would start with the confession (with documents proving in hand) of the vasectomy. This will immediately open the floor for her to talk. If she is willing to come clean without the questions of maybe your procedure was ineffective then you will have your truth.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well and pray your strength in the matter.
Tanya Angelique, MBA
Life Coach and Business Consultant
Follow me on Twitter @eyesoftameggs
Blog: http://redjagdiva-randomthoughts.blogspot.com/
You got some things to think about. Why didn't you tell her about your vasectomy when you had it? That was your first mistake and first lie not told. BUT, she is seriously in some trouble because she has for 6 months, thought you have bought this lie she selling. You have some choices to make and fast. My next question is will you stay with her when she find out the truth? Will you raise this baby even though his/her life will start out from cheating? If so, tell her the truth, ask for the truth, then assure her of your commitment to stay in their life! Think long and hard about this because don't promise if you can't deliver. I just read a topic on this blog about Love me or lose your wife. You might want to read that one too if you haven't. Loving this Blog Mr. Anatomy of a Cheater.
ReplyDeleteDarnell in Milwaukee
Oh my my my! This is quite a daisy! First thing I would do is figure out what I wanted to do in this relationship and go from there. while figuring that out I would have to consider all of the legal ramifications of infidelity in the military and whether or not this situation could go or would go that far. What I suggest is, and this is only a suggestion, I would just place the paperwork from the vasectomy on the table in front of her and try to have a calm adult conversation about the matter. If that doesn't work for you then I would consider where this problem places your heart in this relationship.
ReplyDeleteFirst thing you need to do Soldier, is go see if your "little fishes" are swimming again! And then leave a copy of your papers on the table like Kimberly said. Don't accuse her unless you KNOW for a fact those fishes are not the cause of the pregnancy.
ReplyDelete*SecretFreakyLady* in Memphis
All I can say is John 8:32 that speak of the truth setting you free. There is no other option because an innocent life is on it's way here so the both if you need to find the courage to come clean and be honest with each other regardless of the outcome. I've witnessed this case several times during my service days and its never peaceful. So please just take the lead as a man and sit her down and talk. Also, why let her go into 6 months of pregnancy before your conscience bothered you? Both of you are at fault. Hope it works out for y'all and that child.
ReplyDeleteI suggest that you have that hard conversation with your wife. Simply because you are human and even though the child has done nothing wrong he or she will be a constant reminder of the deception and infidelity that has transpired. It only takes a little bitty seed of resentment to blossom into a forrest of hatred. Address it now, seek counseling if you still love your wife otherwise leave. You deserve better as well as the unborn child.
ReplyDeleteThank you to everybody who is trying to help me. I appreciate all the comments so far. I will answer all the questions everybody have asked and tell you all, I already went to the doctor and had the test to see if my sperm is working. I am still shooting blanks! I had that test right after she told me she was pregnant. When I said I wasn't the Baby Daddy, I meant it! I am hurt, but I love my wife. I didn't tell her about the vasectomy because she wanted a lot of kids. She's Puerto Rican from the Bronx and in her culture, they embrace large families. I didn't want that so I didn't think there would be any harm in getting snipped privately. She can be a little feisty so she may tear the house up when I tell her what I did. She already has one domestic violence charge stemming from a misunderstanding at our last base. She had to undergo anger management classes for 18 weeks before we were allowed to move back in together. She broke the windows out of the car, punched me several times and took our 2 children back to New York. This is why this won't be an easy conversation. I had to wear a black eye for a week and for a white male in the military, having to lie about being beat up by your wife is not really funny. I have the paperwork in my car and I have been looking for the right time to sit her down and go over it, but she is so happy that this will definitely cause a fight. I will love her and the baby no matter what, but do you think it's right if I never say anything about it and just pretend this child is truly mine?
ReplyDeleteHelp....Not The Baby Daddy!
You love her, but does she love you? Maybe, she loves the perks of military life..... if you are scared that she will beat you again, have your pastor present. This lady needs to know that you know for certain the baby is not yours. But the real issue is if you knew in the beginning that you didn't want a LOT of children, you should have made this clear. The other issue is she is your wife you should have discussed wanting a vasectomy with her. And last, now you have to deal with knowing that she is a cheater. Whatever you do it should be before the child is born.
ReplyDeleteDear "Not Baby Daddy"
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost this new life that is growing in your wife is NO MISTAKE regardless who the father is. In Jeremiah 1:5 it tells us that God knew Jeremiah before he was formed in his mother's womb and before he was born God sanctified him plus ordained him as a prophet. God is the giver of life so He knew that this baby was going to be conceived at this appointed time. He knows the reason behind this situation because He is Omniscient-infinitely wise, Omnipresent-present everywhere at once and Omnipotent-having unlimited power. With that being said, it tells us in Galatians 1:15-17 that Paul after his conversion did not confer with flesh and blood (meaning human men) for instruction but separated himself to Arabia where God revealed the gospel to him personally. I use this scripture to encourage you to go directly to God yourself and talk to Him about this situation and receive instruction from Him. Hopefully you are a praying man but if not, there is no time like the present to start. Go to God with a humble, contrite spirit and unload your burden to Him as if you were sitting down with your best friend. Then take time to listen to what He may want to speak to you and for His instruction. Have faith that He will meet you and help you through this issue! He is the best one that you could turn to because He knows how your wife will react and with prayer her reaction may not be what you expect. Philippians 4:6,7 says to be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Ask God to go before you and prepare her heart to receive your news and to soften her heart so that she may confess her adultery to you with true humility. Ask God to set up the appointed time for your conversation and for His peace to reign during it. Thank Him for honoring your prayers and have faith that He will. Seek counsel from a person of faith to help you and support you with prayer as well. God can turn this situation into a blessing if you allow Him to. I know that may sound strange but God is a God of restoration. I will keep you in my prayers as well and believe that God will show up and His glory will be manifested.
Dear "Not Baby Daddy"
ReplyDeleteYou have a great deal to consider as you move forward with understanding and examination of your issue. You asked if it was bad if you "Never" say anything and move forward as if the child is yours? Well, only you can determine how you will feel in the short term and long range of the child's life. Remember, being a parent is for life, not just a short stint. So, you will have to love the child unconditionally and will never be able to access the memory of the infant NOT being yours. That will only create a disconnect between you and the child and that is certainly not fair to an innocent newborn.
I have a few questions for you. Six months ago, or around the time that your wife conceived the child, were you in town or have you been on deployment with the Army? Did you have any reason to feel your wife had been unfaithful prior to her current pregnancy? How is your marriage otherwise; I mean, is there a loving, sharing environment for the children? Have you examined inside what the deception of having a vasectomy and not telling her will do to the moral foundation of your marriage? If you have a spiritual religious affiliation, have you pulled from this source for help and counseling? Please try to answer these questions as truthful as possible and I will give my opinion based on your answers.
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
I have another question for "Not the Baby Daddy" - let's say you decide to stay and not say anything......what happens if she gets pregnant again?
ReplyDeleteI will attempt to answer all the question that have been asked. Monique, I don't think she is only with me for the military lifestyle because she has been with me the whole time even with me through all of my deployments. I got back from Afghanistan about 6 1/2 months ago and that is when the conception of our child was supposed to happen. Like all men, I was gone for almost a year so as a Soldier, you don't have time to think about what's going on back home. It's just NOT a productive thing to think about. She sent care packages and stayed in touch through internet, phone, and pictures. I think I was supposed to think she conceived with all the sex we were having immediately after I got home. Cindy Lou, you are right, there are NO mistakes with child conception and pregnancy but it's much more special when you know it's yours and it's pumping your blood. I love her unconditionally and I do plan to raise this child as mine but, Phyllis poses a good question when she said what if I don't say anything and she get's pregnant again thinking it's OK to have sex with others without protection. After reading what Phyllis said, I spoke to my Lutheran Pastor to seek some spiritual guidance. He asked me to allow him to pray for a clear answer but said ultimately I will have to let her know about the vasectomy and how I am quite sure the fetus she carries is NOT mine. I still am determined to raise this child as long as the race of the other man is consistent with who I am. I would feel really bad if it's of a different ethnicity, not that I'm racist but people will surely ask questions. I never had a reason to believe she would cheat but separation and loneliness can get the best of a military wife. I just want to be told the truth.
ReplyDeleteNot the Baby Daddy
Think about the last line of your response............."I just want to be told the truth"...........well I think she would feel the same way. It's clear you love her, so gather the strength and try to go ahead and deal with this issue. I pray that everything works out, and that you truly can accept this child as yours and love him/her unconditionally. You can turn this travesty into triumph with LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING!!!
ReplyDeleteDear NBD
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you in that it is more special when you know that it is your child with your blood running through the veins. I am sorry that this has happened to you but God can work it all out if you allow Him to. It may not come easily but God has a way of working things out for the good if He is given the opportunity to do so. Byron is correct!!
John 8:31-36 tells us: 31 So Jesus said to those Jews who had believed in Him, If you abide in My word[hold fast to My teachings and live in accordance with them], you are truly My disciples. 32 And you will know that Truth, and the Truth will set you free. 33 They answered Him, We are Abraham's offspring(descendants) and have never been in bondage to anybody. What do You mean by saying, You will be set free? 34 Jesus answered them, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, Whoever commits and practices sin is the slave of sin. 35 Now a slave does not remain in a household permanently(forever); the son [of the house] does remain forever. 36 So if the Son liberates you[makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free.
You and your wife are both slaves to the deception that you have chosen to live in. The fact that you lied about your vasectomy and now you are faced with her being pregnant by another man put you in bondage to that lie. She thinks you don't know but because of your lie you do. You are now a slave to the hurt, guilt and fear of not knowing what to do as well as what the outcome will be of this situation. Take it to Jesus the Son and confess your lie then continue to pray for God to open the door for you to talk with your wife and tell her the truth. Once the truth is out, you can begin from there to rebuild your foundation on truth rather than lies. You will be free of the guilt, stress and fear and can begin the healing process. It won't be easy but it will be worth walking through the pain in order to heal appropriately! Trust that God is true to His word and tell her the truth so you both are set free from all the deception. See what He can do. God is marvelous in all His works!!