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Mr. Anatomy, I know we all have problems, but mine has completely changed my life. I met a guy in October of 2009 after losing my best friend in the whole world to an untimely death. While we lived in different cities, we started by texting. He was just a very supportive guy who comforted me during my grieving period. Over the next few months, we talked and texted and truly got to know one another. Finally, it was time to meet so I scheduled to meet this man in April 2010. The day before I was to drive 4 1/2 hours, I started having anxiety and did some extensive research, only to find, this supportive gentleman was "Married!" He never told me this! I was completely devastated, but he begged me to come anyway and assured me they were not living a traditional marriage, as they are not together! We met, had a great uninterrupted weekend, and our magic love affair began. Four months later, I was pregnant and in love but shortly after the baby was born, my downward spiral began. He moved to where I live, and all the promises of protection, love, and security was replace by insecurity, verbal and mental abuse, and a person struggling to take care of me and his child. I lost a lot with this man, and now, I live in his city and we are both at wits end with one another with financial troubles, fighting, his cheating and no desire to divorce his past. Mr. Anatomy, my question is ..........
"How do I move forward after investing 2 years in a relationship heading "no where?" I have a child in pampers, and a life in shambles!"
Ma'am, you do have quite the dilemma and I will accept the responsibility of Life Coaching you with open arms. While this will be a journey, you have to listen and attempt to understand my methods of improvement. My bloggers are sincere so bloggers, start your engines.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com (send US your Questions anonymously)
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Just move on. Chalk it up as a series of bad decisions. Brace yourself to be a single parent because he is already following his pattern of not being faithful and unaccountable. You can never get back lost time but you can prevent loosing anymore.
ReplyDeleteHow do I deal with this guy as we are living in the same household, with our children. He's stubborn, hateful, rude & everything else that makes living under the same roof uncomfortable. I need time to get back on my feet, because I lost myself/independence with him. So I can't just up & leave. So in the meantime, what do I do to make the living situation less tense, possible get him to see the wrong he's doing/done, open the lines of communication with him & get him to TALK?
ReplyDeleteBy you reaching out to Mr. Anatomy, you know that a change has to be made! Don't try to make him love you anymore than you have already tried. If he wanted you, he would have made some grown up decisions by now. Women are strong and when it's time to make choices that better you, you have to pull from that inner woman strength we all possess. Don't let your life pass by and you are watching it from a jail cell or 6 feet under. So you failed in this relationship, so what, move on and move forward. Don't be afraid to admit your defeat. Listen to other women like myself and Dea Lovingmemore Paige, hear our voices. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteLook here Shawty,
ReplyDeleteI may not say thangs tha way everbody else do but I do know how tha game is played. I use to be a playa type like yo man and don't like givin up tha game but, since Mr Anatomy is workin with ya, you must be lookin for sum str8 answers. So here ya go. Do dat mane tha way he doin you! Feed him like he feedin you. If he cheat, you cheat. Get by yoself and do betta again and that will shock tha sh*t our of playa. He needs to learn how sh*t taste cause its nasty. A playa like dishin it but don't like gettin it back.
The first step is always the hardest when making changes. What you have on your hands right now is not working by your own admission. Don't try to look at everything at once. Start small in the changes that need to be made. In a bit you will look back and see that you have pulled yourself up by your boot strings. This status quo lull that you are in will cause you to loose YEARS of your life that will saddle you with bitterness, regret and resentment. Save yourself and you can save your children in the process. This is his pattern to find one vulnerable women and suck even more of the life out of her. Stop looking at him as though he is offering you more than what he really is and start looking at him for what he really is. The view without the rose colored glasses will make the transition easier.
ReplyDeleteYou truly have a lot to examine within yourself and your future. My advice, seek strength in the things that you know, your children, your family, and more importantly, your faith. When life is telling you there is a change needed listen to it. If there are problems, and you can't find the solution, "turn it around" and learn from it. Sometimes we let love be detrimental to us and our growth. If he is not acting right, leave him with himself to find a solution to improve. You have a life, and child to think of. Understand love enough to let it go! God provides for us when we seek his glory!
ReplyDeleteYoung woman, what do you want from your relationship? Do you want to keep this together or are you prepared to leave it and change your life for the better? Sometimes, Like Mr. Anatomy said, love can hurt us because we think we have to hold on to it. I am an older woman and I am in a relationship going no where but in my day we stayed regardless. If my church members knew how I really felt, they would kick me out of there. What happens is we marry the nice guy who said all the right things and then, the person who wakes up in the bed next to us is a damn monster! You said he lied to you in the beginning, why did you stay with him because that was your sign. When you pull down his pants in the very beginning and he has a tail, chances are, he's the devil! That tail rarely falls off and when it does, it just grows back!
ReplyDeleteMs. Erma - New York
If what you are explaining is true, your boyfriend needs a reality check! You can almost hear your sincerity in your words and question. I know what you are probably saying is what single mothers always worry about, I want to stay with my Baby Daddy because if I don't, I become another statistic. Well, be a single mother statistic or a battered girlfriend statistic, you pick your poison! What you are experiencing is a form of controlling behavior through fear and lies. Let this thing go, if you don't you will wonder what happened to portion of your life you saw through tears.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't up and leave, like you said, then get some counseling for the both of you. I see you are working with Mr. Anatomy, but what about him, is he working with him too? If you are trying to save this relationship, do everything together starting now and the first thing is make sure you are both getting the same advice. #ImJustSayin Kevin in Burley, Great Britain.... #acrossthePond
ReplyDeleteI would love for the both of us to go into counseling together. His issues run deeper than my issues do (which may require more work on him). But he's stubborn & it's going to be hard to convince him to get the help he desperately needs. I pray for him daily, as well as myself & our children. I'm really trying to stand strong. No I'm not staying in this for our child b/c I gave him the chance many times while I was pregnant, & since I've had the baby. I always tell him he is NOT obligated to stay with me b/c of our daughter. My ex-husband taught me early on that a child does NOT holding a relationship together, so I'm not trying to make it work for the child.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has given you great advice and I truly agree. However you mentioned that he is abusive and has a past. All men who have prejudice or hatred toward women are Misogynist and they are very deceptive, controlling and ultimately abusive. I dont see any good coming out if this and you need to be aware of the danger you are in as the clock ticks. Develop a safety plan and execute when the time permits. You are in his hometown and comfort zone where he can control you. Don't know if your other kids are school aged, but when the school year ends take a summer trip back home and gather your thoughts and develop your inner strength as a woman as White Chocolate stated and the heed the advice of the other bloggers cuz we are all concerned and want the best for you and kids. Remember, "no weapon formed against me shall prosper".
ReplyDeleteIn Japan we marry young and no have to be in love cause love will grow like strong root bush to tree. Man and woman have understanding to be in life together. Together until death and raise disciplined children. Man can be understood to seek sex for fun with no love at legal place for sex but come home right after to wife who understand it was for fun no love. America different and emotions are in 2 places not just home. Here we study cultures of other countries and read to understand. Japan is a place with tradition and women don't speak out of simple thing like sex, husband for working hard, taking care of bill and keeping family unit together and sacred. Tell husband honor family no disgrace because disgrace not just on him but all family from here to come from offspring too. Mr. K Shimazu, Naha Okinawa Japan
ReplyDeleteYou made a mistake when you chose to pursue him. You also slept with him knowing he was married. Ask God to forgive you & move on with your life.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, GOD is a GOD of order. I too was married, BUT separated and live a life as I was single for 5 years. Even had a baby by someone other than the man I was married to. Im sorry, children are a blessing, but it doesnt mean the relationship that formed to conceive them is. You can't be married to another and ACT like married you're married to someone else. We must be obedient at all times. If this man REALLY wanted you, he would have gotten a divorce FIRST! He has no problems with "cheating" on you because he has NO REAL commitment to you. My advice, take care of yourself and your baby because in the end YOU DID THIS, take responsibility for the mistake you made (its okay, trust me) God went ahead and let you do what you wanted to, now its up to you to repent for being with another woman's husband. Please know God hasnt forgotten you nor did he forsake you. YOU chose that man even after GOD lead you to the truth-he actually warned you! (you found he was married before you even met him).
ReplyDeleteA relationship when one ( YOU or the other person) abuses the other physically, verbally and/or mentally is not healthy. Staying when you are smacked, kicked, punched, bitten, put down, cheated on, called out your name and lied to on a consistent basis will only lead to death and not just death as in "no longer breathing", because there's a lot of "walking dead" among us. Some relationships will kill the essense of who you are IF YOU LET THEM. There's not a husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend status worth your life or sanity.
ReplyDeleteA relationship when one ( YOU or the other person) abuses the other physically, verbally and/or mentally is not healthy. Staying when you are smacked, kicked, punched, bitten, put down, cheated on, called out your name and lied to on a consistent basis will only lead to death and not just death as in "no longer breathing", because there's a lot of "walking dead" among us. Some relationships will kill the essense of who you are IF YOU LET THEM. There's not a husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend status worth your life or sanity. This was my status yesterday...Why are you still trying to work on something that he obviously doesnt want to fix???? The only person I see that needs counsel is you!!!! You lost your best friend, you're trying to justify this relationship with married man, he's abusing YOU!!! YOU need Counseling!
Are you kidding me women start over every day its only been 2 years pack up move on and see him in court for child support don't waste another minute of your life with him...you can only change you and only you!!!!
ReplyDelete