Dear Mr. Anatomy,
I am a Married and a very BISEXUAL FEMME woman. I am into the ladies but only with my husband, I do not have any attraction to another man at all outside of my husband. We do have 3 somes together but he feels that it is okay to go outside the marriage and deal with women on his own without me. He knew I was bisexual when we met and he has never had a problem with it. I know they say this life is every man's fantasy but is it being a hypocrite that I get what I want out of the situation being with him and a female and not allowing him to do what he wants also? My Question is .....
"Is it wrong of me to not want my husband to play outside of what we do together?"
Mrs. Femme, thank you for bringing your question to our forum. Before I chime in on your topic, I will allow my bloggers to have a crack at it. We have answered a question like this in the past, and I will try to find that reference to the past and post it for your review. Please remain visible and readily available to answer any questions my bloggers may have for you.
Mrs. Femme, thank you for bringing your question to our forum. Before I chime in on your topic, I will allow my bloggers to have a crack at it. We have answered a question like this in the past, and I will try to find that reference to the past and post it for your review. Please remain visible and readily available to answer any questions my bloggers may have for you.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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No matter what sex you're attracted to, you two said vows to EACH OTHER. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun and spicing things up, but if you're not comfortable with what he's doing then you need to let him know that. And in turn make sure you ask him what he's comfortable with when it comes to you also.
ReplyDeletePlease keep in mind as well when you are opening up your marriage to others you are also opening up allowing feelings to also be involved. This means whom ever you are allowing in the bedroom your husband may really like the way the other get down or vise versa, no offense to you and then that will create room for maybe sneaking around. I don't understand why get married and that type of behavior is done going against vows of marriage it seems like now everything is okay to do going against the Word of God.. Ijs You opened up that can of worms so deal with it , it sounds harsh but hey your marriage to me is an open marriage so it is like do as you please.. You both are already commiting adultry, so hey what is the difference with him going out on his own ?
ReplyDeleteI feel that way, too Precious but I didn't want to sound judgmental. People just have different lifestyles I guess.
ReplyDeleteI really believe when u get married u vowed to b with that person and only that person. But if u r bisexual u shouldn't get married. If u know u still want to try different sexual things, I think u should do them before u get married. Its nothing wrong with spicing things up in your marriage , but don't bring other people in your bedroom. You re violating your married vows. Like an old person use to tell mw dont leave room for the devil bc he will show up
ReplyDeleteI have been bisexual since before I had children. It is not something I have to do but chose to do but with my husband. I think if he wants to be open to dealing with women without me I should be able to deal with men if I chose to. But he is against that altogether.
ReplyDeleteMrs.Femme, I'm also bisexual. The same things you do with your husband I with mine. This difference is we have rules. We DO NOT PLAY without one another. It's not ok that he plays without you. You and your husband should be on the same page. Just like you bring females home to him. He should also bring females to you. You and your husband should sit down and talk about what you want and what he want and meet some kind of way in the middle. If this is what you guys choose to do within your marriage. If it was me I would do the same to him meaning I would play without him. Now that's just me I'm not telling you to cheat on your husband. Bet if you played without him he wouldn't like it. Show him how it feels. And if he cares he would change how he do things.
ReplyDeleteBabegirl
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly what u mean. I mean I think it can work for us without the extras on the side. But we need to have rules in place for it to work with no drama.
I agree....if the rules r already in place. The rules can not be made as we go along or change because u r no longer interested in what u have created....my personal take is if u want the rules changed u shouldn't have started the game in the first place!?!?!?
ReplyDeleteWell its not that I want the rules to change to benefit me. This is something that I like and would love to have my spouse enjoy with me. I think it adds a little extra to what we already have. This is his first rodeo not mine. I have been bisexual a very long time and have never had a problem bringing the other party into it until now. I think a lot of it has to do with also where we live and their beliefs here. In the bigger cities it isnt looked at in a bad way but we are a long way from the city. When people are raised in communities where they know nothing of this type of lifestyle and you are trying to show them there is more out there than what you are used to its hard. I think as someone earlier stated he would not like it if I were to have me a man on the side outside of him. I think its more he wants his cake and some. Some men are able to handle situations like this with no problem at all and some can't.
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs. Femme,
ReplyDeleteI never judge any situation, I just take the facts presented and make a full meal! The way you have chosen to live your life and conduct your marriage never has to be explained to anyone but the participants that share it. You have said on many occasions that you have "always" been bisexual, which means hubby knew from day one, what to expect. I am sure you two talked about the expansion of your relationship which involves others from the very beginning, right? Let me ask a few basic questions that may help all of us clear the air. When you are involving yourself in your extra curricular activities with another woman in the presence of your husband, is he allowed to participate, fully? See, I think everyone is missing the basic understanding of "extras" in the bedroom. Tell me why on earth the hubby should even be allowed to perform outside of the house unless you are tying his hands and not allowing him to do things that come natural when he is in the presence of others. I know through research, there should always be safe words that mean, "hold up Ke-mo sah-bee" I'm not feeling that action, without disrupting the flow! Next, think about it, even if you were not doing extra stuff with extra people, going outside of the house is considered cheating and is never truly allowed. The fact that the the two of you bring it to the forefront, means little because it is done right, together and through preparation and "pre-planning!" So, my assessment, hubby is dead wrong for seeking affection elsewhere. You are not going outside of the house, neither should he. You guys can continue to live your fantasy driven life in the comfort of your own home. Either of you exploring further outside of your predetermined gates, is disastrous for the sanctity of your partnership. I will come with my closing statement once we move forward with this topic and you answer my questions.
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA
Hello Mr. Anatomy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting my question on your blog and presenting me with feedback from different viewpoints. Yes my husband knew from jump that I was into women. It was the talk of town due to the fact that I was involved in a female relationship before I decided to move. When we participate we both participate. He is free to do whatever with her as long as it is okay with her. I am open to anything as long as we all agree. It is a turn on for me to see him with other women and vice versa.
Mrs. Femme, I have been where you are going. If you can't find a solution, what you will do is make him tell you a lie. He will stop telling what is truly going on and just do him on the side. My husband and I went through this a few years ago. What started out as complete fun and daring adventures got boring for him because he couldn't keep up. He would get frustrated and leave the room as say things like, "Y'all don't need me anymore, I'm gonna go watch TV." That was always with sarcasm and that was a hint for she and I to wrap it up. I hope your relationship doesn't become mine!
ReplyDeleteWhite Chocolate
Mrs. White chocolate
DeleteHow did you and your spouse work thru this issue
Mrs femme
Mrs. Femme, we eventually fought and argued about it until we couldn't take the stress from it anymore. We stopped inviting others in, I did my thing with other couples and he did his own thing until we eventually divorced. I regretted ever participating in that lifestyle, but you have to learn to lay the ground rules from the very beginning and stick to 'em.
DeleteWhite Chocolate
White Chocolate I can see where that can possibly happen. I think a lot has to do with men want the upper hand. I am really honestly thinking of quitting the lifestyle altogether if we can't come to some type of compromise on this.
ReplyDeleteI honestly thought he would b happy to b in this type of marriage. At least I'm not running around with men and I'm trying to do this with him. Maybe he isn't mature enough to handle this type of relationship
ReplyDeleteLooka here lil mommma. you puttin too much time with this. He supoosed ta be happy cause you bringin sum extra stuf to tha house. Shit, you aint givin him a reason to be out of da house. I have da same set up here n Miami wit my ole lady and we got a undastandin that ain't nobody ganna leave here and fuck wit nobody unles we do it togetter. Tel cuz is is foul for steppin out on you. You brangin the sex and excitment to da house.
ReplyDeleteTha Don in Miami
Thanks for the outlook. I knew there were others out there like us.
DeleteI have taken into account everyone's response to my situation and I knew by opening up to others that the feedback wouldn't be easy to read. Everyone has their own views on marriage and how one should live according to the vows that are taken. Let me say that I am glad to be bisexual and able to live a certain lifestyle with my spouse. I would rather share this with him than to be a nice wife at home while my husband is in the streets doing whatever. I have seen too many times people staying in marriages when one spouse is cheating n the other is unhappy for the sake of for better or worse. I think once we get on the same page things will be fine. Bottom line is I would rather we cheat together than alone.
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs. Femme,
ReplyDeleteYou are 100% correct in your thinking and my final assessment is, your husband is wrong for seeking expanded pleasure outside of what you provide in the bedroom. The two of you have all the rules you need in place, but he still seeks pleasure in other places. "While I don't condone cheating, I do recognize that it happens!" With that said, my honest opinion says, what you do or don't do has nothing to do with your husband seeking affection elsewhere, he is just "Tiger Woods" greedy and should face that fact. NO addiction, not deprived, just greedy. For me, that is Okay, just be greedy for what the home life provides. With you, and your chosen lifestyle, that is a lot! Talk to him because communication is key. Don't be afraid to express your opinion about how you feel. Thanks for ordering my book and use it as a guide to open communications to possible links to his past which may be affecting how he views you currently.
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA
Thanks I appreciate your thoughts on this and I can't wait to read your book.
DeletePeople do not like to have the rules of the game changed. Sound likes that is what is happening here. Expectations have changed or simply you may have just outgrown this arrangement
ReplyDelete