Dear Mr. Anatomy,
I am a married mother of two wonderful children. I am in my mid 30's and life seems to have come to a screeching halt. My husband and I are so routine, it's like our life is on a calendar. Don't get me wrong, things are great; nice home, cars, church and all the normal signs of success for an outsider looking in but my life seems boring! I have discussed this fact with my husband regularly, but he tells me to "get over it" I am just having an early mid-life crisis. I am a hotel manager, and my daily duties are just as routine as my home life. There just has to be fun somewhere that makes me feel alive again! My question is for you and your female audience. I have read several of your previous questions and I feel I will get a straight answer here, with No-Fluff. Here it goes .......
"Is an affair ever good to revive a person mentally, physically, or even just to make them feel alive
again?"
Ma'am, what you are feeling is natural, but unlike your husband, I won't go so far as to call it a mid-life crisis in your 30's. However, I will give you my spin on it but not before I allow, as you requested, my bloggers to take a crack at it. I will address you as "Ms. Perplexed" from hence forward. Please remain available for any questions my bloggers may have for you.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
AskMrAnatomy@anatomyofacheater.com (send US your Questions anonymously)
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Are you willing to give up your wonderful life for a moment of passion which could bring you a life time of pain.. I would see if maybe you guys should do some kind of couples therapy or support group. For me the answer is hell no...
ReplyDeleteGo ahead Girl ! Get YO FREAK ON? So You can bring some Excitement in YOUR LIFE? Divorce is Exciting & Alive , You get to MOVEOUT from that nice House to a new Apartment. Start dating all over again. Meet new Men of all Races and Lady's too if You really want to feel alive...Screen through all of them , find You a True ROUGHNECK in Tim's. Take a Few Ass Whippon's Exciting an Alive. Go through the Court systems for Child Support ,cause You don't have Custody of the Kids, cause they are routine You gave that Up. Watch Your Ex bring some other New Woman in Your old House,cause You watching from the Bushes due to the Restraining order. Since your car has been Repo'd ,You are using the Local city Transit now. Ain't nothing routine about the City Bus or Subway it goes down everyday on the Hour. My True Advice is for You to change Your Routine get a Hobby, join a book club, get new friends that enjoy what you like to do. Go outside your regular box ? You and Hubby do some " On a Tank full Trips "together w/or without the Kids. That meansExplore Your area driving no further than a Full gas tank. Last thing play dress up attend Black and White Balls together.Last thing go see or get the Bootlegg Version of Tyler Perry's "TEMPTATION" . Watch it over and over again til You grasp how Wonderful and Blessed YOUR Life is Right now?
ReplyDeleteDONT DO IT!!! try to take the high road and remain true to your husband and the vow you took before God...i mean damn, every freakin body on this planet has probably felt like you do at sum point in time but they dont go out n start f***ing people...if youre soooooo unhappy, all the time, put your big girl panties on and LEAVE!!! cause what you gonna do if he finds out ??? if youre sexually frustrated do what i just did and masterbate...its EASY to cheat, HARD to remain faithful...and put yourself in his shoes, you know damn well if you truly love this man what it would do to you if you found out he was having sex with another woman...youre being SELFISH...i have felt the way you are feeling several times in my life, I get it, I understand but why jepordize your family ? cause if he found out and left you, your kids would end up suffering the after-effects of you infedelity, is that sumthing you can live with? or will you say to yourself "damn i coulda tried harder, i coulda done more"...and to the man you may end up or have already had sex with, SHAME ON HIM (THEM) TOO!!! i feel like theyre very selfish as well cause he has no business coming between a man and his wife, two people that are joined together by God!!! if you and your husband BOTH wanna bring in a third then to me thats different, but even with all the advice in the world, you will still do whatever it is youre honna do...but youre making your problem worse, get a divorce THEN go jump in sumbody elses bed...people take their marriage vows like they dont mean shit now a days, CHEATING IS EASY EASY EASY, THE HARD PART IS REMAINING FAITHFUL, even when times are tough, show yourself and your FAMILY that you are strong...DO THE RIGHT THING, INSTEAD THE EASY THING!!! good luck and if you decide to cheat be prepared for the consequences of your actions
ReplyDeleteone thing i suggest you could do is instead of asking outsiders for help, ask God instead...go to god in prayer with a sincere heart and adk him to open up your husband, ask him to make your husband more receptive to what youre telling him your needs are...ask your girlfriend who prays to pray for you n him too, alotta people laugh god and prayer off, but im here to tell you, it works...cant NOBODY on this status or in this world change your situation but the Man upstairs...i hope you do whats RIGHT , not just for YOU but your family...
ReplyDeleteI would say it is never ok. It will only lead to other problems. It is natural to seek an affair as a distraction. But, I would say try and break the ice in the marriage. An affair is easy in the beginning, but not worth it in the end. It is sooooooo much easier to find false happiness because you are always smiling. Pray over your marriage, then begin to implement new things. Good luck girl, praying for you. Understand your position
ReplyDeleteYou will only do what you want to do in the end...but i say Don't do it ,it may not be a one time affair and some may get hurt in the end, try to add some spice or excitement to your marriage trust it can be done! Also think about how you would feel if your husband was contemplating on cheating ,would you like it No! The grass is not always greener on the other side! Now thats the correct and proper answer but on the real since this is no longer just a thought if you do make sure he is worth it and you are not the only one who stands to lose something . Some people speak the truth from experience some will tell you what they think you want to hear. Has the husband cheated or do you think he is cheating? Best wishes it will work out!
ReplyDeleteyou mentioned your life being routine, both inside the home and out, that you and your husband are SO routine, but you never mention anywhere within the text whether or not the 2 of you are sexually active with each other. If your life is on a calendar do you schedule any sexy time? If there is times that you do have sex, my recommendation is you should make every time unforgettable (for you). this will bring you both back together wanting more and give you something to think about when your not... but to answer your question-- No, an affair is not Ever good to have for any reason. No explanation required. But please believe if you fail at keeping your current relationship exciting, you will fail in the next one too,
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ReplyDeleteI hear what everyone has to say and all you guys speak from the right side of the tracks, but is there a such thing as a successful affair that only happens one time and then goes away? Or, if you go out there and do it, its like people say, ain't no turning back! I have never questioned my husband as to how he does it, but he just seems to throw himself into work, the kids and his friends. Willie, I know you were being sarcastic, but I wouldn't trade most of my life for anything, I am just bored, and it seems like I am withering away. Jennifer, I have a close relationship with my savior, but in the bible, many times, people were tempted and learned a lesson AFTER they broke a rule! Everyone falls short. I want to address what each of you have said cause your advice was really good, but I don't want to bore you guys. Leslie, yes,we have sex, but at times it's like waiting for paint to dry so you can add another coat. We have been doing this so long, I know the ins and outs!I live in a small town outside of a big city, but work in the big city at a major hotel. Sometimes, when I check men and women in, I purposely call the woman, the last name of the man just to see what her reaction will be and 7 times out of 10, it is never the same last name. When they leave and I check inventory on rooms, it looks like they have been redecorating the room! I want that type of passion just once in my slow life, just once. I want a man to know how to do what a real woman wants. Mr. Anatomy, I reading your book. I think you understand what I am saying, because you are nurturing to each woman you encounter, right? Am I wrong for my thoughts? Am I doomed?
ReplyDelete'Perplexed in the Small Town'
Mrs. Perplexed... i have read the comments ( well most that is) but here is my take... if your life is too routined or boring then change it. there are a lot of things you can do to change how you feel about your self. work on brightening yourself then your marriage cause it wont work until you yourself feel the difference/ change. I'm sure there are things that you enjoy doing excerise, go jogging, hell change your hair color and wardrobe (makeovers really do cheer you up)but find a passion, find yourself again... then one night take your husband out to dinner no kids somewhere nice where you can dress sexy (just in case he was not paying attention to your change to life he will at that point) but its not for sex its to get his attention and to give you the chance to open up and maybe he will understand how you feel... Chick an Affair should never be an option to any issue you may have. God has been good to you this far so be good to your self... So stop complaining and live, its not the end of the world so you dont have to stop living... My question is for you to have asked such a question are you already in talks with someone other than your husband? hmmm i hope you choose right Mrs. Perplexed cause as we all learn at some point the Devil is a liar
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Perplexed,
ReplyDeleteLooking at the advice everyone has given you, I think you have your answer 3 times over but something tells me you didn't get the answer you sought; and if that is the case, then your mind and situation has it's own idea as to how to solve your dilemma. What my bloggers are telling you is true, and most seem to speak from a place of familiarity, as do I. A quick roll in the hay for a moment of pleasure has only one ending and no matter how you spin it, it can end in a way that stands to be divisive for your family.
Okay, let's say you find a person who fulfills your desires and needs, it will be like fighting the temptation to go to the refrigerator during a diet, "once you do it, it will call you a second time!" You may get away with it in the short term, but impulses have a tendency to ruin our lives. Okay, let's say you do it the one time, and keep it moving; well, who's to say the person you pick for your romp will have the same idea of anonymity and will play by your rules! On this blog, I always look at all angles, so here is the angle I think you seek; you do it, it's great, and you earn your cheating wings. Now you have a secret that may NEVER rear it's ugly head; You win, Right? Well, from experience, I say that feeling is like robbing the emotional bank, "I got away with it once..... let me do this again when I am feeling neglected again!" Sure, cheating may work, but at the end of the day, is that fake passion worth the salvation you seek within? Probably not because even the BEST cheaters have a conscious!
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA, PHR
askMrAnatomy@anatomyofacheater.com
Ok. Personal story so I hope it helps. A few years ago, I NEVER would've allowed the thought of being intimate with another man in ANY way. I believed in staying married no matter what. SIKE! When I got married, my husband & I agreed (jokingly,I thought) that we'd "take it to the grave" concerning infidelity, if it ever happened. Well, what you don't know won't hurt you unless you get a disease. Fast forward right quick; he screwed a crazy woman & she can't let go, so I am. Long story, but that'll have to wait for another time. Back to the story. Our sex life was fine in the beginning, for all I know. As the years flew by, the pressures of a growing family, bills & other personal issues caused us to become complacent with each other. Of course I thought he was cheating, but he denied it. As I tried to figure out why our sex life was in love's ICU, other stressful issues became more apparent & I urged him to go into counseling with me. He went every time...just to shut me up. The only thing that changed was our issues had gotten worse. After more years of rare & boring sex, I hit what people called my peak. I looked forward to this since I was in my 20's. I naively thought I could jumpstart our relationship & sex life by leaving all the nagging & complaining (main reason he gave for the problems) in the past & embrace my sexuality without any inhibitions. Surely, over time that would turn him on & get him to treat me like a freak in the sheets, right? WRONG! Most of the time I felt like a cheap Kobe Bryant one night stand instead. He got off, but I didn't. I faked it so he'd hurry up. Since I was growing increasingly frustrated, I started nagging & complaining...again! He went back to ignoring me & the door of temptation was open. All I needed was attention & to feel desired, not ignored & taken for granted. Did I cheat? Does it matter? I thought about it & according to my minister mother, the thought of sin is as if you did the deed. No biblical verse, counselor, predictable movie or parental guilting can stop you from feeling or wanting what is natural & needed! I DO NOT condone cheating, emotionally or physically. However, I DO NOT condone neglect, emotionally or physically either. There is a consequence to EVERY action you take, or don't take. By that, I mean if even one party knows there's a problem & doesn't do EVERYTHING in their power & beyond to try & fix it there's going to be a consequence. I hope I'm not being naive, but any marriage can be saved if both parties want it.
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