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Mr. Anatomy,I have a question and for once in my life, I don't feel like other women will judge me. I mean, we all make mistakes, and after reading some of the questions you have had in the past, I feel right at home. 6 months ago, my husband asked me to be a part of a 3-Some with someone from his past that has reappeared in our city after a long absence in the military. It was a lady, and although I was against it initially, I must say, my husband did it the right way. He let us meet, greet, and get to know one another without him and she and I built a friendship before anything ever happened. Then during the Memorial Day weekend, we went off to Key West, FL and sparks started to fly with the 3 of us. However, since we've gotten back to (Not Gonna Say It) she and I have been a lot closer without my husband. We both agreed, he slows us down and tries to dictate the passion. The 2 of us have more involvement and stimulating conversations without him. My question is.....
"Is it cheating when your husband starts the whole 3-some ordeal and put you in a lifestyle like this?"
Ma'am, what has happened to you is the underside of a 3 some request biting back! I have quite a bit to say but I will allow my bloggers to speak first and I will chime in a bit later. From this point forward, I will refer to you as Ms. Secret-Love. Please stay close to the blog just in case my bloggers have questions for you.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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If he doesn't know that you are still hooking up with the 3rd person yes you are cheating
ReplyDeleteuhh really?? you know the answer to this question, you jus want someone to validate what you done already did. you and she have had some mind blowin sex "without " him and you no longer wanna include him! you wanna keep having these conversations and sex with her and you want the ok. well OK! bur know that when he finds out you got hell to pay! he dont want his cookie gettin cookie without him cause he knows once you go cat you keep goin back!
ReplyDeleteMa'am,
ReplyDeleteI typically don't chime in on topics that calls for anything done that is out of the norm for traditional marriages. Yes, your husband opened the door for extra activity in your bedroom. Why he did that is for you and him to decide, however, since that choice was made together, like Monique said, if he does NOT know about it, then it is cheating and dishonest for you and the other lady to carry on in a fashion not signed off on by your husband. I sincerely try to understand this new world we are living in, where a wife would interact with another woman for the pleasure of her husband. I have to stick to what the bible says and teaches us, BUT, to be a First Lady who tries to call all souls to Christ, I have to understand what goes on in areas where I am not. Mr. Anatomy, I stand, I applaud you, and YES, I have read your book. Yes, the First Lady reads. Your book was raw, limitless, and showed the heart of a man who is NOT afraid to bear it all. I read your acknowledgment to Dr. Wolford and I applaud her efforts when she asked that you state your purpose in writing something so riveting. As I read, I prayed and I heard the voice of GOD. I know he has his hands on you, so my young brother, keep writing, keep striving, and keep helping young ladies see the signs of where men don't want them to go, or KNOW. Ladies, we can't stay in the dark. Use this book to shine the light!
First Lady - New Jersey
Yes it is and you have now allowed the biggest sin to enter into your life. It's the trick of the enemy and you have welcomed him into your marriage, home and God please dont let there be any children involved, you fell for it. A marriage it to be treasured like the most precious jewel, you are to protect it, treasure it for dear life. The devil is turning people out like never before with sexual sins.
ReplyDeleteGo watch this movie call "sex monster". This is what happen in the movie. Have fun girl!!
ReplyDeleteYou know this is cheating. You took the coward way out. You all sat down discussed the arrangements initially, you all should have sat down AGAIN and discussed the changes. When we act as adults we should conduct ourselves as adults. Stop living a lie, adults shouldnt lie about our choices, you are an ADULT.
ReplyDeleteMy fellow Ladies,
ReplyDeleteI have read each of your responses, but what you all fail to realize, this was not my choice or my life. My husband laid this in my lap! I was against this from the beginning, but this lady and I have found a unique connection. I am NOT gay, or looking to do this long term, this is something that just happened. I was hoping that Women, would understand how this whole thing transpired and has manifested itself in my life. This lady is like me, a woman who loves to just be a woman. We have already talked about this, and how it could not go too long but, when we interact with my husband, he limits what we can do with one another. I have thought many times about just telling him the truth, but each time we meet, I tell myself, this is the last time. The other lady and I are really trying to be friends, and do normal stuff but after going to the mall, and trying on the outfits at her house, things just happen. I feel like I am not in control of me anymore! Mr. Anatomy, I am reading your book, and I see you have been in some awkward situations too. I anxiously await your insight.
He asked for it, he got it! Lol
ReplyDeleteWell you could always try your new outfits on at the mall or how about at your own home. He brought it to you but you made the decision to KEEP it!!
ReplyDeleteAuthor Hurchel Williams ..... we all LOVE THE BOOK but come on now we need the blog for the time we're at work or other places that we can't read the book!!!!!! However; I for one will always wait patiently for the blog! !!!! Happy Saturday
Ma'ma
ReplyDeleteI myself have had the the samething happen to me. But at the same time I wanted it to happen it was placed in my lap and I went for it. You did the same thing because if you wasn't curious about being with another woman it wouldn't have happen. And now that it has happen and you liked it you now need some insite. Why should it matter what people think or what people will say? You need no one validation to do what makes you happy. You should tell your husband how you feel about what is now taking place in your life. Me and mine still have threesome together and I also do my thing without him. Mine is secure in his place and don't mind as long as I'm not with a man. If your husband is sucure in his place he will understand how you feel and what you are going though. You didn't ask for this he put it in your lap. Do you but at the same time you will have to inclued him some times. That way you and her can still enjoy one another. Hell inclued him all the time make him feel like it's about him when it's really about you and her. Again if you didn't want it, it wouldn't have happen.
Dear Ms. Secret-Love,
ReplyDeleteMany different emotions and thoughts are being exhibited with what you are involved in. YES, I agree, your husband got EXACTLY what he deserved when he brought this lifestyle to you BUT, you are still his wife and it seems to me he was trying to ignite some additional passion and excitement in the bedroom. Like I always say at my lectures, You have to be careful with what you bring home, because sometimes when you bring it in, it's hard to make it go away! In your case, you are probably dealing with some feelings of sisterhood fulfillment with another female. You know like I do, there is nothing better than having a friend who meets your needs, becomes your sole mate, and understand what you feel on a day in and day out basis, unfortunately, you are doing this in the shadows hidden deeply and far away from the comfort of what your husband tried to create. There is a movie series out, Pandora's Box that produced 3 movies. You should seriously sit your husband down and watch these if you haven't. They walk you through the ups and downs of what could happen when you invite others in. My advice, if you want to continue seeing the young lady, please tell your husband. While I don't condone cheating, I do recognize that it happens, and in your case, you shouldn't have to cheat, he brought it to you! He may even let you guys continue to see each other, just do it in the right way. Also, I encourage you to ask your "Friend" the other lady, to give us her point of view as well. We're waiting!
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA
Thats What he gets 4 trying 2 b selfish!!!! No, its not cheating , its a (h0t) mess..... When a guy ask me something like that, i have "always" posed the same question 2 him 1st, 2 c How he responds...."Exactly"....i tell people all the time, "if u dont stand 4 something, u will fall 4 anything.
ReplyDeleteBased upon your response, this isn’t about your husband or the other woman the underlying issue is YOU. Somewhere in your life you have laid down in your spirit and just handled control of your mind and body to whoever may be in the closest proximity to you. This is not good you need to ask yourself why it is so easy for you to be so passive in your life. Is it easier to hide behind blaming the husband for bringing it to you rather than acknowledge the existence of your being attracted to a lifestyle that is contrary to what you have been raised to deem as the norm? Being different is difficult. If you are lesbian or enjoy the activities of a lesbian lifestyle admit that to yourself first and deal with that within yourself. Your sexual identity is an issue here. You may just not enjoy men, especially selfish controlling men such as your husband.
ReplyDeletePardon me do asking...but SS he explain the need of having a 3rd party in the marriage and the bedroom? To me, that signals he wants more excitement and he definitely should be excited with just you in his presence. I would start there, while also telling him the truth. Seems like there are 2 key issues needing to be addresses here
ReplyDeleteI was not sure I could comment on this blog because this is an experience that I have not had. I have often been approached and asked to have a 3some of different varieties but I always chose not to. For various reasons....mostly because (call me greedy) but Idon't share. but at the end of the day it was my choice... So Ms. Secret-Love, while he did bring this too you, it was still your choice to go ahead with it. It was a mutual aggreement. You going behind his back is not mutual and Yes it is cheating. If you desired to get with this woman to experience her without the interference of you husband dictating the way you experience her, that is something you should take up with him. I could be wrong but it sounds like there are some control issues in the bedroom. maybe you need to lay the law down in the bedroom some of the time. put it on him and you take control and maybe you wont feel you need to BOND more with this lady outside of you and your husbands bedroom. once you are both completely involved in the decision process then it is no longer cheating but what you have going on now is Cheating...
ReplyDeleteOkay, I have sat back and let you all grill my girl until I am forced to say something. My name is 'Meka and her husband and I were old high school boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, when I came back to town, I hit him up because he use to be my rock. Well, he told me he was married and I respected that, but, he asked me if I had ever been in a Ménage à trois and I told him yes. The 3 of us sat down, discussed this and then, she and I were aloud the opportunity to spend some "getting to know" each other time together. She is now a really good friend and hang out partner. I didn't feel being with her husband all the time was something we should continue because of someone catching feelings so we reserve the right to do that maybe once or twice a year. But y'all are ruthless with my girl; Damn. We aren't lesbians, or anything like that, we are just enjoying the moment with one another as friends. She is holding her name back, but me, on the other hand, I am not afraid to tell exactly who I am. We are really good friends and her husband started this and since I am in between boyfriends, this was a good way to let a little stress out. Simone, yes, it may should have been thought through some more, but this is 2012 and I am sure many of you have wanted to be closer to your friend, whether you admit it or no! Dea, neither of us are lesbians, we are ladies first. Vkytoria, he wanted to spice up the bedroom and be with me without being a cheater. He is a good guy, and I am sure if we told him, he could really care less because he cares about both of us. I just couldn't let you guys continue to attack her this way. Slow ya roll, and look in the mirror at yourself before you point fingers. I know she opened herself up for this, but I am just telling you from my perspective. Leslie, it might be cheating, but it ain't like we doing it all the time.
ReplyDelete'Meka from Atl 2012
Meka,
ReplyDeleteI am in ATL too, but I really want you to read something so you will understand what you are up against. I am a Gay Man, and it took me a while to realize that and even longer to tell others. I was the topic on this blog (Feb 20, 2012, Am I Gay or Am I Confused) and the fine people here helped me realize a lot about ME. 'Meka, you sound pretty dominant and Ms. Secret-Love sounds like 2 people are pulling her and making her a puppet. Even here, you came to her rescue. Reading what you wrote makes me see that you may like being with women and Ms. Secret-Love is just a follower. Everyone here are women, other than Mr. Anatomy and women know the hearts of other women. I truly don't think I was gay when I first ventured out, but I did things that my friend wanted me to do. I was vulnerable and BAM, I am now in a full fledged gay relationship. Sometimes when I'm alone, I think about my old life of having my wife and kids, but I now feel like a disgrace and would never return to my church, old town, or my family. Don't become me, stand up, be honest about everything and YES, y'all are cheating!! Go back and read my story!
Matthew ATL (too)
Pandoras box should never b opened!!!! It only complicates things.....n the box u find that any thing goes, there r no rules!!! Dont get it twisted & dont try 2 twist it... it is What it is! There r no morals n the box...With all due respect, if u have sex with the same sex that is What that is, dont try 2 sugar coat it:-)...if u choose the box, know Where u r! Love u:-)
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have responded to the question if I knew it would open fire. This is a blog, an open forum of sorts. I am not judging. I asked a simple question that I wanted the person who posed the question to answer. It's okay to defend a friend but we would not have had the opportunity to discuss this if it wasn't shared with the group. Again I say, I'm concerned because this young lady has some deeper concerns I want her to look into like how did this all come about in the first place? Regardless of her findings, I wish her the best! I will continue to answer any questions in this group per Hurchel's request. Being that I don't know the individuals, I can give an unbiased opinion.
ReplyDeleteI never meant for 'Meka for defend me, I did ask the question because I didn't feel like it was cheating because my husband started all of this. 'Meka, you have been very understanding and helpful because you are the more experienced one here. Simone, Dea, Leslie, Vyktoria, Monique and Babegurl, I so appreciate your comments. I have never been with a woman, and Mr. Anatomy, you said it best, I enjoy being in a sisterhood and friendship with 'Meka but I can stop at anytime and tell my husband because this was his idea. I respect the fact that 'Meka didn't want to keep doing my husband because she's right, feelings might have gotten involved. I reached out to this blog to see if anyone had ever been through anything like this. Other than Babegurl, No one has, or has the heart to expose themselves the way I have. I appreciate all that you have discussed and you have given me a lot to think about. Has ANYONE HERE, ever been in a secret 3-some and can relate? It's too late to try to close Pandora's box, it is wide OPEN!
ReplyDeleteMrs. Secret-Love!
Ms. Secret-love, whether anyone comes forward with admitting a 3-some... (I definitely would If I had one-no shame to my game) many of us have cheated or been cheated on. regardless of the dynamics of this relationship the question was and still is "is it cheating?" we can have our opinion on the matter all day and we(the bloggers) don't all agree. But the only persons who really needs to answer this question is You and your husband together. You two dictate whether you think in your relationship/marriage it is cheating or not. Go to him and ask him what he thinks about you having relations with another with out him or his knowlege (whether he invited this person in your life or not). I hope this blog has brought you some clarity
ReplyDeleteIts never 2 late 2 close the box, i prefer 2 get straight 2 the point bcause this txtn takes 2 long....however, i am 41yrs young, i have defenitely come across some boxes, but here is the thing, they r just boxes, u mess up When u try 2 figure things out n there, also u cannot make wrong , right! Ok u tried something its not the end of the world, close the box & repent....everything that looks & feels good, is not good 4 u...9x out 10 u will wish u did close the box now Than later...(sin only feels good 4 a season)ijs ..
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, forgot to add I never pass judgment Meka on anyone because I dont have a heaven or hell to send you to. I believe that every man or women has to work out their own salvation that is between you and whatever God you worship. I do deal in cold hard facts it makes things less complicated.
ReplyDeleteDea I think the closest they will ever except in naming their sexual orientation is bi curious. lesbians don't like men. I would call them Bi-sexual. and if they decide to just be with a man only later the prebi-sexual. but munching is munching either way. And I am not judging either. I have many gay friends and some bi. I respect their decision to be with who they want and they respect mine. but still a homosexual act is still that.
ReplyDeleteTo all of y'all. If it were me, I wouldn't have asked any of you anything. I don't think what we are doing is cheating, and I don't need anyone's approval or disapproval. The Lesbian, bi-sexual, bi-curious, gay, etc. means nothing to me. I know exactly what I am and what I'm doing. Dea, you seem to know a lot about licking and playing down below the belt, got some experience do ya? Yes, we are two women hooking up but we are friends and just like we started, we can stop! I love men but we share something special. Simone, we can close the box and tomorrow, after church, we will talk to her husband and get his approval. I truly didn't think it was that big of a deal since he introduced us but since she brought it hear to the blog, then apparently she's feeling guilty. Where the men at on this blog, I am sure they would see things a bit different. Everyone here is acting brand new, I was in the Army, and we experiment when abroad! Matthew, I read your segment on here, and brother, you Gay, ain't no two ways about it, but even with you, if I saw you in the street, I would just see a man, not a Gay Man!
ReplyDelete'Meka from ATL 2012
Meka, no I don’t have any experience of “licking below the belt” on a woman that is not my sexual preference. However, I do have some very dear friends that are Lesbian whom I have had plenty of talks about the dynamics of being gay in the black community.
ReplyDeleteThe only reason anyone on this blog has addressed the subject matter of gay/lesbian is because the subject matter was regarding a threesome that morphed into lesbian sex. Meka, you seem to be awfully defensive about something that you say you are fine with. Sometimes we can create a hurricane around ourselves regarding the personal choices that we have made in your lives and can inadvertedly close our ears to any advice that may help to make our adjustments a little better into that lifestyle. I sincerely wish you and your lady friend luck in the personal decision that you all have made individually and as a lesbian couple. Most of all I hope that you Meka, take a pause and look at your role in confusing this woman further. You and her husband seem to be domineering over her. She just traded the male version of her husband with a female. You stated that you were fine but you did not know why she had to hear from the blog. That statement right there should give you pause. Pause a moment and think about is she making her own choices as a grown ass woman, or going along with whatever voice is the most stern in her ear at the time. Sometimes children parade around in the shapes and sizes of full grown adults.
Meka don't put that on the army...I am military and been abroad 6 times and have never experiemented with the same sex. I have work along side many females from all services and civilian who don't mind talking openely about their sexuality. some have experimented and some have not. but being in the army is not why you experiemented. if I were ever interested in a female or females for that matter I may have experimented as well. I am not knocking anyone who interested in the same sex, only I am not. and I am not confused about it. I like men, just men, but not any man, I am very particular. you say you are not into women, but you are into this woman. so titles mean nothing to you. but it is what it is whether you choose to acknoledge it or not. I feel you on the fact you wouldn't have started a blog about this. There are a good many things I enjoy doing with a man most would shake their heads to, but I don't need confirmation from anyone about it, so I would never ask a blog to help me figure it out cause I'm already there, I like what I like. But Ms. Secret Love did ask. and you did respond. I wouldn't call what you shared special if you can end it tomorrow... maybe call it exciting but not special. its good ms. secret love is going to talk to her husband but it should be a private conversation between husband and wife. yes they brought you into their bed but you are still an outsider when it comes to their marriage.
ReplyDelete*Referee steps in* : I'm bored. New topic! Lol
ReplyDeleteOkay ref. just one more question for Meka....Meka, are you still having sex with Ms. Secret-Love's husband without her?
ReplyDeleteOh Wow, Leslie!!! Inquiring minds wanna know!!! Lol
ReplyDeletedrum roll...
ReplyDeleteTo all y'all hating on me. We are all here right now, and we are having the conversation that the blog suggested we have. We all went to church together and now we are back at their house. So we will close this discussion out now, or take questions from all of y'all haters!!!! :) J/K Anyway, first Dea, I wasn't dominating anyone, everything that happened was of her own free will and you insist on giving what we did a title of some sort. I am not a lesbian, I am just having a good time. I did a friend a favor which was my man years ago. Now he is her man and I respect that. Leslie, I ain't putting nothing on the Army, but you know like I do, sometimes we get bored in the field, or when we are overseas with liquor that shit has a tendency to happen, not lies, just fact. I am sure you have been in a situation or two. And, NO, I am NOT sleeping with my friend's man without permission or unless she is right here with us. This is not my fight, I just came on to help my sister out because I felt like she came on for advice and y'all were kinda harsh, and since she don't get down and dirty, I have the mouthpiece to set y'all off and push ya back. Mr. Anatomy, I like your blog, so I'm gonna have to get that book, cause if it's anything like this, you doing ya damn thang! I ain't trying to make enemies, I am just here to state fact. Matthew, I can appreciate how you life your life, but Bro, I'm not you and I haven't decided to go the whole way to the other side. I can step back at anytime! Last, but not least, Vyktoria Newman.... if you bored, ya might wanna get like me, instead of antagonizing my life style. Find you a sista to kick it with and I promise sparks will fly. I'm Out....Thanks my fellow females!
ReplyDelete'Meka from ATL 2012
If your husband is unaware of your relationship w this other person, then plain and simple... Yup you're cheating. #theend
ReplyDeleteI truly thank everyone for their opinion. I did bring the question forward and 'Meka was just trying to defend me because she thought I was being attacked. My husband is sitting here and in just a moment, he will give his interpretation of what he thinks of what he has done. He says he was a bit disappointed finding out 'Meka and I were still seeing each other, but....well, I will let him explain his view once he finishes reading all of the blog feedback. Mr. Anatomy, I am on your site now ordering a copy of your book. Will you please sign it "Mrs. Secret-Love" so I never forget this blog. These ladies are truly the friend opinion- with no chaser. You have something major here. I'm a fan now and anxiously await the next topic. If you don't mind, I just sent you a friend request on FB too. OK, I'll admit, I was feeling a bit guilty because my husband has always been good to me, but I guess deep inside I was selfish because I didn't like watching him being with 'Meka just as he shares with me. Well, we've talked about it, so I will now pass the conversation on to my husband and let him give you his male opinion. Mr. Anatomy, all our friends down here in Stone Mountain is reading your blog.....my husband says he is not ashamed of what he does in his bedroom so I called a few people so they can understand what goes on when you invite someone else in. There are definitely consequences!
ReplyDeleteCynthia P. Atl AKA Mrs. Secret-Love :) LOL
Meka, seriously! Lol. You apparently can't handle this blog or your situation at all. Again if you can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen! I'm not antagonizing your life nor do I recall making any "shots" at you. Maybe you shouldn't read the blog if everything is so touchy. P.S. I make sparks fly without a 3rd party and without a female. But I guarantee you your friend is taking into consideration all that we've shared with her. As I mentioned earlier, I wish her the best in what she decides to do. It's Sunday so I am giving the cut version of how I feel.
ReplyDeleteCynthia, thanks for your response. I'm a woman about mine. You trusted us enough to give you our feedback and we did. I'm a straight forward person and I've always been that way. Hopefully something positive was gained from this. I'm glad that you followed your heart and addressed the situation with him. God bless!
ReplyDeleteI never meant to make anyone uncomfortable with my request of my wife. To be honest, I was selfish because 'Meka and I had a lot of history and I tried to be on the up and up and spend some time with her in the right way. I am so grateful for what my wife allowed me to bring to our bedroom, but never did I think they were tippin behind my back. I am not upset because I brought this on, but I am disappointed because I felt like I had this under control. The 3 of us have had a deep conversation and we have agreed, if they are continue to see each other, I would just need to know. If dealing with me makes them uncomfortable, then we don't have to continue sharing the bedroom, but they can keep seeing each other with me or without me. All this is my fault and I accept the responsibility of how this came about. I even explained to my wife, the whole reason this came about. 'Meka wanted a baby and didn't have anyone in her life to give it to her. I thought if the 3 of us could be close, maybe I could father a child with 'Meka and Cynthia be OK with it! I would have never thought any of this was wrong until she brought this question to this blog. We as men can have a twisted thought process where reality and fantasy walk together closely. Mr. Anatomy, thank you for accepting our question out of the many you probably receive because to us, this was very important. Maybe I can be the next topic and ask Mr. A if what I wanted to do with 'Meka has ever been done by a husband, a wife, and a friend. We are all pretty close now.
ReplyDeletePaul P in Atlanta, GA