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Dear Mr. Anatomy,
From the outside looking in my life appears to be desirable. I have a husband,
young child, whom I stay home with, a house, I'm a student and I also run my own
small business. The problem is my marriage. We have been married for 4 years,
together for 6, BUT the last time we had sex or any physical contact was on our
wedding night when we conceived our child! Everything has fallen apart and now
we can rarely hold a conversation without a fight. There has been another man whom I've dated, but due to busy schedules and sheer distance we
mainly talk via phone and email. I haven't seen the other man in months. I'm
questioning my marriage, I have gone to see an attorney but have not filed for
divorce;Mainly because I'm scared to share my daughter and I have almost
nothing because my husband is the main source of income in our house. My
husband does not know about the other man but I feel like if I want my marriage
to work then I can't lie. But if I tell him he will leave me immediately because
he has made that very clear. I don't want the whole world knowing there was
someone else but he would tell everyone including my parents. My Question is .......
"What do I do; do I tell my husband about the other man or not? That is not the reason my marriage is horrible."
In life, nothing ever works out the way we plan. I will attempt to help you through your dilemma but not before my bloggers give you their insight. From hence forward, I will address you as Ms. "Sexless". Please remain available for any questions my bloggers may have. Your ride starts NOW........!
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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How about get help to work on the sex issue?
ReplyDeletewhat is it about the other man that attracts you. are you not finding that same thing in your own husband. if you tell him be prepared for the outcome.
ReplyDeleteI would not even talk about the man. I would express how you feel about the lack of sex jumping from one man to the next will solve nothing get your self together first
ReplyDeleteWe have attemped counciling numerous times with no success. I asked recently to go and was told it was stupid. The other man was not like anyone I had met before, 100% supportive, encouraging, driven, successful, and attractive. He puts me on a pedestal, something my husband does not do or has ever done.
ReplyDeleteIt seems you already have your mind made up get the divorce and move on with your life. Only person you can change is you
ReplyDeleteYour husband has not gotten any sex from you since your wedding night 4 years ago????? Hmm...Let me make that a statement, Your husband has not gotten any sex from YOU since your wedding night. Unless "it" wont come up anymore, or has fallen off, he's getting it from somewhere. WHERE or WHO is what you should be questioning. To me, the only reason HE may be there is because of your daughter. I'll get my head out my school book and starting watching his checkbook. Hold out from telling him anything, sounds like he may have few secrets himself. Aint no married man going that long without some booty!!
ReplyDeleteMs. Sexless,
ReplyDeleteLet me get this straight, You have NOT had sex with your husband since your wedding night when you conceived a child? How have you avoided talking about the big White Elephant in the room all these years. I mean, don't you get out of the shower naked? Don't you ever have a desire to be held close to him naked, don't your body tell you there is seriously something wrong with a man NOT touching his wife? Do you talk about it? I have one conclusion to draw, he has to have another female interest or he likes MEN. And don't get me wrong, if that is what it is, that is fine, but it is NOT natural for a man not to touch his wife. Does your body have desires for him? I know I have a lot of questions, but I am like Jacklyn, tell him for what? If he is a real man, or a man of any sort, he already knows somebody, man or woman, is touching your body if he refuses to. Will you please help us understand how the subject of sex has been so avoided in your life for the last 5 years or so. I am majorly confused. Mr. Anatomy, if you settle this one, you are truly the Hottest Blog on the Planet. I am so waiting for this one.
White Chocolate in Montana
To answer some of your questions. There has been no sex, no touching, nothing since our wedding night. After a high risk pregnancy and complicated birth of our child, I had very serious postpartum depression. At first I was terrified to have sex, in fear of getting pregnant again. I attempted to talk about sex, but never got anywhere, it is something he can not talk about for some reason. When I say he doesn't talk about it, he really doesn't, he can't even tell me what he likes. I asked for it and was told no, tried to initiate it and nothing. He doesn't even look at me if I walk around the house naked. After being rejected I quit trying. I do not have any desire for him anymore and it makes me feel beyond horrible. I think there is something very wrong with a man not touching his wife.
ReplyDeleteNo,, don't tell him, but evaluate your marriage. It sounds like you are being held hostage in your marriage. A mess. Go and talk to someone. It sounds like the fear of having another baby is preventing you from being intimate. The other man is your way of not dealing with reality b.k.a a distraction.
ReplyDeleteGirl, that man has a another woman. He probably doesnt want to leave because he knows his income is primary and he's going to be paying out the tail in alimony and child support. I undestand your depression after the baby (4yrs ago) but it sounds like its long gone and you want it (sex) but HE doesnt. In his head, he may feel like he's cheating on the mistress sleeping with you. Maybe you need to find out what else he has going on. I dont feel like you should "step out" (cheat) until its agreed between the two of you that its completely over though. Trust me, there are women who will have a "normal" relationship with a married man knowing he's only there because of the money and kids. As long as he gives to them, they're cool.
ReplyDeletesexless go to your husband (in name only) and ask him if he is open to the idea of an open marriage, if he still chooses not to talk to you about it, let him know he doesn't need to talk just listen, tell him if the 2 of you can't come together as husband and wife on a regular basis you want a divorce on the grounds of him refusing(not unable) to fulfill his husbandly duties. See if he is willing to talk then, if not pursue your options. Concerned about sharing your child? Well you are doing it now.....I don't get your concern there. And get a job (if your small business doesn't provide enough), hell you have time to date, you have time to show proof that you are able to support your child.
ReplyDeleteDear Sexless....... RUN, and run fast!! You don't owe him an explanation. I have been following this blog for a very long time, and when I see something that reminds me of some things I denied when I was married, I always chime in. Oh, let me introduce myself, "Hi, My name is Matthew, and I'm Gay!" and in the beginning, I denied that truth to myself but when a man is completely denying sex to the one person he is supposed to be giving it to by law, obligation, and marriage, you can best believe he is GAY! There is nothing wrong with it except, you are the one suffering and losing all of your good years behind a man that owes you an explanation. He needs to release you and you don't owe him Shit. (excuse my language)Sexless, go find your life, and the life for your daughter. You have to share your child, but you don't have to be antagonized by his blatant refusal to make you feel like a woman. Don't feel guilty for that one extramarital affair, hell, you deserve more than that. I am just shocked you didn't have more. So, let's count..... in the last few years, or since you got married, how many times have you had sex?
ReplyDeleteMatthew in Atlanta, GA
Thank you Matthew!!!!! Finally its revealed!!
ReplyDelete@Matthew, since my wedding night, when I last had sex with my husband, I have had sex 1 other time. I have thought about the lack of sex so much that I don't care where he is getting IT from, female or male as long as he is getting it because to me this is unheard of. I know getting a truth from him wouldn't happen, there have been small instances of questioning something that I have black and white proof to and still can not get the correct response.
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Sexless,
ReplyDeleteSomething has to give!!! Do I feel you should tell your husband about your "kinda" affair, a resounding NO! However, if you are not happy with your current situation, then you have to do something to change it. Have you heard the saying, "If you always do, what you've always done, you will always have what you've always had?" Well, in your case, this saying is 100% true. You have to find the love in yourself to be different, and do something NOT expected. Cheating will just bandaid the issue for a short time with deep breathing and physical attention, but your long range plan must be more detailed. I understand what you mean about sharing your daughter, but you don't want to reach a rightful older age, and wonder what happened to your life under these conditions. It's Obvious the ship has sailed in this relationship, but before pulling up the anchor, try to find a common ground, if not for you and your husband, at least for your daughter's sake. I always tell people to look deeply into yourself, and try to find that magic you first saw in the person you married before walking out on years of sacrifice, commitment, and love for the little bit of anger that may have you at odds. Recap, Don't tell, work on marriage, and if that doesn't work, salvage at least a friendship for the sake of the child.
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA, PHR
AskMrAnatomy@anatomyofacheater.com