To Comment on today's Question,
Simply click on the word "Comments" below next to the number of comments and
then, type in the white box!
Mr. Anatomy, I have been dating the same guy for almost a year but have known him much longer. I am a single mother of 2 daughters from a previous relationship. My boyfriend spends all of his freetime from work with me and spends the night with me as well. When I asked for more of a commitment, he backs away and says "he cannot commit; he's not ready!" On Valentines Day, I found text messages between he and a co-worker that were completely inappropriate. When I questioned these text, he appologized and assured me it was just innocent texting and it would stop immediately! However, since that episode, things have been different and this past weekend, he said "I need a break!" Those words have devistated me and he has not removed any of his things from my place. Mr. Anatomy, "HELP," I'm 25 years old and he's 22. I know I might be young, but I am a very responsible adult. My Question is.......
"What does his words mean? Is this relationship over, or does "I need a break" mean more than what is said?
From this point forward, I will referr to you as "Ms. 25." I have my ideas of your relationship, but before I chime in, I will allow my dedicated bloggers to offer their advice based on your situation. The only commitment I need from you, as I do from all of my question-ees is this; please respond in a timely manner to any question they pose. Happy Blogging!! Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com (send US your Questions anonymously)
www.cafepress.com/anatomyofacheater (purchase OUR merchandise)www.anatomyofacheater.com (visit OUR website) http://twitter.com/anatomyofacheat (follow US on Twitter) https://www.facebook.com/anatomyofacheater71 (like US on Facebook)
You are young not dumb. Everyone plays a fool sometime just life. He has been cheating all alone Move on someone else will come along. Next time dont provide so much before commitment.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, I should not have given so much of myself before getting a real committment. What can I say when I fall in love I fall hard. :/
DeleteMS 25
Needing a break means he wants all the benefits of a relationship without being committed. I imagine he thinks he can still come and go as he pleases and doesn't want any questions of where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. My challenge to u, don't give him those "benefits" unless he will committ
ReplyDeleteThe ride is definitely over.....there r no breaks, either u r n or out.....what he said is absolutely what he meant....don't confuse yourself, not 2 mention he is only 22.....
ReplyDeleteI guess the reason I am so confused and feeling like he is just wanting a break is because he has not come to get his things from my house, I mean why? If it is over then he should come get his stuff and give me my key back and let me move on with my life.
DeleteAlso, he is still texing her that he wants her to have a good day, etc. Why?
DeleteDITTO TO ALL THE LADIES ^^^^^And please don't think you can "change " him"!!!! Ask any of us and we can tell you IT AINT GON HAPPEN!!!!! MOVE ON DONT WASTE NO MO TIME ON HIM LET HIM BE SOMEBODY ELSES PROBLEM!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's time to move he is 22 and your 25 with 2 kids most men that age are not ready to settle down and be commited in a relationship if have already seen the early signs of him cheating...let go and move on
ReplyDeleteMona I wish we had a forum like this when we were 20 something!!! I would be in a different place mentally and socially and probably celebrating my 15 year wedding anniversary!!! Lol lol
ReplyDeleteJust pick yourself back up and use the mistakes that you made with him a guideline for what NOT to do in your future relationship. Life does not come with instructions we are all living through trial and error. Win some loose some just thank the Lord that you lost this loser before he had tied you down with children and a relationship/marriage full of infidelity and empty promises.
ReplyDeleteDear MS 25,
ReplyDeletePack up his stuff! Contact him and tell him to come get it or you will take it all to Good Will or the Salvation Army. Once that is over begin to use this time to find you. Find out your likes and dislikes as well as what you would like in a mate. Figure out what you will accept and not accept in a relationship. Get rid of your insecurities. You are 25 years old with a full life ahead of you with a great opportunity at this point to become who God created you to be. Once you have discovered who you truly are you will know when the right one does come along and will be prepared for a rewarding relationship. Plus you shouldn't be susceptible to making the same mistakes you did in your past relationships.
"Let" u move on w/your life......never give any 1 that much power over u..He will never "let" u...that's something u r go n 2 decide 2 do on your own. He wants 2 come & go as he pleases, he is 22!!!!!! Listen,listen, listen, he has told u & this 4rum has 2...it may hurt (cry) move on!!!
ReplyDelete@ Sherita, that's why we went through......2 help others not waste so much time...:-)
ReplyDeleteDon't let any one man steal what you have to share. You have 2 children and they need your commitment and not for you to be broken waiting for him to do what's right. At 22, he don't know what he's doing anyway! You are probably way ahead of him because you are a single mom, and we are STRONG! I didn't follow what I wanted for years because of what my ex thought and my neighbors whispered about. NOW, I am dating what I want, a man of color. It's raining men, chocolate ones! (lol) Do something different to get a better result!
ReplyDeleteWhite Chocolate
Put his stuff in boxes, put ad in paper stating he had 30 days to retrieve them, change yo locks and STOP HOPIN HE COMIN BACK!!! I CAN HEAR IT IN YO VOICE!! AND I AINT TALKIN TO YOU!! texting you is his way of keeping yo dangling on so he can come back for sex or a place to lay his head when the girl he with get tired of his games. LISTEN TO US and stop making excuses for him. If you just wanna be a fool then go head and let him control how you want to be treated! We trying to help you get out before you mess around and get a baby wit this fool and you be single wit 3 kids!! You deserve wat you want which is commitment. You teach people how to treat you.
ReplyDeleteJust let him know if he wants a break then he needs to come get his stuff..and give u back your key so you can move on
ReplyDeleteYou know what, you got to treat him like he treating you. Take his privileges away. I think I'm the first man responding and I can speak to what the 22 year old is doing. He is keeping you on that leash. If you try to put him or his things out, he'll just show back up long enough for you to fall back on his ANATOMY! (Sorry Mr. Anatomy, I couldn't resist) As soon as he get's you back in the bed, your rationale is changed. Boys make decisions in bed, Men make decisions with a different head! Seriously, all that I love you between pumps and humps is just for show. Well, tell him to show you something different or you will show him the door!
ReplyDeleteDr. M. Kelly - Colorado Springs
Come get his stuff????? I would "let" him know the garbage man run on Tues & Thursday.....lol change my locks & keep it moving....we have nothing else 2 talk about.
ReplyDeleteHahahaaaa sho ya right Mona!!!! Jus didn't want her to be on judge judy!!!!
ReplyDeleteThings are different now, this is a new day and age. You have to understand how life works. At 25 with 2 kids, you are way ahead of him and what he sees as important. I have never liked when men say, "let's take a break!" What the hell does that mean? Either you want me or you don't. Leave him alone and have no contact with him. Even if he want's to come back, tell him your heart is closed to games. Get a support group and find an older man. Older men are more into taking your life and making it better, not pulling you down! A young boy likes all the things that are flashy and glitters at the fair, an older man buys the damn fair! Ms. Erma - New York
ReplyDeleteOh Ms. Erma, you put a smile on my face! Thank you :)
DeleteMs. 25
I appreciate all of your comments and it is very clear what I need to do for me and my girls. I understand that he is 22 but my kids didnt just pop up, he has known since the beginning that I wanted a commitment, that this was not just a game for me. I guess I just need to accept that he is a good guy but just not the guy for me. Letting go of someone you love is such a difficult thing to do. :(
ReplyDeleteMs. 25
Preach Ms. Erma!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am sure we all have been n this position b4, that's why we r here 4 u..it is not easy @ all!!!! What's understood need not 2 b said. Most women do want commitments, we were built that way, its a matter of waiting 4 someone who is ready. While you r waiting "try" 2 njoy yourself on the journey....sometimes it takes longer than we expect but this is your life, it is what u make it.....
ReplyDeleteGreetings Everyone and Ms 25.
ReplyDeleteMs 25
You are expressing a desire to be in a committed relationship with a young man who is barely removed from his teen years. The only commitment he has is satisfying his penis. When I was his age I
in a combat zone in the middle east. I was propelled into manhood at 18 when I joined the Marines. He is discovering life like an infant walking for the first time. They are excited about their new abilities and
want to touch everything. This young man is no different. He has gained autonomy and feeling
himself. By the time he is your age he will be
thinking of a relationship but no commitment. You
enabled his behavior by allowing him to shack up
with you without a commitment. Since he is enjoying
your goodies without one and in his mind why?
should
he commit when he is already having sex with you?
He is not the same person you knew of despite him
knowing your situation. You had to grow up quick
yourself after the first child was born. So for you to
ask for a commitment based upon your on life is unfair in a sense to him. It will take him awhile to
understand commitment. So cut him loose. You
won't die from it. Personally I wish I lived his life but
I joined the service. He will mature at some point
but not now because he is experiencing the culture
of recreational sex. Don't continue to be a notch on
his penis. You are a woman with responsibilities and
need a mature minded man to give you the family
life that you want. Truthfully at the end if the day the
response to the feel of a hard penis and wet vagina
will only be "it was good". Stop playing emotional
volleyball with him and gather yourself. Remember
you are single mother and prone to the player types
as easy prey for sex. Protect yourself and those
girls. Yes please change those locks cause he
already made a spare key. Pack up his things and
sir them outside and dont answer the door or calls.
Don't allow him to use your feelings against you to
continue having sex with you. He doesn't respect
you or your kids so move on and cut your loses
before he start using you for money and
convenience. There are plenty of lovers out there
but only a few men who can give the family
dynamics that you seek. You will be fine and stronger
from this because of your youth. These women on this blog have PhD's in life experiences as single
mothers, wives, girlfriends and women who share to help you improve
your situation. It's your decision and hope you love
yourself and those kids enough to stop the
rollercoaster before it crashes.
Good to see you have your head in the direction....move with a smile and don't look bk
ReplyDeleteDo you think you will ever be able to move forward with someone else, or will you take some time to yourself to sort through your feelings? My suggestion, find another horse to ride that you trust. You have to break the bond you have with him, what better way than to find another cowboy. I'm just sayin!!!!
ReplyDeleteMarco
Dear 25,
ReplyDeleteThanks for allowing us to embrace your question and share our ideas with you about your dilemma. When it comes to "young dating" you have to listen to exactly what the other party is saying. For instance, you said he wouldn't commit. Let me break that one down for you: I still want the goodies, I still want access, I still want a house key, I still want YOU to be monogamous, but I want to see other people and live my life. And oh yeah, I don't want to pay any bills at your house, because if I commit and move in, I will take on some added responsibility. Next, when he left, he said,"We need a break!" That means, I am putting you on punishment for something that you did or said that was out of line, or beyond the rules I have set for this relationship. Since women are not quick to jump into bed with someone else because they LOVE real hard, he knows it will take a few months for you to find your next beau! Since that is the case, he will do you a "favor" and stop in every now and again, profess his LOVE for you, and give you sex because you are in dire need. In essence, you just became the friend with benefits who can't ask me about where I've been, or who I've been doing it with. Final thought for today, you wouldn't dare ask him for his key back because for you (or most women) that finalizes the deal and in your mind, if he has the key, he can still change his mind and surprise you one night by coming home and saying, "I was wrong, we need to stay together, I'm sorry!" Sweetie, that only happens with Lois Lane and Superman or at the end of a Tyler Perry Movie!
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
Hurchel said it best but let me just give you a few suggestions if I may. First, when my friend decided he needed a break after practically moving into I and my kids home, I asked him to remove his belongings and I gave him a few options (he cld take them with him now, he pick them up later in that next few days or I could pack them up and drop them off somewhere) next I gave him the option of voluntarily leaving his key now or I could have the locks changed when he left. Next I calmly discussed the boundaries that his needing space has placed on our whatever we had, which included him calling ahead to see if I would be available in the event he felt the urge to talk or come by. You may not think you are this strong right now, but you are, you just have to stick to your guns. In our conversation I very assertively told him that if the situation arose where I was asked out by someone I would be welcoming that. I did explain that my dating didnt mean casual sex, but I did iterate that he had just made it possible for that to take place. I didnt care that he did not utter the words break up because to me, his not wanting to commit and his need for space said it all. I understand that this is how I handled my situation and thus only serves as how I got over similar, just as you will when you want to. But you have to decide on where and what you want to be with this guy. He has already made it known that you have become his chick on the side, all you have to do is accept it for what it is or not. Good luck
ReplyDeleteMs. 25 you have received a lot of positive information today and I am sure it will take some time for you to digest it all. One thing I would like to say to you is to be careful if and when he does decide that, "I have changed my mind and wanna come back", that you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable to this. Do not get caught up in the twisted games that can sometimes tend to be played. At this point you must be strong and dig deep to find your inner self and allow time to heal you and in your next endeavor do not punish the next person for this guys wrongs. Just take this as a learning experience and be smarter the next time around....
ReplyDeleteMs. 25, I am a 24 year old dude and my girl is 27. I like kickin it with her, but we had the same issue. I told her I wasn't the committing type because she wanted to be up under me all day everyday. I just wasn't having that. When you 24, you still tryna find your way and figure out what's out there. I liked being with her but she had twins a girl and a boy. The kids liked me a lot but I wasn't tryna be a step dad to kids I wasn't sure I wanted to be around with the rest of their lives. Now, I never told her, but when I asked for a break, I found a girl who didn't have any baggage and if I slipped up and got her pregnant, my child wouldn't be part of a mini basketball team. My mom always told me to play with the single mommas but marry the lady that could start fresh with me. That might be your man's problem, he might not be feelin the ready made family thing. I'm just sayin!
ReplyDeleteDexter in Milwaukee
Wow Dexter.......not all of our mothers advice should b taken. I can't even believe she would say something like that, under any circumstances...I respect men's opinions & choices but here is the thing, if u know that u have no intention on committing, then don't play w/that person @ all!!! How about u just b completely straight up & tell her, " I don't want a ready made family, I just want 2 play." Give her the option whether that's something she wants 2 do.
ReplyDelete