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Dear Mr. Anatomy,
I have read so many stories like mine on your blog. Stories of unhappiness and disappointment from decisions I've made to stay in a relationship that is going no-where. As I send this email with tears in my eyes, I need your valued bloggers to walk me through the pain. I have been with my husband for over 12 years and we initially got married because I got pregnant and my family insisted I do the right thing and marry the father of my child. Now, a total of 3 children later, I feel like I am locked in a glass cage with no way out of my life. I am educated, attractive, and successful in my own career, I just like to LOVE my husband, but I can honestly say I am not in love with him. He is a great guy, great provider, but there is absolutely no passion that makes my eyes roll back in my head. For me, foreplay means nothing even as he tries to perform it. My Question is......
"Is this all life has to offer by way of love and relationships? I am spiritual and I've been to counseling where I've tried to find reasons to make this work, but what happens when it just doesn't work. Will God forgive me for giving up?"
Ironically, this is a scenario described to me all too often. The story of the young lady who marries early, has the family but seeks more by way of understanding in her own life. I do have a plan for women like you, but as always, my bloggers will speak first and I will follow with my assessment. From hence forward, you will be addressed as "Ms. Emotion" as we look for a solution to your issue. Please remain available for any questions my bloggers may have for the next 3 days.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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Miss Emotion, you definately are an emotionally torn woman. I commend you for admitting you love your husband but are not in love with him. We all love many people in our lives but that does not mean we will ever have that burning passion of desire that comes from being in love with some one. I am a spiritual woman as well and I believe Gods forgiveness goes far beyond our minds can comprehend because He is far greater and more powerful than our minds can comprehend. As much as you want to be happy, content, and feel complete in this life, your Heavenly Father wants this for you as we'll. He has a way for you. It may not be what is acceptable to your family, or to your friends, but it is what is right for you. I encourage you to pray, listen to your heart, and talk to your husband about what you are truly feeling about him and yourself. Doing these things will give you peace and answer some of your unknown questions. God Bless you Ms Emotion!
ReplyDeletei am sure your kids can tell you are not happy to be in your situation. i know people say to stay for the kids or it will be easier on you financially. but what about you and your happiness. it sounds like you are content with your current situation. u and your children can be happy and broke together.
ReplyDeleteI suggest you look speak with your gynecologist. It could possibly be a health factor...hormonal perhaps. You did not say what age you were and sometimes a chemical imbalance may be the hidden force behind lack of desire. You could also go to your husband and be truthful with him and tell him what your are feeling. Counseling may be the answer. It could also be that you guys may need to actively seek out some forms of interactive one on one communications with each other. We can sometime talk to people but not listen to what they are saying. I think that it all starts with one honest conversation.
ReplyDeleteMs. Emotion,
ReplyDeleteyou have to remember you deserve to be happy too. It sounds like you took your leap of faith because your family wanted it that way. I know exactly how you feel because I did the exact same thing and stayed in my relationship 10 years too long of a 13 year relationship. While we were never equals, I am from small town Montana and it was just the right thing to do. I was almost 40 before I made the decision to move forward. For me, it was a chance meeting of a marriage counselor who helped me. I couldn't afford counseling and didn't know which way to turn because my husband controlled all the money, well, I started talking to a guy at a homeless shelter I was volunteering at and ironically, he was a former psychologist who had strayed into drugs. (The Lord Shows up in strange Places) He took the time to talk me through my issue and helped me see the self worth of ME in my soul. He just made me promise to keep volunteering to pay him for our sessions. When I finally got my divorce, and went to tell him about my accolades, he had disappeared. To me, that was my angel and I feel after he had helped me, he got his wings and went back to heaven and no one can EVER tell me any difference! I sure hope my story is a blessing to you! God Bless you Ms. Emotion
White Chocolate in Montana
Ok..whats the problem..u have a wonderful man who provides for u and your children a good man..a women like me would die for..all the good men have been taken..Ive been single for ten years..if u dont want to Good Man u have..I will be happy to forward u my number..
ReplyDeleteAll of u women who r unhappy ..just need to stop..happines is with your self and the GOD u serve...not your children ..job..family..husband..or money.. Yall c/o of not being happy..look at the women whos husband beat them..and or to scared to leave..so to me yall complaining is deaf to my ears..get off your self and help a women who needs it..ugh!,
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Emotion:
ReplyDeleteBelow you will find an excerpt from a book I have read and I am reading again. The book is titled "The 5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Gary Chapman. It is an excellent book, it may help you to rekindle or begin a love with your husband that you have never had before. God can do anything and He is in the business of reestablishing relationships because that is what He desires but I do know that His main concern is your heart and happiness. I have been divorced twice now and I know that God has forgiven me for both of them so don't let that be a concern if you do end up divorced. The key is that both parties involved have to be willing to do what it takes for the relationship to work. Go to your husband and tell him how you are feeling and open the doors to communication as Janelle mentioned because that is were you need to begin if you haven't already. Also go to the doctor as Dea mentioned. Cover all your bases because you want to make the right decision and know that you did everything you could to make it work. Once you have done that, then if you still feel you want out then you can make that choose. I am not saying to stay or to go, just making suggestions. Have you went to God directly and asked Him what you need to do? That may sound like a silly question to some but I am one that firmly believes that God still speaks to us today in many ways and have experienced His guidance many times. Go to a quiet place, visual yourself with Him and then ask Him your questions. Then as the thoughts begin to flow, write them down. Don't worry about punctuation or spelling. Write down everything that comes to your mind then when done read what you wrote and see what it says. That is how I learned to listen to God. I think you will be surprised with what you read. God is the greatest counselor of all and knows what is best for each of us. I will be praying for you!! God bless you!!
Real love:
Is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves the act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction-the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the in-love experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the in-love experience had run its course. ~From Gary Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages".
excuse me. but some of us speak from experience not just to hear ourselves talk. ive been the abused wife unhappy wife married because i was pregnant wife. so.....kids know when the parents arent happy and things arent right in the home. putting up a front for the sake of others or financial means or because of the kids only does more damage in the long run to your daughters who watched you stay or your sons who are learning how to treat their girlfriend or wife
ReplyDelete@Thedra the unhappiness some women speak of is foreign to you because it's not your own unhappiness. Physical abuse is not the only harmful abuse a person will suffer the effects of for many years. I can not tell you how many times my ex husband hit me or choked me but I can tell you the exact names he called me, where exactly I was standing, the conversation leading up to and after., and the ripping feeling in my guts those words caused. To this day the sound of those words bring fear and sadness to me. They take me to a place I never want to return to. I did all I could to make our home a happy place but I was miserable and from the inside out I was slowly dying, this killing te whole family.
ReplyDeleteWell , I really Respect what all these Women are saying. But I have to say " Do You Boo!" Alot of Marriages start out with Pregnancy before knowing what Real Love is. " You think , you Love this person? And you SETTLE with this Person." Until You have had the life of Grown Up Adult Single, you can't Appreciate the Love of Marriage. So I say if You are not in Love , tell your Husband. If You are FAIR in a Divorce, he may feel the same way? And Fair is not taking All His Shit! And a Structured Child Support not through the State, with Joint Custody.Then make sure You Two Establish a Friendship outside after the Divorce. But understand the Consequences ? You can't go back ! So be Ready for the REAL BULLSHIT of Finding Mr. Right! Mr.Right possibly has 4 kids and 3 Baby Momma's
ReplyDeleteYou know sometimes we need to talk to God about our situations
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting to read your comments. Many are encouraging, very few are not. To those of you that are encouraging I would like to say thank you for your positive perspectives. For those that are not, it seems like you have a few issues of your own especially the lady that hasn't been in a relationship for 10 yrs. What you don't understand is that just because a man is a "good man" does not mean that that "good man" is the man for you....-Ms. Emotion
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record there is nothing wrong with me medically. There are several layers to sexual encounters, as many women know. There is also a difference between making love and having sex. I can have sex but I want to make love (which I feel that's where foreplay comes in) not only physically but mentally as well. So due to circumstances out of my control at this point in my life (meaning my mental state) I have an issue with having foreplay.
ReplyDelete-Ms. Emotion
Sometimes a person wants to hear what other people have to say about their situation. They may know what they want to do deep down inside but arent quite ready to make that move. As I have been told before only you know when you have had enough. Once you have reached that point of no return there will be nothing nobody can say to make you stay or anything that he can do that is going to change your mind.
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Emotion.....
ReplyDeleteI sincerely apologize for my delay however I wanted to get as many responses as possible before we moved on from this topic. In life, I feel individuals should be happy and ride that wave until their happiness is derailed. For you, your happiness has seriously hit a bump in the road and you see the writing on the wall to move on. Well, I agree that you should move on. Why you ask, because if you are not happy, no one in the house is happy, including the husband that is trying to keep this relationship afloat. I would bet that your husband is either frustrated or growing tired of what he sees as the end nearing as well. In my teaching, research says married couples who eventually divorce, stay with one another 2 years longer than they should have if the outcome is separation anyway. While I can't pinpoint the source of your pain, I can surely say this: don't prolong the inevitable if starting over is what you truly seek. You are only hurting the parties in the house that are not feeling your pain! Release them and let them seek refuge elsewhere.
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA (send all questions to AskMrAnatomy@anatomyofacheater.com