Dear Mr. Anatomy,
I am a man that can't find the right woman to save his LIFE! I mean, I have a great job, I am educated, consider myself attractive, and have many options for women, but when I start dating them, I find something about them that doesn't allow me to move forward. Like anyone else, I love a beautiful, smart, independent woman, but after about 8 months of dating, it gets boring, and I am looking for the next point of excitement. Am I different from most, or am I just in the rat race of dating? In the past, I have always dated multiple women to get my "fix" but I am truly ready to find someone to make me happy and fulfilled. I was married too early and from that, I have a beautiful family of children that are the center of my world. I just want the next chapter to begin. My question is .....
"Where is true happiness, and how on earth do you pick the right woman to be a solemate?"
First and foremost, thank you for allowing my bloggers and I the opportunity to tackle your question. From hence forward, I will address you as "Unhappiness" as we try to help you decipher your feelings. Please remain available and ready to answer any questions my bloggers may have for you.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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First let me say this... THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION! Next, have you ever thought that the flaws that you are seeing in these women are actually the flaws that you see in yourself and just projecting those stale infractions on the other person? Confidence is a great quality but arrogance isn't. Humbling yourself s bit could benefit you greatly also. In relationships people often see themselves as a great catch when relationships really can't be about self gratification. In a relationship it is customary to place the bed and wants off their partner ahead of yours within reason. If you are aspiring to make your partner happy then you are wasting your time. If all you can say is what a great catch you are then you aren't looking for someone to love you are only looking for someone to love you and that's where your problems begin. You only seem to become bored when you stop being the center of attention it seems.
ReplyDeleteThe next time you go out on date, buy yourself a pocket recorder, turn it on as soon as you enter her presence and place it in your jacket pocket within earshot of the conversation. The next day play it back a few times and then come back and tell me what you heard on the recording.
I guarantee you will see a different side of you. The only way you don't is that your arrogance level is a little on the too high side in which case a soul mate wouldn't be what you are truly looking for. You would be looking for someone to place you on a pedestal higher than the one you have placed yourself on.
You're soulmate is not someone you pick. You will know when you have met them. As horrible as it may sound, it may not even be meant for you to be with your soulmate. The getting bored part you need to let her know that you get bored easily if she really feeling you she will do what needs to be done to keep your attention. Personally I get bored easily so I try extra things just to keep it interesting. Happiness is found first within yourself if you're not happy with yourself you can't be happy with someone else. When you are truly happy and pleased the way you desire you will know....
ReplyDeleteI say the first mistake is dating multiple women. You can't find what you want if you have all those personalities to deal with. Plus it shows your lack of commitment. And if all you can see is a person's flaws then you gonna be lonely all your life. No one is without flaws. You just have to see which ones you can handle all of your life. You don't pick a soulmate. A soulmate comes to you. You may have already passed her because you were to busy looking at flaws. No one can make you happy if you are not already happy. And it makes no since to get into a relationship if you are not happy because all you are going to do is make her unhappy.
ReplyDeletePray to your father of your specific needs in a woman and he shall grant you what you ask of him. Remember, its more than just the beauty of a woman's skin it goes much deeper straight to the heart of a woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling with a similar thing, monogamy vs polygamy. According to my own personal studies and meditations any one can be with anyone. I'll say it again just to be very clear anyone can be with anyone. It's a matter of finding the pieces of them that you care for and respect. Seeing them exposed and naked and what they see as their weaknesses you want to change or help make up for in the areas they lack. Monogamy is based upon a deeper love with one person. Revealing the things that have caused you pain... Building the connections between one another. The foundation of a relationship is actually understanding one another. The key point is people are so used to being hurt by others that we automatically shell up and guard our most sensitive areas. The things that are important to us. Are the women you dating sharing with you the reasons they are the way they are, the key events that have influenced their psychology? Are you sharing with them everything that comes from their depths? Are comfortable enough with your own past to announce it to anyone that asks, no shame in your actions but an understanding of where you've been. Often times I've found that people are looking for someone else to complete them this is an incorrect notion and will lead to a dependent lifestyle. A relationship isn't about being dependent on one another but more so sharing two lives as one. You can't begin the race if you don't cross the line and take a step forward. Now realize this, we all have our own short comings, things that we see as flaws and a good partner will cover you in the area you're weak in, while you cover their weaknesses. You'll also amplify the good aspects of each other. That's what it's about nullifying the bad and amplifying the good as complete people.
ReplyDeleteDating many people isn't a bad thing, and you can feel love for more then one person. You can be committed to all of them equally. You can love them for different aspects that they bring out in you, but in today's society this type of behavior is generally frowned upon. You won't be satisfied as long as your looking for a monogamous relationship such as marriage, while living a poly lifestyle. I recommend stepping back from the dating world and reassessing what it is that you truly want. Don't be so quick to approach, and readjust the way you think, after all when you change the way you look at the world, the world you look at will change. I often find that meeting of chance are the most stimulating ones, and instead of looking hard for what is wrong with each individual person first knock out the undesirable traits in yourself. Make yourself perfect, but see there will alway be something that you want to change so you'll spend the time chasing after something and once you get to perfection you will naturally seek out the same. Find someone that has goals that align to yours and spend more time together, 8 months isn't a very long time in the scheme of things.... Yes it may slow down but as a man you should be looking for more ways to keep the fire alive and surely enough it will stay alive... It won't slow down or be as boring... Everything has a rhythm, as soon as you get to a slow spot you bail, learn to be still... Survive in the slow areas and help it pick back up, all fires need fuel to burn.
My brother I hope you are willing to accept honest opinions because I am very familiar with Kimberly Michelle and she is the truth as a female partaker of relationships and respect her insight. Therefore, who are you and what are you giving of yourself, not resume, to a woman.....Thx for your input Keri as well, just haven't blogged for a time and remember Kim
ReplyDeletePersonally i think it just means you haven't found the right one. When you find her the others Will fade away. She will be your focus things will just seem right. While there will be things to improve on it won't feel like a gad thing it will feel good to adjust to life together
ReplyDeleteI'm no Dr. Ruth but when you start looking for a woman to be your significant other and one of the qualities you look for in that woman is independence, stop! ..and this goes for you gals as well just stop! ...similarities are what you should be looking for, yes opposites attract but these similarities is what you both will share and have fun in doing so. Some females tend to use the term independence very loosely '…I'm a strong independent woman…' (well good for you) to describe their attributes, it's nothing really to cheer about that is if you are a country go right ahead and especially when going into a new relationship forget your ideas of independence both male and female. Independence speaks to 'I don't need you I'm good on my own' and the dictionary definition continues to touch on such. It is called a relationship for a reason. Plus there is nothing wrong with guys setting standards women do it all the time when looking for a mate but always leave room for the occasional let down, nothing wrong with that either, it just is. A relationship is a bond something to be valued and shared not to be forced into isolation.
ReplyDeleteHi, I will only call you by your name, therefore, you and only you, know who you are. I would have to say you are just perfect. You have everything going for you. You know right from keft, good from evil, hard from soft, hot from cold. All the right attributes for a man. You will continue to grow, still making mistakes along the way, if you continued to learn. That is the shear beauty and eloquence of life. That's how we learn, what we want. Remember when you reached for that something and thought you might spill that glass of milk, then you did. Spill it, that is? You knew the consequences when you reached, yet you did it anyway. Now you would probably reach for those stars, in a different manner. Isn't it grand, it's called life. A journey only you can know, create and enjoy with every nanosecond of your being. I just think your way ahead of the game for your age. What ever that is and whomever, you are. I'd go for coffee with you, if I was a spring chicken, and live every instant of it : ) Just sayin
ReplyDeleteI sincerely appreciate all the feedback I have received thus far. Kimberly, you are right on so many levels. I do find myself feeling I have to sell myself, but most of my counterparts come from business events, gatherings I deal with at church or the NBA overflow. I have met all kinds but one thing still remains, after being with them for a short time, they can't keep up, in their minds and they start to poke holes in their own security in the relationship. I will be the first to admit, I am a handful, but that just means I need the right woman to help tame all the man I am. I am accomplished, and for most, that scares them when they get to know me. I am best friends with a NBA baller in New York, and when I take my girl or significant other out with them, in those circles, they come home and immediately think that I am like the people I hang around. Well, I explain to them, I am a sports agent and I have to make sure those guys are taken care of. Yes, I set up dates, women and take care of problems, but that is my job. When will I find a woman secure in herself that she looks past the travel, and the glitz and glamour and just love me and trust that I will do right! I want a simple girl, with a good head on her shoulders. Not some Princess wannabe that her daddy is still holding the title to her Lexus. Alexander, I have done all of the above, the parties, the all nighters, and the multiple friends and that life lost me my wife. Now, I just want to find someone who holds my attention in all ways. Yes, Keri, Yes Akeiba, you are right about the soul mate thing, and although I sound like I am seeking one, I'm am not actively looking for that "Title" but I am looking to move in that direction as I continue to age and be alone. I am sometimes surrounded by lots of individuals that are prominent as was the case this past weekend at the NBA All-Star game, and I had a date that was set up by one of my good clients, but at the end of the day, she thought all I wanted was sex, and all she wanted was a purse from Saks Fifth Avenue. She got her purse, I got my sex, and it was a wash. I laid in bed feeling like I was the one used when she left for the airport on Monday. Mr. Anatomy, they say you are the best, show me !!
ReplyDelete(Unhappiness)
Biggest mistake he made ....is saying he looking for someone to make him happy ...That cracks me up when ppl leave their happiness n contentment in someone elses hands . PPL always looking for what someone can do for them when relationship has to be about what our YOU bringing to the table. ..Happiness is a decision one makes within self ..I would never leave my happiness to someone else its to much pressure to put on them..So babyboy where on earth do u find happiness you ask, I say within yourself....Next he says..how do u pick the right one or soulmate Hmmm...I believe you have to know what you want find that in another person n build..He needs to be realistic some things may lack but what are the must haves and go with it...However his boredom with another will not be solved from the other that is something he needs to solve in self before getting into a serious relationship. .He says..he want a one on one n something long term yet says he gets bored. I think he is confused everyone wants the rainbow ,but no one wants the storms....IJS Shrugs
ReplyDeleteWell said Christine Smith. Well said. He has to sit down and find out who he is inside. Find his on happiness. Coming to the table unhappy is only gonna drag the next down. Throw the chemistry off. Create friction in the air. You can't enter being damaged goods. And if a relationship bores you yoy need to remain single. And be honest about it with women that way you not damaging the woman you date. Don't lead them to think one way when it's another. Most women will go with the flow. All you have to do is be upfront and honest. But you can't be committed if you bore easily. Like i said before dating multiple women shows lack of commitment. Part of commitment is being able to be with the woman even if it has slowed down and got boring. You stay true to her and spice it back up. Not step out.
ReplyDeleteIt's more to it than picking bits and pieces of what he is saying..as Christine said the issue is within. In my experience multiple partners is only to bolster an internal self esteem issue...that still got it syndrome. I'm single and not content bcz I desire more for my castle not so I can have the relationship I use to fantasize about .as opposed to hvn multiple sex partners I'd rather hv multiple conversations. And in those conversations I may find peace within one and become comfortable enough to focus on that one. Happiness is a choice but there are mitigating factors. One is to understand happiness isn't a constant emotion. Other emotions surface at times. You can't commit to happiness not even in one's self..soulmate....that's not a person is an understand...SCIENCE OF UNDERSTANDING LIFE ....AND A MATE THAT SHARES THOSE MEMES
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure all of us find our soulmate; I do know that you must find "trust" and "communication". When all is said and done - meaning, finding that one. Be excited to come home and tell that person about your day and be able to trust them; which can go down many different avenues. You also have to consider a blended family - Will the children get along? So yes there are many factors to consider. i.e... Sexual pleasures, likes/dislikes with foods or activities, what are some of the factors that you're willing to bend for? What if you like to see a woman dress up often and she's a jeans/t-shirt girl. What things are give and take for you? NOW for your main question: True happiness comes from within - Do like/love/comfortable with that MAN in the mirror? That will reflect on your relationship, as well as, when you're dating these women. I believe that "ONE"... You'll know. Maybe not right of way, but you have to be able to trust that person. BUT... I would like to hear -- a description of what is boring to you? What is the next point of excitement - What do you think/imagine that is?
ReplyDeleteIf you can't be happy with yourself, you can't be happy with anyone else. People tend to make things that should be easy, hard. Everything starts from within and if you aren't in the right place personally, then it will show itself naturally... because what is internal will eventually external. So this guy just needs to readjust his views and work on himself, take a break... in a way he's been overstimulated.
ReplyDeleteI still think he's way ahead of the game. I say punt : )
ReplyDeleteThis is all good. Nice to learn. Not judge
Dear Unhappiness,
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me, your problem lies within yourself! You seem to have very high expectations on what you seek in a woman, but you don't seem to hold yourself to the same set of rules. The reason I know this is for years, I feel like I was the exact same way, and to an extent, I am that way now. I settled for less of what I deserved, only to get into relationships that didn't completely fulfill me and that is where the boredom aspect comes from. IF you are dating below your needs or capability, it will show and eventually rear is head. Picture this, you are standing at a bus stop in the rain. A bus comes along, and even though it's not the bus that takes you to where you are going, you get on just to get out of the rain. Well, when the bus reaches the end of its route, you have to get off. You still didn't reach your destination therefore, you have to either find more buses to try to get there in short stints, or you stand there and wait for the right bus that will take you all the way to where you are going! My advice, catch the right bus even if it means standing in the rain longer, and soaking up the knowledge it takes to ride that bus! Stand there! My advice to you, is my advice to myself and others like us. We need to feel something just to feel whole at certain intervals within our lives; So instead of taking an extra moment to get intouch with self, we take the first bus in hopes of making it go where we want it even though it clearly shows you in the window......I stop at "blah blah blah".... you can't make me go further! You can't ride, and drive!
Mr. Anatomy is Hurchel Williams, MBA
AskMrAnatomy@anatomyofacheater.com