By Request, all questions are for 2 days, to further Thoughts and Ideas on particular topics......!
Often times deception keeps a lot of relationships from reaching their full potential. So today's Question is a simply one ................Have you ever been introduced to a friend of your mate/spouse/partner and you found out later, this person is a current or past sexual love interest? What happened? How did you eventually find out? What was the explanation?
Please chime in and let us hear your voice !! I have been on both sides of this coin, so I understand "WHY" we introduce the other person and how deception plays a significant role in this exchange. (I'll explain later)
H. Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Speaker,
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com
http://twitter.com/anatomyofacheat
Yes, yes, yes...this has happened to me. Long story short, my guy and I had been talking about the possibility of having a threesome at one point in our relationship but didn't really stress it much. Time passed and he tells me that one of his cool childhood friends was in town and he wanted me to meet her, so I was like, "cool"! So I get to his house and he introduces us and we have couple of drinks and chuckle it up watching some tv & playing cards. They talk about past stories and she tells me how he is completely smitten with me and then she compliments my skin and tells me that she understands why because I was the most beautiful lady he has ever dated. She got a phone call, so my guy and I began to entertain ourselves and next thing I know he unbuttoned my jeans and started to take them off while with his face "in my lap"..she's still on the phone on the other couch. She got off and I stopped him... he started pouting and went to his room to pack for a trip because he had a flight to catch in the a.m.. So the friend & I began to talk about life and I asked her if they had ever slept together and she said yes, once and she had gave him oral a few years back but never a relationship because neither wanted each other like that. He texted me
ReplyDeleteand told me he was upset. I shrugged it off and told her what he said And she out of no where
tells me she wants to watch us make up and then kissed me. Completely shocked I backed up and went to talk to him and he was upset because she came on to me and she's apologizing. So we made her leave and I'm was pissed off because regardless of what he said I thought it was a set-up, which he still denies...hmmm??? What do ya'll think?
So much for making the long story short, huh? lol
Anonymous, I truly believe it was a set up. They talked about it prior to her coming over...That's why he discussed a threesome with you to get a feel for how you felt so he can just slide her in there.....Creep!!
ReplyDeleteThis question brings back a 17 year’s old memory!!! Yes, this has happened to me. I was in a relationship with a man who I deeply adored... I mean CRAZY over!! Well, to get closer to a man sometime means you have to get pass his best friend, and in my case, it happened to be a female. I was cool with it because she was a cool ass chick. Well, I ended up becoming really close to this friend like she was my best friend. She lived in Chicago and I lived in another state with my man. We invited her down for a weekend trip and she brought her sister. I had no issues with this because at this point I was more than happy to fit in with his friends. "I" picked them up in my car, took them to dinner and was MORE than kind to let them stay with us. The next morning, we (the girls) decided to go mall hopping while my man stayed home and studied for a test. Well, the sister declined the invite and stayed behind. I still never thought anything of it since they had all been friends for several years. I noticed every morning the sister had an attitude with me and I just thought she was "J" because I was younger and cute. Ummmm, NOT!!! After 4 days they were getting ready to leave and my man told them that he was unable to take them to the airport. He offered one sister shuttle money but not the other. He said he wasn't giving her shit and she went off. I woke up to full blown yelling.....The sister said, Fuck you, you crooked dick muthafucka...you can't fuck any way with that crooked ass dick. At that point, I knew she had him. WHY did I have to find out like that? About a year later, I saw pictures of them in bed together from back when they were dating......
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 1 -
ReplyDeleteI agree with the second blogger, I truly feel your boyfriend knew exactly what he was doing and when you didn't fall victim to his antics, the "pouting" was supposed to push you into lowering your inhibitions and going through with the act. Men have all types of tactics, but women have to wake up and realize what "GAME" is being run on them and why. With us, nothing is coincidental, everything is scripted!!! IF you live by that, you will learn how to maneuver with the best of us. The reason I wrote my book; I was the best at planning, and in my book, I show you how we did "US" with little thought!
Thanks for sharing 1st Anonymous!
H. Williams, MBA
Anonymous 2,
ReplyDeleteWow, that was pretty deep and animated. While you got to the end result, it was amazing how you had NO idea what web of deceit you were in! I am sure as the day progressed, things felt funny but since you trusted your mate, you let your "gut feeling" pass without questioning their association. You even left her alone with him which I am sure you now know what "could have" happened when you were not there! I would be remiss if I didn't ask these questions; When you did find out they were together, did you ever question him about their association? What was his immediate answer? What did this deception do to your future trust in this relationship?
Thanks for letting us hear your heart!
H. Williams, MBA
To both anonymous: 1A- since you had agreed to A threesome and your mate had pre-planned, would you still partake in that act even though he mislead you that it was a chance it would happen with his friend? Did the kiss catch you off guard and what type of inner feelings it evolved?
ReplyDelete2A- you trusted your mate, but how does his actions dictate future mate friendships and are you scared by those actions?
Yes Anatomy,
ReplyDeleteI questioned the relationship and of course he down played it...(you know how yall do it) He said they slept together "once" but it was nothing to it so I shouldn't worry about it. I found out later that they had a very intimate/sexual relationship and it went sour but they became friends. One year later we went to Chicago and I kept a close eye on them but they never even spoke. Years after our break up I heard they were back on speaking terms. That really put me in an uncomfortable space with him as far as trust. Who wants to be made a fool of?
Byron,
ReplyDeleteI trusted him because I didn't want to believe he would hurt me. His actions has affected me tremendously in 2 ways. Either I'm very overbearing and protective or I am ice box cold. Being cold works better for me now to avoid hurt.
Both anonymous, how are you rebuilding trust with with your inner self and will the pain subside enough to allow friendship first then love later? Thanks for your responses.......
ReplyDeleteByron,
ReplyDeleteWhile we know Anatomy's credentials and how he helps us understand the pain we have ALL suffered at the hands of men, can you take a moment and tell us about yourself? Do you have experience in the topics we discuss? Have you had several women where trust broke down at the hands of your infidelity? Please, tell us who BRYRON is? You seem to be knowledgable, but tell us about you!
Anonymous - S. Jean Mantos
From Anonymous#1 to Byron
ReplyDeleteJust to add a little insight, we had only been dating for about 6 months and unfortunately for him, I would have eventually gave him what he desired if he would have just kept it real with me because it was a desire with both had. I actually liked his friend as a person, but after the attempted seduction I didn't trust her and I lost respect for him. Her kiss I think was an attempt to make me comfortable because I was contemplating whether I should just give in due to my own curiosity but the deceit angered me and turned me off. The kiss shocked me because I'd never been kissed by a women but sexually or emotionally it didn't effect me either way. My thoughts at the time was like, this bitch is crazy freaky but I wasn't going to give either of them the satisfaction of having me on their terms.
My name is Byron L Simon. M.Ed. Long time friend of the author and going through second divorce and experienced in relationships both monogamous and involving infidelity. My involvement is to engage the self and how it recovers from pain as well as efforts to rebuild inner love of self
ReplyDelete1A- I appreciate your honesty and seem you are in control of your inner being. Would you give it another try in a different setting?
ReplyDeleteTo Byron from Anonymous#1
ReplyDeleteIn regards to be building trust with my inner self, I'm a pretty strong woman so I have that on lock. It did hurt at the time because I had began to development very strong feelings for my guy and I thought we were clear on being open and honest with each other but his decision to deceive me set us back tremendously. It did mold us for the future because I love him immensely & we are still together almost three years later and we've come to the realization that neither one of us are ready to share each other without being dangerously jealous. He found out that his friend is really obsessed with having me and it doesn't sit well with him. Which I find hilarious, but I don't blame her because I am pretty sexy. :)
Lol...that's wonderil to hear and proves the recovery aspect of my thoughts. You two will have a trusting relationship as long a you put it on the plate and communicate. Great that you've identified the threesome is a no go and that can be content with each other and reduce the chance if cheating....thanks again Anonymous for your honesty
ReplyDeleteHonesty = freedom :) Thanks for picking my brain.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome and continue to be free....best wishes in your relationship
ReplyDeleteMy first question is to Byron...How is it that you feel you are qualified to tell someone how to handle their relationships when you clearly stated that are going through a SECOND divorce, which included infidelity? What happened? I mean, it seems like you need to focus on the rebuilding of yourself and not giving advice to others-just because you have a few bumps and bruises doesn't qualify you to be a relationship counselor. No offense..
ReplyDeleteI was in a similar situation before, but the thing was I knew my guy and the girl had dated even before either bothered to say anything, so I played along with their little game until we all had a sit down dinner. It was myself, my guy, the girl and her man. Catch 22; he didn't know anything. So you can only imagine the fireworks after I started asking questions. Moral to the story: What's done in the dark will come to the light...but are you too blind to see it?
To All.....
ReplyDeleteThanks for a very healthy discussion. Before I go further, I feel I have to address the question of my Compadre, Byron. For most of you, you will understand this term, He is "Ride or Die!" When my book comes out, you will see how Byron has been there for the last 22 years of my life starting with my Military days. This guys' life is a mirrored image of mine and through my bumps and bruises, he was there and an active participant! As I pull the layers of my onion back, I will subconsciously reveal his core as well in all of the Anatomy of a Cheater Series, books 1, 2, and 3 ! On our blog, our goal is to get the opinion of as many men as possible to give our bloggers a deep look into the minds of men at their most vulnerable points where they open and divulge self! Byron, with your marriages, many relationships on several continents, and long conventional educational background, I think you are just the "sidekick" needed, to help us experience this journey!
Thanks To Byron for his explanation and transparency, It is GREATLY appreciated!
H. Williams, MBA
To all Of my Anonymous Bloggers on this Topic,
ReplyDeleteDo you see how deception opens the doors to so many different conclusions? As men, we ride in the car with the radios off and do real deep thinking! We are always plotting and typically, when we introduce our "friend" to you, it is for selfish reasons that she and I have discussed.
When I did it, (on several occasions) it was for some fetish my "friend" and I had discussed and centered around gratification in different areas. AND the friend usually has her own ulterior motive of watching you and seeing you in a different capacity with your "closest" relationship outside of her. Women have a tendency to want to see how you treat other women and then compare what you do for them, to what you do for the one you profess to "truly love!" It's a sign of jealousy and respect all rolled into one. When I said in my last post, we will pull the Onion Layers back and reveal the core, I was serious! The things me and my "others" did, will rock some of you at your core! It shows the vindictive nature of women with an "alter ego" flair. Then, believe it of not, the other woman "friend" will then, have the audacity to wanna give you advice of something she may have witness as a woman. Like, "I didn't wanna say anything, but ya girl.....blah blah, blah." and your stupid butt sits there and listens because you say to yourself, "well she is a woman, so she would understand!" This life is amazingly cynical, and then you die, right?
Thanks for Sharing, keep reading and keep blogging. This topic is one for the ages!
H. Williams, MBA
First off Anonymous, I am qualified to comment on relationships. I never said my marriages ended due to infidelity.....I stated that I was involved in relationships involving infidelity. Both of my marriages were mutual decisions in divorce in which both of my wives selectively cheated due to my absence working and traveling. Therefore I can weigh-in on the institute of marriage and male/female relationships. You and your mate have chosen to reconcile and move on. Kudos to you. If I had never been in a relationship or married, would you take book theory or experience? I've cheated and been cheated on. The problem in relationships is being able to be honest. Your mate came to you with a fantasy and it didn't work out. Moreover, at least you both were open to it and made an attempt without regard to initiation. We all have desires, but compatible mates to fulfill them. Thanks for your concerns about my qualifications and continue to grow as a person
ReplyDeleteTo Byron From Anonymous #2
ReplyDeleteThat last Anonymous was an Anonymous#3 It wasn't
from Anonymous #1 or #2.
To Byron,
ReplyDeleteI deserve an apology because you just read the wrong person but apparently A#3 has a bone to pick with u.
From - (Anonymous #2)
Kudos to you Byron for your ability to be able to tell the difference between the two. Trust, there is no concern at all, it's just a response to a statement. And yes the problem does start with the lack of honesty. The sad part is when neither party is man or woman enough to say enough is enough. So the bullshit continues until it leads to divorce. Ignorance on both parts. So why bother getting married? You stated that involved in relationships involving infidelity----well that takes two..
ReplyDeleteIf you were never in a relationship or married, then book sense or experience would be irrelevant because a book can't teach you about relationships-only suggest. If you have never been in a relationship, then you can't speak on experience. So that is a redundant statement.
Anyway...
I believe that if the relationship is strong enough between two people, then I say be honest. No since in lying, because that creates more drama....if it does cause friction, then maybe a re-evaluation is necessary. Both parties should be secure in who they are and where they are going, instead of letting someone from the past become apart of someone's future.
And so you don't get it confused again...it's Anonymous#3....
To my Anonymous Bloggers...
ReplyDeleteIt does get a bit sticky when we are trying to address certain issues and comments because we never know which Anonymous comes back with a follow up answer. I sincerely wish you would sign out with something like Anonymous "Fisher" or Anonymous "Dreamer" so we can address you guys directly. I enjoy this blog and we are on the cutting edge with our issues and responses. Get ready because starting tomorrow, we will have another GREAT TOPIC which was submitted by one of our bloggers. Basically, a question she wanted the answer to. And for all of you to know, we take questions daily at Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com and if it is interesting, it gets on the blog and last for 2 days! Please feel free to share your hearts and let us hear your concerns.
I greatly appreciate all of you who stop by, leave questions, or even just read. Everybody is a contributor!
Thanks again,
H. Williams, MBA
To Anonymous 1 & 2, I sincerely apologize and hope you continue to contribute to future blogs as your insights are needed and appreciated.
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous 3, thanks for sharing your thoughts about this topic and looking forward to more of your input.
Thanks Byron, it's all good. ;)
ReplyDelete