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Mr. Anatomy,
My Question is about my husband and the relationship he has with our son. When I met my husband, I was 6 months pregnant. Part of his approach to me was "I want to raise your unborn child as if he is my own!" I thought that was such a special thing to say to a woman considering his biological father is a complete Non-factor. We were married and began our life as husband and wife. Now, a year and a half later, that person who promised to be a father to my son, is not living up to his promise. He does NOT treat my son like his own, he makes differences in my son versus his real children from a previous relationship. It is so obvious that other people see it and privately ask me if he even loves my child? I am a Black lady and my husband is White. Our son is black and his other children are bi-racial. He admits there is a problem, but nothing has changed. My Question is .............
Is this grounds to leave my husband and ask for a divorce? I love him, but my child's happiness comes first! What should I do?
Ma'am, this is truly a touchy subject and I have agreed to accept your question in an effort to let our bloggers help sort through the maze you are dealing with in your life. I will offer my opinion after everyone else has had a say.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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A false display of feelings, attitudes, or INTENTIONS -it sounds like you married someone under a FALSE pretense. Im certain hearing "I will help raise your child as my own" was beautiful but he might have bite off more than he can chew as my moma would say. Every person WE marry may not be the man/woman GOD has chosen for us. Its better to raise a child with LOVE from one parent than one who displays NONE. Protect YOUR child because right now YOU ARE all he has. If others can see, your child can feel it. Babies thrive on our love, he may cant say anything but trust, he CAN feel it. Commit to nurturing and raising YOUR baby.
ReplyDeleteThis is always a touchy subject for me. I don't think that I could offer any advice on this but I will give you my opinion of what I've read. There is obviously some jealousy going on everyone's part. I say obviously because you have noticed the way that your husband interacts with his previous children and you had to be paying close attention to the situation to notice as much. And your husband has obviously been paying close attention to the way you are interacting or not interacting with his children. One thing I didn't see mentioned is the fact that you and your husband had sat down and had a real heart-to-heart about the baby's biological parent and the possibility that this person could wake up one day and decide that he wants to be a father. I don't know the mentality of your husband but he could harbor some deep seeded resentment for this man and not knowing him may be fueling the fire burning within him. Another thing that could be bothering your husband (and I don't know I'm just guessing) is that he could resent the child for not being bi-racial as his other children are. (Keep in mind, you didn't give the readers any info on that fact). Sometimes men resent the fact that they are burdened with another man's child and the child's biological isn't contributing anything to the household. AND THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL MEN! I REPEAT, THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL MEN! People are just funny that way, men and women. There are some people who have to be told things and some people who have to be shown things. I think that only you have the power to determine what you feel is the right thing to do in this situation. I know that if I was dating/married to a man and he made a difference in children period then I wouldn't be with him. the children are innocent bystanders in this situation and you as this child's mother are responsible for protecting and caring for your child at all costs. I wish you luck and my prayers are definitely with you and for you.
ReplyDeleteIf this was me I would leave. At the end of the day my baby and his happiness would be all that matters to me. At the end of the day that's YOUR SON not " OUR SON". If it was "OUR SON" you wouldn't be on this blog. You and seen a difference in you husband, your husband says theres a problem and he hasn't done anything to change what the problem is. Your son also feels and see the difference he's just too young to understand and say anything to you. Because if it was the other way around and you treated his kids different he would say something to you if not leave you for treating his kids different. Most woman just get so caught up in love to where they forget what is most important. And in this case YOUR SON is the most important person in your life now and forever. It's not about you, it not about your husband, it's all about YOUR SON. I know you love your husband but you should love YOUR SON more. At this point having no father in his life is better then the father you want him to have. Again I would leave it not going to get any better for YOUR SON when it comes down to your husband who you married for all the wrong reasons. But that's for another blog. If it was MY SON I would leave our BLACK KIDS go though enough as it is but to go though it at home that's way too much. And you see it and don't want to see it. Leave and tell your husband to go kick rocks with no shoes on....
ReplyDeleteWow, This is a tough pill to swallow and a situation all too familiar. I can identify with this one in two ways..RAISED AS A STEPCHILD WITH 3 OTHER SIBLINGS WHO ARE NOT BLOOD RELATED & CURRENTLY MARRIED TO MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER'S FATHER...In my case my step father accepted us as his own... He loved my mother and wanted to take care of her and her 3 children, despite the fact that we weren't his. I'm my mother's oldest child, so I saw it all. My step father was a true God Send for all 4 of us. My mother's first husband abused her and me. I didn't belong to him, and my skin complexion didn't help. He never harmed my brothers, because they were his..We my mother divorced him..I'm so glad that we got away from his madness.. When she met my step father, I tried pushing him away out of fear of her being hurt again, as well as myself. Fortunately, that wasn't the case..So, I thank God everyday for sending her my step father who later adopted me as his own, because my biological dad was a dead beat!!
ReplyDeleteAll i can say is your child's happiness and well being should be your main focus........that child will become an adult who remembers how he was treated and how mom allowed him to b treated
ReplyDeleteAn adult that falsely presented himself as great marriage material in order to gain entry to you in marriage. Resentment of said adult child that is not his. Perfect recipe for impending physical abuse the emotional and verbal has already begun. Make the best decision for your child they did not ask to be here in that situation. You and your husband did.
ReplyDeleteOk, before my friend Mr. Anatomy provide his assessment, I would like to give you my experience. I was raised by a man who I knew as my father. We didn't have a great relationship and it wasn't until 2009 that I found out that he wasnt my real dad and I put together all the abuse physically and emotionally endured under his roof. My mom took it because of what he did when changed my name inthe act of accepting me as his...well my mom and I endured the abuse , but as a man now I've cut my ties for me to gain my emotional health...my mother is being abused and battling his drinking...my two brothers are his and is treated like gold compared to me...yes you love your husband but does he love your child at heart to be a good father to him? I think not but I'm not hear to judge but bring awareness to abuse for you and your child...listen if you can change him through counseling, so be it...but his heart is in question not the color of his skin..thx y'all and much love
ReplyDeleteHoney, I will keep this one short... Yes it is grounds to leave! I have been in a similar predicament where my husband grew to detest my sons. We had other issues but that was the largest hurdle we could not jump over. If you receive his kids with open arms he should do likewise. I'm sorry but a person with kids comes as a package deal. Also, God ultimately holds you accountable for that child. I won't say leave.... But I will say there is just cause!
ReplyDelete