Mr. Anatomy,
I have an issue with a woman. I work at (not gonna say it) and there is a young lady that I am interested in at our firm. The problem is she is involved with someone else that has that bad boy image. Everyday she comes to work with a very negative attitude about what's going on in her home. People at work are whispering that there may be some abuse in her house, but everyone tries to stay in their own business. Well, we have had lunch several times and I like her a lot and I know she likes me. When she smiles, it seems like she releases some pain slowly, but when it's time to go home, her attitude goes sour again. When I try to get her to open up, she just replies, "You would never understand!" However, I am a good guy; clean cut, 27 year old college grad. I guess I am like the "Carlton Banks" character on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I am very attractive, but just not a thug and I didn't grow up on the wrong side of the tracks! I am going to Law School at night to one day start my own practice. The firm we work at has already committed to making me Jr. Associate when I graduate. My Question is .......
"Why don't ladies like the good guys? They always want the bad boy image! Is it something they want that we aren't giving?"
From hence forward, I will address you as Mr. Good Guy. I selected your question because it hits very close to home with an issue I am counseling about currently. I would like people's input and true opinions before I go further. Thanks for bringing your question to our Forum!Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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The reality is we love that bad boy image but in the end all we really want is our knight in shining armor. The bad boy lasts for a lil bit but isn't everything we want. We want that genuine unconditional love, that bend over backwards for you, that full on attn and affection, to be spoiled n treated respectfully not like a doormat. I want it all... I want the fairy tale and I deserve nothing less and will not settle for less. #theend
ReplyDeleteThis is a common issue of the world in the dating scene. Most women who are educated are often "mislooked" by the good men! So cant wait to hear more!!!
DeleteI believe a LADY wants the guy who has a tender heart but can still be a protector to her when needed. We strive to connect to a man who will cover us in the event of harm and maybe even give that sense of edge in his demeanor but not thug quality. Remember there is a difference between a lady and a woman.... a lady doesn't want a thug! So men choose your companion wisely.
ReplyDeleteTanya Angelique, MBA
Life Coach and Business Consultant
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Greetings Mr. "Good Guy",
ReplyDeleteAs I pondered my thoughts, you remind me of myself as far as being a good guy but not on tonight's menu. I mean to say women want good men as well as men wanting good women. My experience taught me that term means a person who can be controlled or manipulated. Moreover, your kindness taken for weakness. Every man, when pushed, has the ability to become thuggish. I was pushed by a woman and now have to repair my life after taking responsibility for my actions. It's been tough finding employment and second chances to prove I'm safe for society. What does this have to do with you? It has a lot because you are young and goin somewhere in your life. You're attracted to a woman who is damaged goods and not wanting to be saved. You are preparing to become Captain Save 'Em by your interest in her and providing, like aspirin, temporary relief from her situation. She is not strong willed and has allowed this person to over take her and bully her life. All you will become is an outlet to get her through each night she is in prison. Inmates get yard time to get relief from the suffering and work is hers. Yes she is attractive and you obviously have conversation of interest for her, but she is in captivity by this "thug". He negatively fulfilling her but destroying her self esteem and womanhood. The good guy provides relief and has to clean up this "thug's" mess. No different than a good woman trying to restore a shattered man. I like to use the burnt toast theory in which we tend to throw burnt toast away before trying to salvage and eat it. The toast is still edible once you scrape off the damage and make breakfast complete. It's the same way in relationships. We've arrived at a place in relationships to either tolerate or walk away from past baggage. Some suitors can be saved while others are meant to be left alone. No who you are getting involved with and not just wanting to satisfy a notch on the penis. Dating is like gambling in which we take a chance on winning after spending an abundance trying to get it or accepting the losses and moving on. Choose wisely....
Most women want a man that can be both.... We want the bad ass guy and we want the good guy, but we want you to know when to be that bad ass and Mr. Banks. If you are Mr. Banks all the time she will never notice you. It's not about growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, it's about being that all in one. If you can't be that all in one guy your wasting your time trying to get her to notice you... Show her that there more to you than Mr. Banks. Let her see you off the clock. Everybody is universal off the clock, well I hope you are. Because like I just said if you can't be universal you can give up on ever getting to know any better then what you already know her...
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Good Guy,
ReplyDeleteI believe the other ladies on the blog have answered your question very well. I have chosen to go in a different direction after reading your synopsis. I don't think that it is always just about the "bad boy image" itself but that there are deeper reasons as to why ladies are with someone like that. You mentioned several things in your story that raised red flags pointing to the fact that she may not be happy with her situation at home. It sounds like she is not comfortable in her relationship hence her attitude when she arrives to work and the change in it at the end of the day when it is time for her to return home. You also mentioned that she responded to you with "you would never understand" when you tried to get her to open up. I think with her the question is "what is really going on in her home and/or why is she staying in that situation"? She may very well be in an abusive relationship (as the coworkers suspect) that she cannot seem to muster up the courage to leave. Women stay in those relationships usually because of insecurities, fear, feelings that they are not worthy of someone better that would treat them right plus they become mentally sick like the abuser. My point is that some ladies think that a man with a bad boy image is the only kind of guy they deserve and can get because of the previously mentioned reasons. Plus they may have been mistreated by all the men in their lives as they were growing up so they accept this behavior as normal since they don't know any differently.
Kinda like all men seek "a lady in the street but a freak in the bed," women tend to seek almost opposite. A gangsta in the street but mr prince charming at home. It's a tough pill to swallow but I believe the right woman will treasure ur "good guy" image.
ReplyDeleteI thank you all for your responses. I don't even understand why I am so magnetically drawn to her. She just has a kind spirit and a look all her own. She's a paralegal and I think her dream is to go on to law school too, but from what I gather, there may be circumstances at home that's blocking her efforts to live out her dream. I have never tried to be something I am not because I feel people should accept you for who you are. I feel like the character Tyler Perry played in Mr. Deeds and the lady with the child is my paralegal friend. She is shy and timid but I want to hold her hand and tell her, trouble don't last always. I pray about her situation each night when I go to sleep and I was close to asking her to come to this blog for answers but I didn't know if that was too forward. What do you think Mr. Anatomy of a Cheater?
ReplyDeleteMay I interject something. You say you pray about her situation each night. Do you take time to listen to see what God may speak to you in regards to what you pray? Ask Him what you should do. Jesus said in John 10:27 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me". Take time to listen and I truly believe God will give you direction and maybe even insight to what is going on.
ReplyDeleteIf u interested n her, pursue her as though she is not involved.(as long as she isn't married) Don't focus on what is go n on @ her home, allow her 2 deal w/that situation on her own. Just present yourself 2 her as would anyone else. Take her out, invite her over etc. Show her what u r about, then she will figure out what is best. Let me say this specifically 2 your question.....women don't necessarily like "bad boys", "bad boys" just have a different approach, they pursue. They know what they want, then go after it. Whereas, good guys (kinda) b more fatherly, telling u what u should do, what u need 2 do, etc...that's not sexy.....less words is better, action speaks louder, show her what u r about, make yourself appealing...."bad boys" can get the women, but n the long run can't keep them, "good guys" can't get the women but knows how 2 keep them......both types can learn something from each other.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Good Guy,
ReplyDeleteIn life, we all go through exactly what you are. You achieve a certain level or you act a certain way and you may not be accepted in this circle or that. Well, in your case, I don't think it has anything to do with her liking good guys or thugs, she just seems to be in a situation that is a bit beyond her control. Be a great listener, and if by chance she opens up, offer suggestions as to places that help people in her condition/situation. I would take the high road and back off trying to date her until she has the strength inside to reach out for something new. Life has taught me that when we try to help those who don't typically see an end to their own problem, often times we come down to the level where we worked so hard to overcome. You don't know what's going on in her home, or the type of person she is but you don't want to get thrown into a hornet's nest without the appropriate gear. IF you are dead set on dating her, do more watching and researching than talking. Not until she's available should you make your move.
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
Open up and let her know you would like a chance to show her what a real man is all about...seems like your head and heart in the right place!!! Just make your move and see where it goes!!! All real woman want a real man that has goals and dreams...
ReplyDeleteOftentimes we overlook our true reasons during their seasons. What I mean is, you say you pray for this person every night,right? Have you ever taken a moment to ponder whether God has placed you in her path to show some guidance to the male in her life? It actually may be that your purpose in this situation is to show this boy how a real man should behave and how a real man should treat a woman with such a kindred spirit as you say she has. It is my opinion that if this guy doesnt step up then this may be the solidifying foundation for you and she to begin on. We ad human dont always take time to reflect on things that don't seem to satiate our own desires, but the world is so much bigger than I, it is made up of us. I know my opinion is just my opinion, but you never know how much you can do for another person by just reaching out to them. Not knowing what is going on in her home can be a good thing should you decide to reach out. And you never know, she may have some issues in relationships that may not be comfortable to you should you decide to pursue your advancements towards her. All im saying is, you are thinking with your eyes, but they seem to be a tad bit scaled over around her. I sat this because in my lady marriage, all of our mutual friends still consider me to be a sweet charming caring individual with good morals and positive goals. But what they don't know is that I was the abuser in that relationship. Never mind that I felt that this was my option and not walking away immediately when things went awry. So, like I say, maybe this guy needs a real male role model to help him on his journey through manhood. It just may be Gods purpose for you on your journey.
ReplyDelete(Forgive my typos, I'm using a not so smart smart phone:-)
Kimberly, Jacklyn, Cindy, Lindsey, Mandy, Babegirl, Tanya, and Simone.....(I think I got all of you) I know you are all ladies from all walks of life and that was the reason I sent the question here. Mr. Anatomy has opinions from everywhere. I don't know if I am trying to save her, or if I genuinely want to have something with her but I do know she don't deserve to be as distant as she is sometimes. I haven't tried to pry into her life because I respect her silence but I can't help but wonder what's behind that silence. You all are ladies, like I said, so, as ladies and if this was you, what would your approach be to help soften the heart of her and even her boyfriend. I am a God-fearing man and maybe you are right Kimberly, maybe I am supposed to help her man see some different things in her. I have invited her to come to this blog so I now know she is reading what I am saying. It was no secret that I liked you, I just want you to possibly share the pain you are experiencing at home and let some of these ladies help you. Nobody knows you or even where we live or work, I beg you, be honest and talk to these people. I went back and looked at a bunch of Anatomy of a Cheater topics and they don't turn anyone away. Get some help and let it start here! (I just passed your desk, so I see you reading the blog) (smile)
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Good-Guy,
ReplyDeleteI think the conversation has turned a bit. It's a little more serious than just having a crush on a lady at the office. Let your friend know, or if she is reading this, I will forgo my selected question that starts my weekend and I will give her my blog from tomorrow through the weekend. Relationships are partnerships and if she wants to anonymously speak about anything going on in her home, I have some very dedicated bloggers who will not only blog with her here, but will provide follow up private conversation via phone. Here at Anatomy of a Cheater, we tackle any question at any time with the hope of providing insight into the troubled mind, awkward relationship, or even gratification of self without bias or shame! My goal, limit the exposure to women and men of pain through my personal experiences. So far, we are living our mission! Ma'am, send me your entire scenario to Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com We will help you through it, if that is what you seek!
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
Most of the time we only think we are weak until we find our inner courage through letting go of our outward fears and accepting what our real selves say to us. Yes we hear with our hearts, and that is not wrong, but the heart does lie sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHey Kimberly Michelle
ReplyDeleteI want to grasp this opportunity to express my deepest appreciation for your contributions to this blog. You have been very consistent with your approach to each topic and well versed with your encouragement to women as well as your insights for this young mans' plight seeking his co-worker. I honor you as a woman who is at peace and held herself accountable. Continue to be a voice and light for those who are still traveling in darkness in order to gain their mental freedoms. Hugs and kisses. Thank you for being who you have become.
Mr. Anatomy of a Cheater, I have sent my information to you like you asked. I do have some problems but I have kept this to myself for 8 years because I have to keep myself and my child safe. I won't go into huge details, but you will understand from what I wrote the pain that I am in because of my home life. How can my boyfriend call me his Princess, but treat me so bad. I'm looking forward to the comments from your bloggers. Thank you for making me the weekend's focus.
ReplyDeleteByron, thank you! Your post to me is one of the reasons I continue to share my pain with others who are going through similar situations. If we can't learn from our pain we will continue to self destruct our lives. We are our biggest fear. I've learned that in order to grow you have to glow. The light you reflect is the light you inflect. Thank you Hurchel for making it possible.
ReplyDelete