Dear Mr. Anatomy,
I am the "Shawty" in your last question that my 'soon to be lawyer friend' wrote you about. I was flattered that he likes me because when you are in a bad relationship, sometimes, it just helps to smile. He and I work together and I do like him and his honesty but I am in no position to start a new relationship. I have been with my boyfriend off and on for about 8 years and we have a son. My boyfriend owns several (not gonna say it) franchises and when we met, he was still married but has since divorced. Although he carries himself as a Thug at times, he is truly a great businessman. The problem, he can't keep his hands to himself. Some days are great, but then there are other days that if I look at him wrong, he says, "I know you ain't catching an attitude, because you know I have a remedy for that." My family has alienated me, my friends stay far away and I try to put on a happy face daily. My life is just seriously complicated. I guess I need a question, so here it is ........
"How can a man call you his "Princess" but fight you like his enemy in the streets?" I don't deserve this life because I am a good person, but I'm all my son has, so I remain steadfast through prayer!
Ma'am, from this point forward, I will address you as Ms. Princess and your boyfriend as the "mean, ugly, Ogre." You are in a dogfight, and if you remain, things may turn for the worst. I will turn this over to my bloggers and then offer an opinion much later in the process! Thanks for bringing your question to our Forum!
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
Williamshjr@anatomyofacheater.com (send US your Questions anonymously)
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It seems to me that if u are all your son has that you would have a vested interest in preserving your life. Therefore you need to get out of this COMPLICATED LIFE and since he owns SEVERAL franchises do the simple thing and let CHILD SUPPORT do what it does that's the best thing you can do for your son GET OUT!
ReplyDeleteMs. Princess, YOU GOT TO GET OUT...... and let me just tell you why! My best friend in the whole world was an undercover abuser to his wife. People thought it was going on, but never truly investigated it because they wanted to stay in their own business. Well, we buried her last year and he is now in prison!!! MY point, you can save 3 lives just by gaining some support and courage and getting out of this situation. A lot of people talk, but I tell you what, MR. Anatomy, I will use your donation tab to send her a few dollars to start her journey forward. Please see to it that she gets it and buy a bus ticket, train ticket, something to get you and your child out of there. It's NOT going to get better, in the end, there are always tears. You may think he loves you, but it's not love it's CONTROL. Leave now and save yourself. I challenge others to donate whatever you can to help this lady. This is serious!
ReplyDeleteMatthew- Atlanta
You r sending the message to yur son that it is okay to abuse women.....Not good
ReplyDeleteI don't think that my advice could be any better than Matthews. I will add this though, if you know that you are being abused, why do you stay? Is it the nice home, nice car, nice things and his bank account? Is your dignity for sale? Is your childs life for sale? Is your sanity not worth more than material things? I have a son and 3 adult aged daugters. My son was not happy in my home becausr my harvard educated lawyer exhusband was mean and verbally abusive. But I was mean and physically abusive. So who was wrong? We both were! Who suffered? My son. After years of being bounced back and forth between myself, his dad and my mom, I am left with a broken and rebellious 15 year old,man in,waiting and I only have myself to blame. But I am picking up the pieces of letting myself remain in such a volatile marriage for so long and helping my son to understand that although I cant give him all of the expensive material things he was used to getting, I can give him safety, very decent sheltering, clean and decent clothing, access to a decent education in a decent learning environment, good morals, love and access to God through prayer. It has not been easy I promise you! But it is getting easier. I had to stop and learn what he was going through. And that was hard trying to piece together stories over the years about the negativity that my mom instilled in him about me, the abuse that he went through from his stepmother, and the neglect that he experienced from his dad not properly dealing with his wife when she abused mt son and blatantly treated her children better and not equally. But I allowedmy son to go through all of this because I felt like I needed this husband and that I couldn't let go for a number of reasons. But you know, since I left, I've graduated from the top university in my city, ive moved into a bigger better home, I'mdoing what I love and I'm raising my son to love and trust God and to always be a leader and not a follower. Im giving him access to venues that will help him grow into a good man. Im helping him to understand that a good name is better than good money. It is a hard and lonesome road for me but I grin and bear it because I know that I am right. Although it sounds like you have a great spirit willing to hold your hand on your journey, you have to make the ultimate decision to stretch out your hand first and then take that first step out on your own journey. If when,you wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom and look into the mirror and you don't see a glowing reflection, you may need to change your inner bulbs because you can only reflect what you inflect. As always this is only my opinion, I don't know you, only the synopsis that you shared but I do know your pain and it can only remain if you let it. If I were in your shoes, I would get me a friend in the local attorney generals office and or police department, (male or female) and talk to them confidentially and bring them up to speed on my situation. Yes, they do that! And I would leave as soon as possible and make a better life for myself so that my son could have a better chance at being a better man than his father seems to be. It is true, CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE!
ReplyDeleteKimberly and Matthew thanks for your testimony.... Ms. "Shawty", no need for me to elaborate since our panelist have given insightful wisdom. My sister-in-law was in a controlling relationship. Google Kerry Bruce and see what he did to my in-law. She has since repaired herself and moved on but he is awaiting trial while locked up to be put away for good. Please listen and value your safety
ReplyDeleteI pray u just get away. So your son will have a mother. It only takes a second. An its a second that u cant afford to lose.
ReplyDeleteKimberly Michelle your words have me in tears because I see the same behavioral traits in my son. I often wake up and look in the mirror and I say today is the day I take the first step and that evening he comes home and for weeks he is a great human being, but just like hurricane season in New Orleans where I am from and use to live, you can bet the darkness is coming and when it does, it's ugly. To answer your question Monique, he say the reason we will NEVER get married is because without his last name, I can't touch anything. Each of the restaurants are in different corporations to keep him from losing them like he did when his wife left for the same abuse. This man is crafty and is always looking for ways to keep me out of his financial loop. He takes good care of me and my son and he sits on the deacon board at our church. I once told the pastor what was happening and he reprimanded him, and he beat the HOLY hell out of me, as he called it. I guess I am stupid like Tina Turner was with Ike, because I keep letting this happen. My therapist says I don't enjoy our life unless he has his hands on me. Yes, I would like to leave, but he says he will see to it my son will be here without me. I seem weak, but I am praying for the courage. Thanks to you all for your help and Mr. Anatomy, thanks for your donation and Matthew, Oh my God, bless you for the $250.00, you just don't know what it means to live around money and none of it comes to your hands!
ReplyDeleteBy the way Byron, I know all about that case, ironically, I stay close to the goings ON in my home city. That was a tragedy and I hope he gets his justice from Man and GOD.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that.
Let me ask you, does he pay all of the bills? And if so, do you get to keep your paycheck for yourself? I think I could offer you some suggestions that could really help you if you sincerely want to get out of this relationship. I have to say that your responses are typical of a person who is comfortable with a beating here and there as long as you get to keep up your lavish appearance. this just my outside observation of your comments, I could be wrong. I don't think so but I sincerely hope that I am wrong. Just know that if ever there comes a time when you truly desire help to get out of this situation with your son, I and the rest of the panel will be here to help in any way we can.
ReplyDeleteKimberly, I am not going to lie to you at all. I do get to keep my paycheck and I have grown comfortable in doing that. He does not require I pay anything and truly doesn't want me to work. I take my money and purchase everything for my son and the cars, house, vacation home, rental properties, and all his other goodies, are paid by him. On the outside, our appearances are of a happy couple but I live the life of Diary of a Mad Black Woman. He has other women that I am sure that are being paid and laid but I stay in my lane as he calls it and I can go months without an argument. I am being as open and candid as possible because you are right, I have been lured in by the lifestyle but I truly have to get out of here. For years, I was so afraid another woman would be blessed and live my good life, but after the last fight, I can't do this anymore. We were in Vail, CO skiing with 3 other couples. Things got so bad, I had to come home early because he was so afraid the others would see my injuries and he would be ashamed. I left in the midst of night and flew home with my son. I have probably said too much, but thanks to all of you for listening. Derna, I know my son shouldn't see this and that gives me the courage to do it this time. My sister says its a process and when it gets bad enough, my body and mind will be on the same accord. I pray constantly to my LORD and Savior Jesus Christ, and I know he hears my prayers. Thanks Toria for your prayers
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Princess,
ReplyDeleteThe bloggers here have given you a wealth of information, so I will add my assessment as well. First, understand this, your situation at home with your boyfriend won't get any better. IF you are waiting on a change, it will take something that affects his heart to make a change. Am I telling you that is not possible, NO, not saying that because all things are possible, but you have been going through this for 8 years, chances are a change is not on the horizon. When I say affect his heart, I meant a watershed incident where he is given the time to think and evaluate himself to understand why he puts his hands on you or why his level of anger is so bad. Normally, this change is associated with a loss of some kind, based on his arrogance or a negative reaction associated with a an action he initiated. The whole concept behind "Anatomy of a Cheater" is a self evaluation of my actions with individuals all over the world where I felt things I did could have been done differently. Now, my quest is to help others understand and evaluate their actions while in situations of love, relationships, lust, or infidelity created by these unions. Our goal is to help as many people as possible find that "Good" light within. Keep reading the feedback that is offered and hopefully something you see will assist you in your quest to understand a need for a change.
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world, but the best thing to do is get out... Hangin in there for the kid(s) doesn't make the situation any better bc children do sense tension and in the long run its better for all parties for you to beat him at his own game make him feel the unhappiness your feeling and leave him when you are at your happiest w you and your son and maybe a new significant other. Never settle for less than you deserve, this life is too short and tomorrow is never promised so you have to do what you gotta do to create your own true genuine happiness
ReplyDeleteYou have to get out now!! Before your son starts believing this is normal. Sometimes we try and stay in relationships for our children but are also sending our children the wrong message when we do that. We have to teach our children what is right even if this means being by ourselves.
ReplyDeleteSusan S.
Just as he fights you as a stranger treat him as a threat that you would encounter in a dark alley. Fight for your life to get away from him it only takes one hit to be dead forever then where would your son be? You say you have been praying, so you should EXPECT an answer. Not saying that the co worker is the answer but he could be that friend that you confide in that you not feel so alone in this world. You deserve better and can do better.
ReplyDeleteOk lil Mamma, looka here. What you do is get you some mace or pepper spray and don't let him kno you got it. When his ass start hittin on you, spray his ass in the eyes, but hell no, you aint stoppin there, take a baseball bat or a club and whoop that ass. The only way to be a mother#&$^ing abuser is to let him feel wah he givin out! i was a Army Ranger and they told us to take the enemy site away. if he can't see you, you can keep whoopin that ass until he tap out! Once you do that, you can stay in da house with him cause then he kno you mean som business. If dat don't work, call some of yo hard hittin cuz in tha streets, an give em about $50.00. I donating tha first $50 right now on this donate tab up there. Mr. anatomy make sure she get it and don't be skerd of this punk ass thug.
ReplyDeleteHoney are you kidding take your son and run as far as ur legs can carry u NO MAN should ever put his hands on you I would rather be homeless n the streets before I would ever stay with a man who beats me...love yourself enough to move on never ever settle for less than the best
ReplyDeleteMs Shawty
ReplyDeleteThe messages are sincere. Tha Don- been missing your insight playa and glad to see you still following. Appreciate you much. Thanks
Byron, sumtimes dont be knowin what to say, but i'm always here representin Mr. Anatomy down here in Miami. We got problem too. glad to Kno sumbody notice when I ain't here.
ReplyDeleteDear Broken Princess,
ReplyDeleteI too like Kimberly was in an abusive marriage. I remained for 8 years hoping and thinking he would change but he didn't. I have two sons from that marriage that was not unscathed from witnessing the behavior of their father. So like the others I bid you to leave and take up refuge with trusted family or friends as soon as you can. Kimberly said it best! While praying about what I could say to you that others have not already said I got a vision of a black heart with a bloody knife stuck deep in it. I asked God what this meant and I believe that He revealed to me that this was the condition of your boyfriends heart. The knife represents something that happened to him in his past and it may not be just one thing but never the less he has been wounded deeply in his past that has created this behavior in him. We are all products of the environment that we were raised in coming from both positive and negative experiences which creates our behavior as adults. Wounded people wound others, but healed people help heal others!!! Until this wound in his heart is dealt with and healed he will never change, he will continue to wound you and others. God can heal it but he has to be willing to allow God to pull out that symbolic knife so that the wound can heal. You will need healing as well to heal the wounds that he has caused you. I have not been led before to type out a prayer on here but I will proceed with one for you and boyfriend. Father God I first and foremost praise you for this blog and the opportunity to reach out over the electronic circuits to offer up a prayer. I praise You that Your love and power has no boundaries. I bring this couple before Your thrown of grace and mercy, I ask that You pour out Your peace, love and strength on Broken Princess and put her back together again so that she may do what needs to be done to get to safety. I ask that You intervene expediently on her and her son's behalf. I ask that you use her leaving as the catalyst for bad boys watershed experience as Hurchel mentioned so that he may get the healing he needs to become the man that You so desire him to be. He is not beyond redemption and we know that nothing is impossible through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. Your word says that we do not fight against flesh and blood but against powers of principalities and darkness so I ask that you send the warring angels to do that battle in that household and silence the foe and the enemy. You say that every knee shall bow at the name of Jesus so in Jesus name I command all the forces of the enemy be cast down in that house and the power of the Holy Spirit to rise up to be present in that home. Thank You Father God for Your wisdom and knowledge to be manifested in her mind and heart plus your strength and courage. Pour out Your love and mercy at on her at this very moment and give her encouragement knowing that You are in control. You knew she was going to be at this place at this very time in her life so it is no surprise to You. Give her that peace of knowing that there are intercessors praying for her but that the most powerful intercessor of all is Jesus and He sits at the Fathers right hand interceding for us 24/7. What an AWESOME thought!!! In the mighty name of Jesus Christ I pray, AMEN!!!
Wow....I haven't been on here in quite some time. My heart goes out to this lady, because she is at the hand labeled Love but defined by Abuse...Please leave...because any man that has to put his hand on you, 1. Is NOT a man...no matter how they define themselves to be one and 2. Love does not reside there. The only person that was beaten and died for us is Jesus...so we don't have to endure the same pain. Anyone that hurts you, can't help you, only hinder you, sweetheart. No amount of money, clothes, cars, vacation homes, etc. should be worth your sanity or your safety. It's time to reinvent yourself and get out while you are able to. Will keep you in prayer.... God Bless
ReplyDeleteTo everyone, thanks for your support and prayers. I thought it be fitting to give you an update. Last night when I got home, it was a normal Friday night after a long week. I got my son ready for bed and the fireworks started. He asked me why my passenger seat was pushed back from a normal position to the position of someone with long legs. I asked him why was he in my car and if there was something he needed that I could go get. He then told me I was being smart, and to answer his damn question with his hand around my neck. We were up against the kitchen island and I told myself I had had enough of this treatment. I asked him to let me go and he said not until I answer his question. I said I can barely speak with his hand wedged around my throat. He let me go and said I had 10 seconds to answer. I told him several of us went to lunch and since I had the larger vehicle, everyone rode with me. He said you don't have permission to be riding people around in that Range Rover because his name is on it. I replied, "you bought it for me last year for Christmas and I feel I can ride co-workers to lunch. He then hit me and I took the sugar bowl and threw sugar in his eyes. I took your advice Mr. Tha Don. I then hit him with black skillet and ran to get my son, and locked us in the safe room of our house to call the cops. Long story short, Mr. Big Money, as he calls himself is now in jail for the weekend. His lawyer just called and said he has worked a deal that if I say nothing happened, it was just a misunderstanding, he can get him out today..... I said, Hell NO and hung up the phone. Ladies, men, and especially you (lawyer friend) thanks for the courage. Cindy, thanks for the prayer, and Kimberly, you made me cry with your response. I didn't think I had the courage, but you strangers have truly made a difference in my life. God does hear prayers. The lawyer just sent me a text that read: If you are not cooperative, you know you will need to vacate the home before (MR. Big Money) gets out on Monday. Since you are not married, you are not entitled to anything! You might want to consider your options carefully and the lifestyle you have to leave behind.
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Princess,
ReplyDeleteLet me start by saying how sorry I am this is happening to you. No one should have to endure this type of treatment. However, I am sooo happy my bloggers and I have accepted your quest to become a better you! Today is just the first step into the rest of your life. NOW, It won't be easy and everything in you will tell you to go back, but you must forge ahead. This type of treatment rarely changes so stick to your gut and your faith! My bloggers have given you vivid details about the downside to this abuse and I appreciate how candid they have been. We want you to be alive to see your next birthday. He is probably sitting in jail thinking of how mad he is and what his next move will be. Be mindful of where his anger can take this situation, so plan your next steps carefully and work with the authorities and maybe even a battered women's shelter in your area to help counsel you back to a stable mind and soul. The Anatomy of a Cheater Franchise is here to help you in any way possible and please feel free to send us updates on your accomplishments, your fears, your hardships and whatever else you would like to speak about.
Good Luck and God Bless you! Please DON'T let him blame YOU for how this ends!
Mr. Anatomy = H. Williams, MBA
Ms. Princess,
ReplyDeleteYou made the first step now while he is sitting in jail thinking of all the things that he is going to do to you when he gets out because first he didn't believe that you would do that to him I pray that you are getting all your things in place to be gone before he gets out on Monday. Get you and your son the hell out of there NOW while you can or are you going to take the worst beating ever because you sent him to jail. I would hate to read about another woman had to loose her life to the hands of her (boy}friend. Please show your son that this is not the life for the both of you don't let material things keep you there. You can live without him. I pray that you and your son will be okay when all is said and done.
Well I am not sure of the laws in your state but in Kansas he would have to take u to court to get u out. I would sell everything and move me and my son some place safe. Thank god you are safe and trying to make a change for the better.
ReplyDeleteIt always pains me to hear of someone being abused. I think this was your confirmation that it is now or never for you to leave on your own. I would use his lawyers text to help me keep full custody of my son by showing it to my lawyer and following that up with the bar association to have him censured at the least. Next I would call up all the available males in my family and have them come where I am asap and help me move my things. I would only have contact with dude through my attorney, period. He would not get to see my/our soon until he had gotten some professional counseling and completed a rigorous anger management program. I think you have proven that you have some fightback in you, now you have to prove to your son that you have some forge on in you. Things will get better from here if you stand your ground on your own turf. Go get you some turf girl!
ReplyDeleteUpdate:
ReplyDeleteThanks for everyone's kind words, prayers, and helpful instructions. I have left the area and I am safe. I packed as much as I could and have driven south to my (lawyer friends' family's ranch). This is the 2d day after the ordeal and I am still feeling confident about my decision. Kimberly, I did contact an attorney and he said what my boyfriends attorney attempted to do, while unethical, it's not illegal. He said, as you, contact the bar association here in GA and explain to them his actions. My friend at work has really been supportive and I completely appreciate him. A lot of men say they will help, but run when the need arises, I can seriously report, he has stuck by my side and has requested the help of the partners at our office. They say it's an ugly mess, but I was able to take the Range Rover because my name is on the title with his because it was a gift. As I enter uncharted waters, I have to give thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but I must equally say, Thank you Mr. Anatomy of a Cheater, without your bloggers and their heartfelt stories, I don't know if I would have found the courage. Somehow my boyfriend has found a phone and is texting me left and right with his "I'm Sorry(s) and I will get help promises but I am through. I looked at my face and I am so tired of having to cover up my bruises with make up. God Bless you all and I promise to continue to follow your blog and purchase your book Mr. Anatomy. I will tell all of my friends to purchase a copy. You truly make a difference in the lives of others.
Ms. Princess Still !
Happy to hear you are safe and moving on with your left...do nt give him any more power change your number if you have to cut off all contact with him tell to talk to your lawyer and never ever go back no matter how much he begs u u may not get a 2nd chance to leave a live. Too many go back and end up dead not the life I want for you or your son he needs more than ever now
ReplyDeleteMs Princess, I am so glad you made the best decision for you and your son may the blessing of the lord be with you always and Kimberly Michelle is a gem(lots of wisdom) keep it up Kimmie you are a blessing too many
ReplyDeleteMs. Princess, if you have OnStar or GPS stuff on your car, you need to disconnect it so they can't track you. Please disconnect, do not turn off. You might want to call the company and let them handle it and explain to them why because if not he may report the vehicle stolen and you sure don't need them telling him your location. Also, did you take the computer you were on so he can't track the sites where you been? You don't need him finding out you went south to a family friend's ranch. If the cell phone is in his name please stop using it because he can go back online and look at the bill and find out what area you are calling from. Some companies offer this service. Also call the company and set up a new password that only you know. Change all passwords he knew to something different. These are just things I thought about while reading the blog good luck and God bless.
ReplyDeleteSusan S.
Thank you and keep safe....we love you and wanted the best for you and your son.....God is always leading.....thank you again for leaving
ReplyDeletePraise God for His strength, courage, grace, mercy and guidance that He extended to you as well as your obedience to Him!!! I am so proud of you dear and thank God for being with you always. This is the beginning of the rest of your life for the positive. I am excited for you and what is next for you. I believe that God is going to do some amazing things in this next season ahead of you provided you continue down this road you have chosen. Stand firm and steady!!! Praise God also for your lawyer friend!! May the wisdom of the Lord forever abound with both you and may the goodness of God surround you in abundance!!!
ReplyDelete