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Mr. Anatomy, I have a dilemma and after reading some of your past post, I am almost certain you and your bloggers can help me understand the direction I should take. I am dating one of the Ministers from my church and things have gotten pretty serious. He was there for me when my husband received a Federal charge about 8 years ago and had to go away. My husband took a charge for our family owned daycare, and didn't take me or my sisters through the process. He decided the "buck" would stop with him. I have been visiting him twice a month since he's been gone. What he doesn't know is I have divorced him because I didn't think it was right to date and still be a married woman. The Minister and I are madly in love, but I don't want to be seen as a wife that lost love for her husband, but 7 years has passed and I just don't have that love I once did. I have been struggling with how to tell him this for the past 2 years, but I can't procrastinate any longer. I pick him up next Thursday to take him to our local halfway house. My Question is .......
"How do I tell my ex-husband I have moved on and don't want to be married to him any longer? He and I will always be friends and share our son who is now 10."
Ma'am, first and foremost, thanks for bringing your question to our Forum. Now, while I never judge and always keep my answers above board, I have to prepare you for the direction my bloggers my take. They are a pretty vocal bunch and things tend to get opinionated. With that said, I will address you as Ms. "Confused" from hence forward. Please remain available to answer any questions my bloggers may have.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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Girl you done fkd up royally!!! That's all I can say!! That preacher done screwed you in more than one way!!!
ReplyDeletewow umm idk how you would go about telling someone, that threw away their life for you and gave up their freedom, that you left the marriage a long time ago... because this honestly would p me off. I think you shouldn't have waited so long to tell him, because I'm sure hes expecting to come home to his wife and son and pick up on the life he left... why would the minister even allow it to go this far? Did u go to him for advice and he catch you at a vulnerable time???
ReplyDeleteI will chime in later when i get off work this is a HOT MESS!
ReplyDeleteI try to never call woman out of their names but with this I have to start my comment off with BITCH PLEASE!!! How can you sit there and try to fix this ratchetness up? There is nothing romantic about this at all. What made my mouth drop was NOT the part about you being involved with a minister at your church who had been there for you while your HUSBAND was a away on a federal charge. Because just because someone says they are a minister does not mean they were called. He is a man consumed with lust in the church screwing temple prostitutes that hide behind hallejuahs. What made my mouth drop was when you said you did not think it was right to date while you were married. How about it was not right to lust after another man while you were married. How about it was not right to betray your husband while you were married. How about it was not right to leave him while he was locked up like a caged animal for the benefit of you and your family. While you are congregating with your "minister" review the scripture that tells you that you will reap what you sow. This is so morally bankrupt. Wouldnt they have delivered papers to him while he was in jail. Maybe he already know and because he is probably not the man he went in being he is waiting to choke the shit out of you when he sees you face to face. Just pitiful. Yes I am commenting out of anger because you are dead wrong for this one. What are you going to church for? Dont they teach morals and the consequences of sin where you attend church? Or is it all just a game for you?
ReplyDeleteTell him from long distance.....j/k. You're not telling him you don't want to be married anymore. You are telling him that you are not married anymore. Don't assume he will want to be your friend after you let him know. At least not right away. Im sure others want to know what the charge was against the day care. Was he at fault alone, at all, or did he take a bullet for something you did or didn't do? Regardless I suggest you address the issue with him very delicately, if in person then in a public area. The only thing he needs to know is that you divorced him. Make sure he has some support system present for him to consult with that does not include you or the minister friend. And please don't tell him in front of your son. Good luck!
ReplyDelete1st off how the hell do you get a divorce without the other party being notified. 2nd how can you look him in the face everytime you go see him just pretend everything is okay for 2 years this is a man that you claim to love and took a wrap for you and you're not woman have to tell him you moved on. Then you have the balls to wait until a week before he gets to try and tell him. You are so wrong for that you should have told him a long time ago and you want to remain friends with him. Wow that's friggin crazy!!!
ReplyDeleteMa'am you are so wrong in a thousand ways.. This man took a charge for you and your family... Are you crazy?? That's loyalty and honor. What about this poor man's life? While he was still in love with you in jail, you have fallen out of love with him for a jack leg?Any honorable minister ordained by God knows better. Remember thou shall not commit adultery still applies..Good luck with that one sweetie, because YOU, may end up in the paper. (Obituary section) & your poor son may end up and orphan. You are selfish!!! I'm sorry but you are..
ReplyDeleteLadies, I understand the harsh tones most of you have taken, but put yourself in my shoes. The Minister and I did not start to keep company with one another until about 2 years ago after I divorced my husband. I know I am wrong but I deserve to be happy and I didn't want to tell him that bad news while he was away. I always remained positive. Those 7 years were hard for him and who was I to bring him down further. The Minister said it was my decision and mine alone to make that call. Some of you asked how I was able to divorce him without him knowing, well, in my state, by him being in prison, that is separation and there is NO signature needed on his side. The run an announcement in the local paper, and as long as there is no answered, prison is like abandonment. My Minister was always supportive and positive and contrary to what some of you may believe, our church and its services got me through this hard time. Leslie, you asked what the charge was for, well, my husband was a silent partner in the daycare hence an owner. He was responsible for what the daycare did or didn't do. Well, the crime was extending benefits of child care assistance after a person's benefit ran out. We just made a huge mistake and he took the lead role and took responsibility. I will always love him for protecting his family and mine. I didn't mean for this to happen but time was served and all is better now. I plan on helping him get back on his feet and helping him regain the trust of the community. I will be there for him. I'm just confused!
ReplyDeleteI did read a "we" in there. Forgive my harsh language from earlier. But I still see where you too were responsible for the crime but he accepted responsibility for it all. You may have needs and desires as did he while he was locked up. This is not about any of us bloggers pointing blame and judging. Its about you admitting to yourself the real sacrifice that was made for you and how he will feel you failed him through it all. You have to humble yourself before you go to him and tell him. You found your peace (piece), now it is your responsibility not to take his away. Yes in most states find that sufficient grounds for divorce. But there was no grounds spiritually or morally. So like Miss Catrina said adultry still applies in the eyes of God and the minister knows. I've been in shoes that looks like yours. A couple of pairs. So I can say that you acted selfishly at best. So back to this man. What are you confused about? Do you want someone to say you did the best thing for you? You are not the subject here. You did you. Your ex husband is the one who needs to be addressed. Don't make excuses when you go to him. I promise you he doesn't want to here how hard it was for you.
ReplyDelete(Hear) so you didn't tell him 2 years ago. What are you waiting on now?
ReplyDeleteLeslie, I thought as women, some of you would understand. Can you imagine how hard life was when my husband was gone. I went years without the touch of a man. I truly loved my husband, but I fell weak to my own needs and while I don't seek sympathy, I do expect compassion from women who no how hard it is as a single mother on ONE income!
ReplyDeleteMs Confused
DeleteWomen understand the plight of having sexual desires WOMEN also have the understanding of self maintenance. What we DONT understand is how you treated a seemingly good man that fell on the sword for you and your family. Being hot in the tail is natural, but doing a man that by your own words protected you and your sisters from jail time the way you did is not. I guess the old saying there is no honor amongst theives really is true in this case.
Ask yourself, if the shoe was on the other feet could you justify your husbands actions? Could you forgive him and want his friendship? Could you be understanding that he could not sacrifice sex with another person while you sacrificed your freedom (loosing minutes, hours, days, weeks, months years for 8 lonely ass years tha you will never see again)? I dont think you could. There are alot of women who have gone without the touch of a man while raising CHILDREN on one income that would not have done this. Grow up this was just reprobate.
With a "friend" like you he will have no need for enemies cause you already stabbed him back!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt just seems to me that you are an expert at ducking and diving responsibility. First you were fine with your husband taking the full blunt of the charges. Second you hide behind a loophole of the law in your state, when you said "in my state, by him being in prison, that is separation and there is NO signature needed on his side. The run an announcement in the local paper, and as long as there is no answered, prison is like abandonment." when taking that approach when you knew that he would not be able to see the announcement but he would see YOU at least twice a month. Thirdly you are hiding behind the minister said.... When are you going to truly OWN your role in the destruction of this man's life? Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone has a right to have the life that they choose. However no one has the RIGHT to benefit from someone else's destruction while telling them and the world that they love that person.
ReplyDeleteOkay this is a very sticky situation. I am not sure if you stated why you were not happy is it because your husband went to jail and was not there to full filling your needs? Welll it is the Husband's duty to Give Honor to his wife. His duty is to provide food, clothing, shelter, and defense and Protect, hmmmm sounds familiar sounds like that is what was done on your ex- husband's part DEFEND & PROTECTED you. He defended you and Protected you and yours so that you would not have to be locked up. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it yes, looks like your Husband also did that as well for you. Looks like his gave his life for you 8yrs of it. Sacrifice self-giving is the essence of LOVE. Self-sacrificing also involves giving up things in this case he gave his life 8yrs of it for you and yours. If the so called Minister was really in the spirit and not in SELF preservation, these things should have been displayed to you to get you thinking, like WOW this MAN really does love me. And to do your paper work while he was in jail, knowing that LAW that was real wrong to me of course he is not going to maybe read a paper because he is locked up that was very sneaky and wicked to me was that just planned by you or was the Minister also involved in the act? I just say " do onto others as you would have them do unto you, because if you don't
ReplyDeleteDearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. Ijs. I really hopes this helps! Not hear to Judge because I am not Perfect no one is but GOD!
No one is perfect. We have all done our dirt. But are you looking for some one to say its okay? If you are wrong and you said you were, then you are wrong. Can one person on this blog stand up and say they would do the same thing, please? Even if someone did they aren't going to go around asking for people to say its alright. Go to God for that. The question on this blog was "if leaving you is wrong what is right?" The answer - staying by your side through thick and thin. The other question was "how do I tell my exhusband I have moved on?" The answer - very carefully. We (the bloggers) were not wronged by you and you have stirred enough emotions just by your statements. Imagine for a moment what you will stir in him when he is told.
ReplyDeleteOK, I have had just about enough of this. I was sitting back, just reading and wasn't gonna say anything but you are asking, so here it is: YES, I have had a husband, or let's just say "my friend" LOL go up the river for a while and it was for far more than your husband did. My "friend" was in Sanitation here in New York and like in the Sopranos, they took their medicine when it was handed down. YES, I had a little boyfriend, I will not lie, but I told my "friend" when I visited him, hey, you gone for 10 years, Momma gotta EAT! He understood, and our agreement was I would be there to pick him up and resume our life without even talking about the past. I had a few men in those years, but I never lost sight of what my MAN had sacrifice for us. Honesty is always the best way to go, and old Preacher Man should have at least taught you that!!!!
ReplyDeleteMs. Erma - New York
No one is perfect. We have all done our dirt. But are you looking for some one to say its okay? If you are wrong and you said you were, then you are wrong. Can one person on this blog stand up and say they would do the same thing, please? Even if someone did they aren't going to go around asking for people to say its alright. Go to God for that. The question on this blog was "if leaving you is wrong what is right?" The answer - staying by your side through thick and thin. The other question was "how do I tell my exhusband I have moved on?" The answer - very carefully. We (the bloggers) were not wronged by you and you have stirred enough emotions just by your statements. Imagine for a moment what you will stir in him when he is told.
ReplyDeleteI really don't think it would be wise for BOTH you and your NEW husband to go together, because to me that would seem like the new Husband is like HAHA, she is mines now ALL up in his face not a good thing to go together especially when he did 8yrs come on now we have to be a little more WISER now, you never know how ones mind would be once they find certain things out they just might SNAP out.. Do it by yourself. Ijs No no one is perfect i just admitted that not by a LONG shot.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ms. Erma.
ReplyDeleteI guess what we are all tying to say her is a REAL woman would have kept her dirt under her skirt.
ReplyDeleteAmen Ms Erma!!! And you bet not take dat damn preacher wit you to pick him up unless you want him to go right back to the pen for killing bof and yes I said BOF YALL ASSES!!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Confused:
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't condone what you did or how you handled it I am not here to judge you either! We have all made mistakes. As Jesus said to those that were going to stone a women for her adultery, "those that are without sin step up and cast the first stone" but when he looked they all had walked away. Yes, I do agree that there was some very poor decisions made all around but your question is:
How do I tell my ex-husband I have moved on and don't want to be married to him any longer?
First thing, don't even think about taking your new Beau with you to give your ex the news. Bad idea!!!! It is to my understanding that halfway houses are a stepping stone, for those that have been incarcerated, to ease back into society. Therefore they should have a counselor on staff or a case manager assigned to your husband that you should talk to BEFORE you pick up your ex and tell that person the whole story. That counselor will need to know all this information anyway in order to help your ex deal, that is their job. Ask the counselor/caseworker if they would act as a mediator so you are not alone with your ex as you reveal what you have done and your future plans. I trust that you have already ask God for forgiveness and you need to ask your ex as well if that opportunity arises!
I believe it would have been best to tell him while he was locked up for your own safety.
ReplyDeleteMr. Anatomy, I truly thank you for your advice and vivid directions as to how to handle my ex-husband. My emotions are all over the place and I wish I would have consulted you over 2 years ago. While I do love and respect my Minister friend, I now know I made a huge mistake that will hurt my ex deep in his heart. I am so confused, but you have given me hope and for that, I certainly appreciate you. Ms. Erma, your words ran right through me, and I can hear my deceased mother in you. That was powerful, thank you. Anonymous, looking back, that was the best approach, but I just couldn't bring myself to hurting him after all he had endured, while he was behind bars. Cindy, I have taken your advice and reached out to the receiving counselor at the halfway house and they have instructed me just as Mr. Anatomy has, to have a conversation while we are in transition and then us both sit down with the counselor and express our feelings once we arrive. They asked me if I fear him and honestly, I don't. He is very mild mannered and my son will be there too. Wish me luck.
ReplyDeleteThere is no compassion on this blog for you. Newsflash for you and it’s sad to say, but most Black Women ARE already single and on one income, so that means absolutely nothing, we have been doing that for years..... When you were at the point you realized that you were no longer in love with him, that was the point you should have went to see him and let him know like a woman should, that you wanted a divorce. When you get married to a person, especially when they take a serious charge for you and your family, you give up the I for us…and that is what he did. Now this man has to come home, to a lie. In his mind, he is still married to the woman, which he pretty much laid 8yrs of his life down for. This is a sad way to repay this man. And the man you call a minister, wolves still run deep in sheep packs in the pulpit…Both of ya’ll gonna burn hell’s gates up…Karma is a bitch….better make sure she is beautiful…
ReplyDeleteDon't wish You Luck with the Preacher? U kidding that man took a Federal Charge for You. SACRIFICED his Freedom so You! You are Scandalous in the name of the Lord. Be a WOMAN and tell Him. You probably was the one person he thought he could turn to.
ReplyDeleteDear Confused:
ReplyDeleteI would like to commend you for acknowledging that you have made a mistake. That is the first key to moving toward healing in yourself, your husband and in your relationship with him as well as God. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you realize that you still love your husband and would like for that relationship to work. God is in the business of restoring what has been broken so don't lose hope. The consensuses on this blog is that, yes, you made a big mistake and that has been voiced but now it is time to move past that and press into God to see what is next. God forgives and once you have repented He has forgiven you and remembers your sin no more so don't allow yourself to be guilt ridden which will slow down your healing process. The truth will set you free and you all will have a new beginning. I don't know what that will entail because of all the hurt but God knows so put your trust in Him. Move forward courageously in the Lord and He will give you the strength to endure the consequences! My prayers are with you!!
Ms. Confused,
ReplyDeleteJust a quick note. With what you are facing this week, please be sure and update Mr. Anatomy and the bloggers once the smoke has cleared, and your ex has been able to digest what you have laid in his lap. Good Luck and our prayers are with you.
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA
Ms. Confused,
ReplyDeleteTell us about your husband. What type of man is he? How does he think? What do you think he will say about this situation?
Mr. Anatomy of a Cheater,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your continued concern about my well being. I will be sure to come on your blog Thursday or Friday of next week and update you on my status and how the transition was from the prison to the half way house. Cindy, I truly love my husband, but I am no longer IN Love with him! There is a huge difference. Mr. Anatomy's name for me is perfect, I am so confused with my direction for the future. My son asked me the other day, "Is my daddy gonna live with us, or are we moving in with the Minister. I feel like a true failure because of my choices. Anonymous, my man is a great person and I can't really see him going off or hurting me, but he loves his family and looking back, I may have ruined things for the passion I had with my new lover. I think he will be upset, but as adults I pray we can get passed this!