Mr. Anatomy,
I know you have probably answered this question 1000 times but I want to relate it to my unique situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years and on Monday we close on our house and become permanent residents together. My mom is livid and is telling me NOT to move in with him unless he puts a ring on my finger. I feel by moving in with him, he will marry me and it's really not that big of a deal because we are in love. I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 42. He had a nasty divorce so he is very touchy about marriage and I understand. My Question is....
Is there any reason I shouldn't move ahead with the plans we have for the rest of our lives?
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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Moving in with him will not urge him to marry you any quicker or to marry you at all. However, the arrangements could benefit you both finacially speaking. Please understand nothing is permanent. Just like you are buying the house together, you can sell it together as well. As for your mother... love and respect your mother, respect her opinion and allow her to have one. But unless she is paying your bills or taking care of your children or supporting you in some other way, her opinion is just that, her opinion. I am not for nor against shacking up. To each his own. The only reasons I can see why you should not move forward (and you have not made these apparent) is if YOU do not feel you should move in with him without a ring or if you do not believe him to be financially responsible. Buying a house is a little like marrying someone. It is a taken-on responsibility bound by contract. You do not want to be bound to somone contractually if they will hurt your current situation, whether you are in love or not. Love is an emotion better felt when it is shared out of will and not out of force. Buying a house is not a plan for the rest of your life, its a plan to buy a house. Be prepared for the great possibility that this man will never ask you to marry him and decide if being with him with out marital bonds is good enough for your relationship. I wish you the best of luck in making sound decisions...~LKJordan
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I have been in that exact same situation and it didn't end right. My boyfriend and I purchased a house together and immediately after moving in together, things started to change. We were arguing, saying mean things that were totally inappropriate. At the worst, we were both trying to live a normal life as friends and roommates. I was so pissed when I heard him having sex with his new boo. That horror lasted for 6 years and we finally sold the house about 4 months ago. This is what I didn't think of, moving in and buying a house with someone you are not married to does not have any contingency plan. He use to say, "I am not taking a woman to a hotel when I own a house; DEAL with it!"
ReplyDeleteS. Mendoza * California
Dear Ms. Understanding,
ReplyDeleteWhile I never try to change a person's mind when they have it set on what they are trying to achieve; since you asked, I must say I completely agree with your Mom! If a man can't make you his wife, then he's not trying to make you his "Life!" Some men like taking the short cuts. I would ask the question that everyone around you are itching to ask, "Why hasn't he at least given her a engagement?" Never move in with the hopes of things changing. I know a couple right now that had NO plan. When they got married, they lived in separate homes in separate states. Fast forward 9 years of marriage, NOTHING has changed. He sees her about 3 maybe 4 nights a week. Talk about being the Married Bachelor. When she asked Mr. Anatomy for his advice, I simply said, "The way you start, is typically the way you finish!"
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA
Being honest, HE WILL NEVER MARRY YOU! Why should he and he is already getting all the perks of marriage without the legal attachment
ReplyDeleteI also want to ask, what "plans" do "you two" have for the rest of your lives? Are you ok with possibly always being the gf, because that is a possibility here
ReplyDeleteI havent commented on this post because I dont understand the reason for the post. She has obviously made up her mind that she is right in all of her in love 27 year old thinking. Mom has live, loved and lost and gained alot of wisdom along the way. Tomorrow is Monday you go to the closing table for one of the biggest investments of your life, too bad you dont value THE biggest investment YOURSELF. Make this man be responsible to YOU and not hold you accountable for the ghost of his past. You had NOTHING to do with his past heartaches dont let him create future ones for you.
ReplyDeleteToday is the day of my closing and I have read what everyone has said and discussed it with my boyfriend. He has a very uneasy feeling because he said he will marry me, but on his time. He said the purchase of the house today is a step in our future and I shouldn't be questioning the path that he has laid out. After speaking to my mother and spending time with her this weekend, she has convinced me to postpone the closing for just one week and consider everything that is placed before me and the advice I have received her. Even though we have been dating so long, in my mind, I never thought of the long term just the short. I honor my mother, and thank you Dea for pointing out and reminding me that she has lived. Whitney, no, I refuse to be just the girlfriend forever.Leslie Jordan, I am NOT prepared to be with him without "marital bond" and this is why I have to have a deeper discussion with this man. If I refuse to move forward, will I lose my relationship Mr. Anatomy?
ReplyDeletePlease help...!
dont buy hous not built with love. if the foundation weak, the hous will crumble. When marry, marry is for time to end of time. If no marry, no buy hous. He heart not into you it into the purpose of why house stand for. you just a piece of a puzzle that has to stay to make puzzle complet but not going to marry the piece, just hold it for puzzle to stay together.
ReplyDeleteChung Ae Sook - Korea
This is so crazy because I am a child (grown now) of a mother who went through the same exact thing. She met my "step dad" when i was 4 yrs of age. They moved in together and lived at the first house for 7 yrs. It was feeling like a family. He raised and disciplined me and I am very grateful of that. However, after the leaving the first house to move to another area, things began to change. My mother became sick and my "step dad" grew further apart from my mother. At the age of 12, i moved in with my biological father because I want liking the way my "step dad" was treating my mother. I needed a new atmosphere. As the years went on and after college, my "step dad" told my mother to leave because she was becoming too dependent on her medication. Mind you my other had 5 bypasses on her heart surgery. I say this to say this..after 17 yrs of being together, he let her go at the drop of a dime, and guess what? They were NOT married that whole time. After getting a house in HIS name and for my mother to foot the house note while he saved how money just paying bills and saving for vacation. By the time he ditched my mom, he had saved up enough money to take care of everything else and in the end, leaving my mother with NOTHING..She had to go live with my dying grandmother in a poorly conditioned house. Please consider these things..cause house or no house, you guys are not married and the house can only be in ONE name..especially if you are not married. I say. PUT A RING ON IT BABYGIRL
ReplyDelete