Mr. Anatomy,
I have a dilemma that will probably threaten the security of my marriage. Life has a way of coming back to haunt you when you least expect it to. I'm in the U.S. Army and about 11 years ago, I was stationed in Germany with my husband of 2 years at that time. My husband was deployed for about 6 months training with a joint services unit. Well, in his absence, I strayed just a bit and had an affair with a fellow soldier. There truly wasn't much to the relationship, we were just casual friends that had a few too many drinks one evening and sex started and didn't stop until days before my husband returned. Since then, I have been faithful and asked God to forgive my past transgressions. Our life has been nothing short of perfect. Problem is, I have a ten year old son, and I now live in Ft. (not gonna say it) GA. The friend that I screwed around with has resurfaced and is requesting a paternity test to prove my son is not his child! I conceived my son around the time my husband returned, or maybe days before! :( My Question is .................
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Ma'am, I must say, you have quite the quandary. For this question, I must take a step back and review the facts much closer. In the meantime, I will address you as Ms. "Paternity" from hence forward, and allow our bloggers to open this discussion as usual. Please remain available to answer any questions my bloggers may have of you.
Hurchel Williams, MBA
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Life Coach, Motivational Relationship Speaker
Author, Anatomy of a Cheater
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You should tell your husband now. The shock of the affairs compares little to the news that his son isn't his should the test prove it. He needs some heads up to prepare himself for that information. Sure you will have to recant the story of the affair which will be painful enough but honestly at this point, this isn't about you is about your son/husband.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best...
Tanya Angelique, MBA
Life & Executive Coach
I would have the paternity test with the ex lover WITHOUT telling my husband. IF the test comes back positive I will reveal the results to my husband THEN. If the test comes back negative I would ask him never to contact me again and go on with my perfect life. You cannot change the past I would not allow an indescetion to destroy my present and future.
ReplyDeleteif this casual lover is serious about his request, then you can't hide it. If you refuse to have your son tested, the friend could and will blast you out of the water with the affair as well as demand a paternity test. If you agree to have the test, it is impossible to have the test done without your son knowing what is taking place. so Hiding it is not an option. you must already have an idea of who fathered your son. you should come clean now and not wait until you know the results. It would be worse for you husband to find out after you already have the results then to find out before and allow him time to deal with the situation. He may suprise you and support you through this episode in your life.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to know, Is the test going to be administered by a DNA facility? or will it be one of those mail in DNA kits? If its going to be a DNA facility, what will she tell her son when they take the required photograph of the boy when the test is being done? How will she explain that? And will she request her son keep secrets for her?
ReplyDeleteFirst of all YES TELL YOUR HUSBAND ASAP!!!!!!!!!!! This is terrible now that this other guy has popped up from hell. And, after discussing this with your husband then as a family you need to try and explain this to your son also. If you feel your marriage is strong enough to survive this start working on it now not later tell him you never thought the other man was the father but he is hounding you and threatening to contact your husband on is own so you need to come together as a married couple and figure this out because after all you did tip off and do your DIRTY DEEDS!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe test is at a DNA facility and he has gotten a court order to make me do it because I ignored his request in the beginning. I thought there was more to it than just wanting to know so he is calling my bluff. The facility says they just have to swab my son's mouth and take a photo but he won't realize the enormity of it all. They do unsuspecting children all the time. I am so confused about this mess because my husband don't deserve this crap. I made a mistake so many years ago but now I am about to pay the price. I am literally on the fence with this decision.
ReplyDeleteSo confused about my Decision.
My 9 year old would know something was up if she went to a medical facility/office and they took her picture. What 10 year old wouldn't. You still haven't answered the question. what will you tell your son? If you don't answer him, I am sure he will ask his daddy/your husband why the nurse took his picture and swabbed his mouth. so you made a mistake in the past. it was a long time ago. but today your husband has every right to know what is happening with his son. Until it is proven differently and probably still after he is still your sons father. everyone has a past to include your husband, face your demons now so you can move on. you will feel a great sence of release once the truth is out.
ReplyDeleteMs. Jordan have you been through this or something? Because some of your statements are relevant and some are just really ridiculous. IJS
ReplyDeleteMs. Jordan have you been through this or something? Because some of your statements are relevant and some are just really ridiculous. IJS
ReplyDeleteAnd which part(s) are rediculous?
ReplyDeleteYou should be upfront and honest with your husband... yes we all have a pass and yes we all make mistakes.. but hiding it are running from it will never work have you never heard old saying what's done in the dark always come to light!! All parties involved need to know the truth
ReplyDeleteMs "Paternity,
ReplyDeleteIf your husband was in your shoes having an outside child from an affair, would you be understanding? This is a challenge for your marriage that the two of you can get through after you go through it regardless of the outcome. The choice will be his alone to stay or leave. Whether fellow soldier is bluffing or not he has a right to know if you are collecting money from or just to release his conscience. I'm prior service and would advise you clear this up before your unit first sergeant get involved and you face administrative penalty for unbecoming as a non-commissioned officer. As most of the Ladies pointed out, be truthful so you can be free. The bible teaches what's done in the dark will come to light. Best wishes
Dear Ms. Paternity,
ReplyDeleteYou have quite the dilemma here and trust me, I have weighed your options in my head and played both scenarios. Your biggest problem is, for years, you got away with the deception of your affair and it was never to be spoken of, BUT, what you didn't factor is, one day, your past would knock at the door and open old wounds. Now, if you tell your husband about the fellow soldier's request, you have to explain your actions from so many years ago. He is thinking this relationship is pure and free of infidelity and this is a perfect facade that has worked, however there is something that is about to threatened what you deem perfect in your eyesight and the eyesight of your loved one! I look at the soldier that has showed up as the enemy trying to test the purity of your soul and that perfection you built with your husband. NEVER let the enemy win or threaten you, or even be able to blackmail you! Although I have thought of it both ways, the ONLY thing to do is to tell your husband the truth. For once in my advice career, I actually considered the other end of the spectrum, but at the end of the day, the deeper the lie goes, the more you'll have to explain. Hurt your husband once and ask for forgiveness. Let him stand by your side and show a united front against the enemy. I received your original email, and while the rest of the bloggers didn't see all of the facts, I did. I know that you all are officers, not enlisted and this could threaten more than just your husband's feelings, but your career as well! My prayer is, the child is your husbands and not the alternative. "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive....! It's time to stop the cycle and my heart goes out to you. When we KNOW better, we DO better, my heart goes out to you. I am sure this is your best course of action.
Mr. Anatomy = Hurchel Williams, MBA
Well said... honesty is best in any situation! !
Deletethat's a hard decision to make....good luck with that one
ReplyDeleteMr. Anatomy, it's not often that I disagree with you, but in this instance, I HAVE LIVED the exact same scenario. My husband was in the Army, I made the unfortunate choice to have an affair and got pregnant bY the other man. 3 years later, (the other man) when he was no longer in the military, he grew a conscience and demanded my husband know about my CHILD'S paternity. If I would have known my rights then, like I do now, I would have dismissed all claims. He has no right to my son, even to this day, because he is the father of record. So, even if you let this out, your husband will remain the legal father, biologically or not. This could only devastate your entire family, and NO good will come of this. God has given your child the father he wants him to have, and you have to believe that in your heart. Whatever you do, do NOT allow him to threaten you. Because you are married, your son is the Child of the Marriage, which makes your husband, legally, his father. Because he is 10 years old, NO JUDGE will denounce your husband as the father. The judge will only have the child's best interest at heart. This new man does not have your child's best interest at heart. The only interest he has is getting in your pants. Last point, he does NOT have cause to request paternity AND, he is NOT willing to ruin his career, because that is EXACTLY what it will do. The military does not take too kind to ADULTERY!
ReplyDeleteBe wise, it's a scare tactic, do not succumb to his antics.
Been There - Done That - Ruined my child's life and husband's life and the 3rd party NEVER paid a DIME in child support. My husband (who I still love dearly)is STILL paying child support by choice, and we are divorced! HE WAS and IS A GOOD MAN.
Ex Army Wife in the South !!!!
Do not tell Him nothing, some things are just what they are Skeletons? Get a mail in DNA Test ,Swab your Son then Swab the other Guy. why? If those were the only two Guys You slept with only One needs to be Swabbed.Saves alot of problems and people from getting HURT. Emotional and Physical! If it comes out your husband is not the Father then tell him.Do it in a very Public place? May not act up if other potential witness's are around.The Biggest Problem is if your Husband knows the other Guy or not. If he does not know him then there is a chance he can get over it. If he does no him , possibly Buddies he may kick his Butt and Yours. As long as You are not currently creeping with the other guy , you can get past this. Just thought ? Is your son the only child you have with your Husband? If so and he is not the Father there is a good chance it's over between you two.
ReplyDeleteI agree with ex-army wife. I think if anything u should either dismiss the other guy because if he really was concerned he would have request this when the child was born. If you don't want to do that. U can discreetly get your son and husband DNA tested and see what the out come is first. If its the other guys then tell your husband. If not get rid of the evidence tell the other guy to kiss your ass and move on.
ReplyDelete